One Fateful Night

6 years ago (yesterday) mommy came in to find you crying in a pile of dirty laundry on the closet floor. To anyone else it would appear you had just gotten some horrible news....which to you it kind of was....but mommy knew why without an explanation. Bryan had asked you for my hand in marriage. As much as you KNEW it was coming...I think the shock was still pretty hard for you to swallow. She said you laid there for a while in the dark just quietly crying and listening to music. I was of course blissfully unaware because I was (unknowingly) about to begin the best journey of my life...becoming Bryan's wife. He nervously proposed by the lake and fumbled in his pocket to get the ring out (that he carefully wrapped up in a kleenex but then couldn't get out). I remember my first question (before even saying yes) was "Did you ask my dad?!" He said yes, and of course, so did I! I am so grateful that even though we put you through hell during our dating/courting period...you still gave us grace, forgiveness, and allowed us to regain your trust. I am forever humbled by how gracious you and mom were to us even though we totally didn't deserve it! And look, you have all these beautiful grandkids!!! It was totally worth it huh?!? hehehehe Bryan and I frequently say we hope in this case we don't reap what we sow or we are in for it! haha
   Some kid updates: Colin has been giving me a tough time lately. It's been a very challenging few weeks and tension is high. We are working very hard on his obedience because EVERY time we ask him to do ANYTHING his immediate response is "No." Obviously that doesn't fly so he spends a lot of his day being disciplined which after a while drains me. But he still has his funny sweet side and is usually found "talking" to his super hero friends and playing dress up with Cecily. Which leads me to your little lady, she spends most of her day in some form of dress up outfit. Complete with jewelry and shoes. She rarely leaves the house without her necklace, sunglasses, purse, and an animal of somesort. Of course wearing her "sparkle sparkle" shoes. Owen is giving me a run for my money...he has discovered his love of getting into things he shouldn't and when told not to touch something he turns around, looks at me, and says, "No no!" while shaking his hand at me. He gets this sparkle in his eye when he knows he is being mischievous which makes it hard to get mad at him because it's so stinken cute! His vocabulary is growing daily and he is becoming a toddler before my eyes. I am so blessed to be their mommy and even though the days have been...tough to say the least...when it's all said and done I can honestly say I would do it all over again knowing it would be difficult.
  I am gonna go take my tummy stuff so I can hopefully get to bed before 1am. This pregnancy is proving to be tough but after losing weight last week I finally gained 2lbs this week so I am happy about that! I love you, miss you, and think about you constantly!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
So thankful for this moment with you!

Confessions of a Failing Mom

I've mentioned a few times that I've been struggling with life lately, but haven't really gone into details. I have started countless posts and get a sentence or two written then stop. To be honest I don't know where to start, I am struggling in almost every area of my life. My house is beginning to look like a natural disaster hit, I am short tempered with Bryan and the kids, most of my day is spent disciplining kids and feeling nauseous, my relationship with The Lord has totally been lacking, and my anxiety is through the roof! It all came crashing down on me a few weeks ago and I called Bryan sobbing telling him I couldn't do it anymore. The more I tried the more I failed. Key word being I, refer back to my confession of my relationship with God falling by the way side. Obviously I'm going to fail. Apart from Him we can do nothing and that's exactly what I'm trying in vain to do. A friend suggested I read "When I don't desire God:How to fight for joy" by John Piper. So the next few weeks will be my journey to get back the closeness I once had with Him, forgiving Him for taking you, and forgiving myself for all the areas I have tried to live without Him. So I have taken a step back, gotten rid of my FB, cleared up my calendar of what I could, and am trying to keep my focus on Him, my husband, my kids, and the role I have as their wife and mother.
   My kids didn't nap....again. And fighting is erupting like a volcano so I need to go be mommy. I love you and miss you!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

1 whole year and still bald

  Your little Owster turned 1 this month. All of the sudden his little personality came out and he has been a little firecracker lately! He doesn't let his older siblings push him around and this frequently results in hair pulling, clothing being grabbed, and skin being pinched. With the occasional bite of course. Cecily and him have a love/hate relationship which means we can always tell when they are near each other because within minutes someone is screaming. He LOVES food and could eat all day and his not a picky eater for the most part. I have only found a few things he won't eat which is a breathe of fresh air after little Ms. Picky Pants (Cecily). Food battles are not on my list of favorite parenting jobs. Owen is also quite the snuggler with mommy and loves to just lounge on my lap. He is almost weaned and is NOT, I repeat, NOT happy about it! Most days he follows me around crying signing "Milkie please". It breaks my heart but also gets super irritating when I am trying to get stuff done. I am doing my best to be gracious with him because I know his little 1 year old world just got turned upside as his favorite thing got taken away! haha We had a little party for him on the day of his birthday and as always it was very strange to not have you there. I realized I had no one to call to drop off tables and chairs...pick up ice on their way over...and help me clean up after. It just continues to suck! The party was fun and Owen had a nice time I think...though you never can tell with a 1 year old. hehe
  I have had a challenging time lately with life but that is a post for another time! We celebrated your mom's 81st birthday tonight at The Landmark. She got her nails done today and mommy and I gave her a bracelet that she wore. It was nice to see everyone and catch up!
  Well Dorothy is spending the night so I got to go get her set up. We love and miss you!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
This is what Owen looks like most of the day...jealous?

 Tobin baby sat today while mom and I got a massage...this is how she watches my kids. Can you spot all 3?

 Mattie found this picture today and sent it to me....Colin was happy and yet sad to see a picture with you two.

 Grandma with her birthday dessert!

 Ms. Tracy sent me a picture from the kids "Rain Day" at pre-school. She already had it planned and God opened up the skies and made it rain that day!

 There are from Owen's party....we did dino's because he likes to ROOOOOAR when he sees one!

New Year with new aches

2012 is done and over...what a year it was. It started out fantastic with the birth of Owen and went all wrong after that! In hindsight mom and I were saying that we can see your decline...you didn't bounce back from chemo like you used to, you had a much harder time engaging with the family which was not normal for you, and you were feeling unwell 99% of the time. We chalked it up to the new chemo drug they put you on...but we now know it was because the cancer was winning. Thanks to the Lord though who, in the end, ultimately won by taking you home to be with Him. It sometimes feels like we lost but I try not to think of that way. Just a temporary separation before we are reunited with you forever! So with a love/hate feeling, we said good-bye to 2012. It was the last year we will ever have seen you on this side of Heaven. The last year I ever got to touch your hand, hug you, talk to you, and hear your voice. Things I so desperately wish I could do again! Colin has had many moment of grief lately, I found him bawling on the couch and when I asked him what was wrong he said he missed you and wanted you back. As a parent you do everything you can (with reason most of the time hehe) to keep your children from hurting and to make them happy, and in this situation the hardest thing is I am useless. I can nothing to take his pain, nothing to make him happy again. Only Jesus can mend his little heart, and I know He is and will. Cecily has almost forgotten about you and when shown a picture of you she hesitates a little to remember who that man with grandma is. That is such a blow to my heart every time it happens! Once reminded she knows who you are and does "Put your hands in the air and go woooo *tickle tickle*". But her memory of you is fading...which I guess I should have known would happen.
  We celebrated the New Year with our traditional fondu night and had a low key night. I was still sick, as was the rest of the family but we celebrated anyways. Bryan had to stay home with Cecily because she was still running a fever at that point, but I took the boys to mom's house since everyone there was sick too. We came home in time to watch the ball drop together and drink sparkling cider. Colin kept telling me he was tired and I told him he could go to bed if he wanted and he'd then say, "Nooo I guess I'll stay up" haha such a conflict of emotions! He thought the ball dropping would be a more exciting event so that was a slight disappointment. Cecily just liked her cider and got some kisses from mommy. So that was our new year....low key...which is hopefully what 2013 will look like! hehe
   I did get to hear the heartbeat for the first time last week. It's an amazing sound and something I always look forward to! Sue was able to find it really quick which was a first for me. Normally it takes them a while to "hunt" the baby down, but this baby was nice and high and ready to be heard! Hopefully that doesn't mean it will be like that when it comes out! hehehe We decided to find out the gender this time because we have MAJOR reorganizing and purging to do before baby comes. Things are tight at the moment and will only get tighter when we add a 4th. In order to make it more fun we are doing a gender reveal party so we can all find out together. I am excited about it!!! We will find out in February-ish...and have the party in March.
  Well I have LOTS to unload from Owen's party....but that is next time's post! We love you and miss you even more than 7 months ago! Happy Heavenly 7 month birthday! (that's a mouthful!)
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here are pics of the "great pile" clean up of 2012. It was quite the feat but I accomplished the impossible!

Here are some pics from New Years...I don't have lots just a few. Owen was being sneaky with his new found skill of walking so I caught him in mommy's "no touch" things.

 The kids made gingerbread houses...this is Colins

 We found these in the cabinet...can you guess who they belong to?! That's right YOU! Mom asked if I wanted any....guess which one I took?

 The kids love hiding in the cabinets. I often hear muffled sounds and lots of giggles coming from here!

White Christmas

Well, somehow I let a really long time go by before I got around to writing. Maybe it was preparing for our trip up to Pinetop...maybe it was all of us getting the flu...maybe it's 3 of us still having the flu....but excuses aside I need to write! We had a lovely Christmas up in Pinetop. The D family let us use their cabin and it was seriously perfect! We could not have asked for a better place to stay. We had a few mishaps...we (Bryan, me, and the kids) were the first up there and when we arrived the driveway was completely covered in snow. We thought "Eh, we will be fine!" And tried to drive right in...yea no! It had apparently melted and refroze several times and the ice made it impossible to get past the first hump...so we got totally stuck. God sent us an awesome helper named Dennis who was driving by, saw Bryan out in the snow shoveling away and pulled over, got a shovel out of his truck, and joined in. He then took his big ol Chevy truck and drove back and forth in the driveway to break up all the snow and ice so we wouldn't get stuck again. (Ha, that worked really well!) Made it inside finally and we got all settled in. It took mom and the kiddos a little while to get up there because they managed to drive through right as the snow storm hit. Mattie and Christian took a wrong turn and ended up taking like 6-7 hours to get there...but in the end...we all made it! The girls all chipped in and cooked dinner...mom and I helped out a little. But we mostly left it to the "younger gals". The boys played in the snow and had some Wii bonding time. Christmas morning was tough, mom gave us all items "from you" in our stockings and it resulted in tears. We got these beautiful necklaces that have your fingerprint in them and say, "Safe in His Arms" on the back. We all cherish them! She then passed down the boxer tradition to Bryan and got him a pair of boxers in his stocking. I want you to know we carried on your tradition for mom of getting her the Este Lauder make up set. The last thing we did that morning was read a page of your journal that you had written for each of us before your first surgery. It was interesting to see the transition in your handwriting...before your cancer diagnosis your handwriting was how I remember it...but after your diagnosis all your entries have this very distinct change. It was an anxious, stressed, worried, and uncertain change in writing. I hadn't noticed it until then...it hit me that we all have changed in ways we don't even realize. For instance, Bryan has made me aware that I often think in terms of death and funerals. "I want this song played at my funeral." etc. It's hard not to think along those lines when you have lost someone. Suddenly the reality of how short this life is really hits you and you feel the urgency of preparing for the next life as opposed to just concentrating on this one. Rabbit trail! So anyways...it was a difficult morning but we all survived just like we have every other event since you died! The rest of the day was spent relaxing, cooking dinner, and playing in the snow. Cecily really liked it...but the boys not so much. I have no pictures of them in it because they didn't stay out very long. Cessy liked to eat it...we just had to make sure she didn't eat the "yellow snow". We were all reminded if your rendition of "I'm dreaming of a brown Christmas....with all the cactus's you can see...." The absolute hardest thing was seeing the joyless face of Weston the whole day. Nothing made him smile. He just sat there, straight faced, and nothing mom could say would cheer him up. Ugh, it broke my heart! Such a heavy burden for an 8 year old! We were going to stay up til Thursday morning but with no warning the flu bug of 2012 hit and people started going down like flies. Fevers were spiking, noses were running, and crabbiness was abundant. So we sanitized the house and headed out Wednesday afternoon. It was supposed to be a simple "pull out of the drive way and leave" moment...nope! We got stuck again! The driveway had re-iced so when we tried to back out we got stuck. It took Stacey, Dorothy, and mom pushing for the van to get out of the driveway. 30 minutes later than planned and we were on our way!
So that was our Christmas. That week we ALL ended up coming down the flu and the kiddos are still coughing and have an excess of drainage. Luckily fevers are gone and moods are improving. But the clean house I once had is now messy and germy...so my weeks goal is to get it back under control because we have Owen's party here a week from tomorrow. My baby will be 1!!!!! Can you believe it?!
  Well I am not feeling so good as usual...Charlotte brought us a delicious pot pie and i've had 2 plates full...but now it's threatening to come back up. I love you and I miss you and I promise I will try to not let it be so long before I write again! I do have LOTS to write about all swirling around in my head!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley