Spiderman and the Ballerina

  My days have been full of baby/child laughter, more pee and poo, kissing (mostly) invisible boo-boos, and missing you! Every day seems to bring out a new part of the kid's personalities. They are so funny and say the cutest things. Yesterday Colin was cleaning up toys before we left and the talking cash register said, "Hi, come play with me!" To which he replied, "I can't right now, I was just leaving to go to my grandmas". I was in the car in the garage, and heard Bryan laughing all the way inside the house! The night before that, Bryan was woken up by a noise and headed to the kitchen, only to find Cecily asleep on the floor clutching the chocolate syrup! The next morning as I got ready for church he came in and said, "You are never gonna believe what I found last night?!" And I immediately thought, "We have scorpions now?!?" but he took out his phone and showed me the picture and I just died laughing! I was doing my make up which needless to say got messed up from tears of laughter, but it's nice to have happy tears again! Since you gave us the news back on May 10th, most of my tears have been of pain and grief. But slowly I am getting my joy back even if it is mixed with the occasion heart-ache.
   The same night as the sleep-walking chocoholic, the kiddos were playing dress up. I was sitting on the couch observing because I just love watching them interact with each other. Colin grabbed the Spiderman and put it on, then found the tutu and ran to Cecily telling her, "Here baby girl! But this tutu on so you can be a ballerina!" She happily put it on and he got out the ballet bar and the pink dance mat for her too and set it all up. She twirled around on it and my heart did a happy flutter! It was like watching myself when I was little! She LOVES to dance!! Anytime she hears music her little booty starts moving, her arms go up, and her head starts tilting back and forth. You would just adore watching her dance like you used to do with your little girls! We put on lots of shows for you and you just watched us, and beamed with pride! Even though I know we weren't that great and you probably had better things to do, you sat and watched us and even gave an applause. Most of the time you ended up joining in with your awesome (HA!) dancing skills! Thankfully, unlike mommy, you never gave any of us a black eye while dancing with us!
  We have had some awesome storms this weekend and I love watching the clouds. I have always loved the clouds, but now I love them even more because it makes me feel closer to you looking up at them. They remind me of the awesome power of God and how amazing His creation is! Yet, He still loves ME and takes the time to comfort ME! It's pretty humbling!
   I came across this quote from John Piper on my friend Julie's FB and was so comforted by it. "When Satan drops a bombshell on the peace of your life the initial shock waves of emotional response are not necessarily sin. What is sin is not to do what Jesus did when the bomb fell in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sin is yielding to depression. Sin is not taking the armour of God. Sin is not waging spiritual warfare. But Jesus shows us another way. It’s not painless, but it’s not passive either. And I want us to follow him in it." I keep feeling like a lot of the emotions I have during this trial are wrong, but yet it's not the emotion that is wrong, it's how I handle it that makes it sin or not. It's so easy to get depressed, stay angry, and become bitter, but I know that will only lead to sin. And there is NO way I want to add sin onto this situation! hehe Another awesome quote from her blog (seriously, God has placed in her my life for this very season! She has blessed me so much in sharing her own journey with Christ and losing both parents at a young age I can't even begin to thank the Lord enough for her!) is from I believe Beth Moore, "It will often be crisis that God uses to pivot our direction." Wow! How true is that?! When life is going great and everything seems to be just peachy, why change? God has to give us a REASON to pivot our course and this has definietly shifted mine! And I know it has shifted it for the better. Even though I never ever ever wanted the crisis to be losing my dad (I mean, couldn't it have been my little toe?!?!) I know that He has so much He wants to use me for in this life and I don't want anger, depression, or bitterness ruin that! It may never seem "fair" that I lost my dad and my kids lost their grandpa so young, but in all fairness, (as you always said) we all deserve death for our sins. Yet He sent His son to die for OUR sins and THAT right there is UNFAIR!
   Well, we are getting our rugs cleaned tomorrow! YAY! So I best go finish getting the floor picked up so that they can do their thing. We haven't had them cleaned in over a year and it was LOOOONG over due! I won't even take pictures on the carpet because there are so many spots on them it freaks this OCD momma out! hehe I love you daddy and I miss you so much!
   Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley
The first picture cracks me up because I was trying to take one of Owen and I got Cecily in the background putting pot holders on her head! She's such a hoot!

(Literally) Crappy Days

  Where have my days gone?! I think about you almost every minute of every day and all the things I want to tell you but then I put the kids in bed and my pillow calls! Sorry to be so neglectful. hehe I have lots of funny stories, bittersweet memories/moments, and God lessons so hopefully I can remember them all in this post! Where to start?!
  Let's start with the potty training since it's yielded the funniest/grossest stories and I know how much you enjoy those! The highlighted story is from two days ago. I went to your house to take mommy for a much needed pedicure. I had been there not even 5 minutes and Cecily told Weston that she needed to "poop on the potty" so Weston being the awesome uncle he is, took her into the bathroom. Well she had already peed in her pull up so he left to get a new one and I was unaware that she was even in the bathroom. While he was gone, she proceeded to lock herself in the bathroom. (Thank you by the way for putting all the keys to your doors on the top of your freakishly high door frames where they are impossible for the average human to get down!!) We finally got the door unlocked and much to my horror she had taken all her clothes off, pooped on the floor, and tracked it all the over the floor and her clothing! So while I cleaned her up mommy cleaned the bathroom up all the while Wayne was yelling at us for letting her use his bathroom. It was lovely and honestly really stressful at the moment thanks to Wayne but I can laugh about it now. Colin is down to only 6 pull ups left in his stash so when those run out...he is done! He is NOT happy about this because he knows that underwear doesn't catch pee so he will HAVE to make it to the bathroom EVERY time. He is insistent that big boys wear pull ups and daddy's wear underwear. If he thinks he is going to wait until he is a daddy to wear underwear he is seriously mistaken! Not to mention no woman in her right mind would make him a daddy if he was still wearing pull ups! hahaha So yes, most of my days right now consist of bodily fluids and to be honest...I am kinda over it but sadly have years...and years...and years...of it to go! So I best just get used to it now! hehe
   Moving on...during our family devotions the night before last Colin saw my cross necklace that you got me. He looked at it and said, "My grandpa got this for you! He died on the cross...no that's not right! He died of cancer, JESUS died on the cross! *sigh* I just really miss my grandpa!" Yep, broke my heart! It is such a bittersweet things to have the only grand-kids that you ever got to meet here on earth. I am so thankful that they got to know you, yet it also makes it difficult BECAUSE they love you so much! My future children will know who you are and always know that their grandpa loves them even if you never met them, but they won't have the same bond with you that Colin and Cecily do. Owen is still too little obviously so he won't remember you, but Colin and Cecily will always cherish the memories they have with their grandpa Wayne!
   On the note of the kiddos, their latest "achievements" and such are: Colin is continuing to do well with swimming. He can swim by himself across a pool with a kick board. Today he had a very emotional morning/afternoon/evening so he didn't do as well but he is still making me proud with how far he has come in the last 3 weeks! I start school with him on Sept. 3rd which I am excited about! I have his lessons figured out and a general game plan of how to do it with 2 other kiddos. We'll see how this goes! ha! He is looking forward to starting Cubbies again and all he can talk about is that Ella will be in his group. (Which I have to mention that Ella misses misty Wayne, I believe is what she calls you) Cecily is doing better each day with potty training, loves to sing and dance, and now does the happy/sad face that Great Grandpa Strunk taught us all. It's her favorite right now and if you look at her you are likely to get a little show! She takes such good care of Owen and is very attentive to his needs...maybe too attentive! Her little personality just cracks me up and I love getting to know her as she grows up! Owen...what can I say?! He is still fat and happy! He's such a gem and I feel so blessed to have this little guy in my life. He adores his siblings and in fact if they aren't around he cries for them. He thinks he wants food but if you try to offer anything he just grimaces and doesn't want it, so he is still just having milky milky. Crawling is still a work in progress and I doubt it'll happen anytime soon! He just can't get that head off the ground! But his two top teeth have poked through which brings his total to 4 and the two bottom teeth on either side of his middle ones seem to be trying to come through too so he may have 6 teeth before I know it! Scary!
   As for me, I am just trying to get life figured out. I started seeing a nautropath to see if I can get my hands better. Currently they hurt so bad I can barely function. Simple things like folding laundry make them bleed and anything water related...forget about it! I wake up rubbing them on the sheets and realize there is blood all over from how hard I was scratching them. It's not pretty! The lady I am seeing used to suffer from dishydrosis herself and was able to cure herself with different herbs and such so I am hoping for similar results because being a mommy with this wonderful condition stinks! As always there is laundry to be done, meals to cook, stuff to organize, ballet things to administrate, a bridal shower to plan, and little hearts to tend to. That last one is my favorite!
   Your anniversary is tomorrow and my heart hurts for mommy. She will be headed up to CA to pick up Tobin, and you won't be there. I know she is trying to make the best of it and have a fun trip for the kids but I know deep down this is incredibly difficult for her! Instead of having an anniversary trip, getting roses from you, a sweet love note, and other certain activities (hehehehe) she will be without her love/other-half. You always spoiled her on special occasions and even though I have tried to spoil her for you (outfit from Coldwater Creek as was your tradition and a pedicure) it's just not the same because it's not from you!
  Owen is sitting on the floor hyperventilating (his latest trick) and I can tell is wanting some attention now that his buddies are asleep. Duty calls! I love you and I miss you! I have so much more to catch you up on but I guess it'll have to wait until another time!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley

  

One of those days

  Today has been one of those days where not having you here seems so incredibly unfair! And you know how much I hate that word..."fair". The Anderson motto is "Life isn't fair!" but today I have thrown that out the window and decided to have a little pity party. (Ha! When I typed that I typed potty party the first time...you can tell what my whole life is revolving around right now!) I sat on your bed, in the spot you took your last breathe on and had a good cry. I got tear drops all over the sheets but I don't think mommy will mind. Even as I type this I have tears streaming uncontrollably down my face. I just can't help it! The pain is just too great to hold it in. Once again I am brought back to the song I have grown to love, "The pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." My real home is with you and with Jesus. *sigh* It seems like an eternity until we will all be reunited yet I know it will be here in the blink of an eye!
   I have a confession. It is going to sound so unJesus but it's what my heart is dealing with so I will be honest about it. Every time I hear stories of miracles...I get angry. I get upset that Jesus didn't do that for you. Is it a right way to feel? Absolutely not! I need to rejoice when others are rejoicing and praise Jesus for His awesome power in others lives! But oh how difficult that is when you wanted the same thing for YOUR dad! I am praying through this emotion a lot and taking those thoughts captive since they aren't from Jesus but currently my immediate response is to get upset and envious. I wanted YOU to be one of those amazing stories! But alas you were not...and here I am writing to you in a blog. *sigh* I'm just gonna say it...it's unfair!
  Mommy, Stacey and Curly (yes you heard that right...Curly went with them!) are on their way back from CA today so I am "baby"sitting the kiddos. Mattie and Christian are on their way to CA to visit his Aunt so the house seems even more lonely. I know for some people having 3 people home is a lot, but in this house only 3 people here seems like it's vacant! My kids are doing a good job of creating enough chaos though! hehe I am relieved/happy that mommy is on her way back because having both parents gone...well it just sucks! (sorry!) I wrote on her mirror with lipstick like you always used to do so that she has something to come home to. You were always leaving her love notes and even though I made an outward "eww" inwardly I rejoiced that my daddy loved my mommy so much! It's such a rare things these days to see someone even at the age of 47 still pursuing and courting his wife! You were a rare man and I am so proud of that!
   I am making a big batch of Mexican chicken tonight. One of your favorites. I will eat an extra taco in your honor! When I went to get the diced tomatoes out I got a good giggle out of what I saw on the shelf...a whole stack of canned dog food! Oh how life has changed over the last 6 weeks! We went from blue barf bags, ensure, and bags of sonic ice to dog toys, canned dog food, and a fluffy little black doggie that has captured our hearts!
   I have another confession...your room has gotten "blessed"  by every single grandkid today! Owen pooped on your comforter...stuck that in the wash. Colin peed on the sheets shortly after...stuck those in the wash. Then Cecily pooped next to the toilet. Got that cleaned up too! I guess they feel so relaxed in your room it...moves them! So mommy will come home to clean bedding and mopped floors thanks to all the "blessings."
  Well mommy will be home soon! (YAY!) So I best get this house picked up for her! We miss you so much and love you a crazy lot!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
    Carley

Here is mommy and Curly in CA. That used to be you and her. :-(

Being Purposeful

Our day started out "early" at 7am. We got up and got the boys ready (Cecily had a sleepover with grammie and took your side of the bed) and headed to Payson to pick up Dorothy from camp. She had a nice time and enjoyed her counselors and cabin buddies. She had lots of funny stories to tell and I know you would have gotten a kick out of them! They involved starchy foods and gas...need I say more? After dropping her off Bryan went and took the burb to the gas station for mommy to fill up the tires with air because her light was on saying the pressure was bad. Wouldn't want her driving in an unsafe vehicle! So that is all taken care of...you're welcome! Megan and I had plans to go out for my birthday so we went to this place called the Herb Box in Scottsdale. It was a neat place and the food was fantastic! We only get to hang out without the kiddos for our birthdays so we decided to celebrate half birthdays so we can have 4x a year instead of 2! hehe
  While at dinner we talked about being purposeful with our kids during the day. Something I struggle with! I find myself getting so caught up in my to-do list (which does need to get done) that I don't take time to at least let the kids come along side me to help and to teach them. So I am purposing to let them come along side me and "help" even though I know at first that means it will take 10x longer to get anything done! I just like to get things done as quickly as possible and not have to redo it...hmmm I sound like someone else who is currently residing in heaven. hehe I am so much like you I scare myself sometimes!
   We have had some fun/crazy storms and clouds the last week or so! Tonight was an awesome haboob that brought lots of rain and dust!! It was chasing us as we got home from your house but we got home about 10 minutes before it hit luckily! I love monsoon storms like that! Arizona has such boring weather...HOT all the time...that when we get storms they are that much more exciting!
   Well this week has lots going on...reorganizing the garage, cleaning out the kids clothes and getting rid of excess, lots of dusting things like ceiling fans and light fixtures, dr appointment for Owen, swim lessons, etc. I used to like busy...and honestly busy is nice in that it keeps me from thinking about you too much and the fact that you aren't here...but I am finding that now I just want peace and quiet. I need time to just sit, think, and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I get overwhelmed so easily by all the "what if's" in your life-What if they had found it sooner, what if they had been able to do the hippac (sp?) procedure? All the what if's, but all that does is cause doubt in the perfect plan that Jesus has for this so I am trying to cast those thoughts at His feet and trust that His plan is still good.
   Ok my brain is starting to lose it! 4 nights in a row of 4-5 hours of sleep is starting to get to me! I love you so very much and miss you more than words can do justice!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
  Carley
A few pics for you! A late night Owen screaming picture, Owen in the Robin Hood hat that Colin had put on him (but was way too big), the haboob rolling in, and the appetizer at the restaurant!

Things left behind

Life is a little crazy at the moment! Potty training two kids...a teething baby...a messy disorganized house. So sadly I haven't had time to write you much, and tonight is no different. But I have taken a lot of pics over the last two days and I thought I'd at least post them if I don't have time to sit and write my thoughts. I love you daddy and still miss you like crazy!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
  Carley
Here are some pics I took of the things you left behind...
The contents of your bathroom drawers.

The dry cleaning that mommy picked up but you never wore.

Your dress shoes that you loved so much but now are collecting dust.

Your cell phone case that was always attached to your hip with your phone going off. hehe

Your nicely color coordinated closet.

The sky tonight was beautiful! But you have an even better view from up top! Colin LOVED the rainbow!

Meat and Carbs

  Today was an odd day. The kids wouldn't go to sleep last night til almost midnight...Owen screamed (he's getting his two top teeth) until 3am so both Bryan and I were/are exhausted. Colin came in our room around 8am crying that he had hit his head. I expected him to just be awake at that point but instead he climbed in bed with us and we all went back to sleep. I startled awake at about 10am and shook Bryan to tell him he was totally late for work! haha He jumped out of bed, threw clothes on, and off he went. About 10 minutes later the kids all woke up and we had breakfast and got ready for swim lessons. Thanks to their late wake up time I couldn't get them to nap and I had some stuff that I really needed to get done...needless to say, it didn't get done. They pretty much trashed the living room and got out every toy they own! *sigh* After I write this post I have to clean it all up so stuff doesn't get lost or broken. You know how much I dislike losing toys or them breaking!
  I had some steaks and potatoes that I decided to bring over to mommy's for dinner. Stacey and Mattie also had dinner ideas in mind and because of a lack of communication we all cooked something (better than no one cooking I guess)! Dinner consisted of: Loaded baked potato fries, steak and mashed potatoes, and chicken wings! It was a dinner of champions and we are all very full...with indigestion! Mommy was a dear and sewed Jack a birthday present that I saw online and thought would be perfect and hilarious! It turned out great and I can't wait for him to open it! She didn't get back until about 10pm because she had a hair appointment after dinner (she is looking pretty foxy!) then had to go sew the gift so by the time she got home Weston was a MESS! He left her one of his usual frantic voicemails...and when she said she needed to eat before she put him to bed he started breathing heavily and almost had a panic attack! We all got quite the laugh out of it which I think made it worse....ok I know it made it worse! But it was too funny not to giggle about! He is just so cute and dramatic...just like a little (almost) 4 year old we know and love!
  No real lessons or stories tonight. Just the usual missing you and seeing reminders of you that make my heart hurt. Your hair gel and brush in your bathroom drawer when I went to look for nail trimmers...your wedding ring sitting in it's permanent spot on mom's jewelry box...your Tahoe collecting dust in the driveway. *sigh*
  Oh, Owen is trying to crawl! But I think it will be at least a month or two before he actually succeeds because he can't hold up the weight of his huge head! And those big thighs are pretty heavy to move! He just gets stuck then cries hysterically until I come rescue him. It's adorable and pathetic all at the same time.
  Well that is all I got for tonight. Pretty boring but hey boring is good sometimes! I love you and I miss you more every day! It just doesn't get any easier!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
  Carley

1/4 of a Century

I am now a 1/4 of a century old! Crazy! Seems like just yesterday we would dance around the house to Carmen, Sandy Patty, and Twila Paris. You always humored your girls and did "ballet" with us! It was a very difficult day overall. I haven't really cried on and off this much since the week of your death. Every time I got in the car or had a moment to myself...I cried. I was attempting to put on make up before going out with mom when Bryan asked how I was doing, and I lost it crying....again. So I decided that make up wasn't going to happen because it would just get cried off and went the day being O'natural. The song Held has been special and very applicable to me since the loss of Geoffrey and I hadn't really listened to it since your passing. It came on the radio today and all over again it hit me...this song was seriously written for me! Just the first paragraph alone highlights the most difficult moments in my life!
"Two months is too little,
they let him go,
they had no sudden healing.
To think that providence
would take a child from his mother
while she prays, is appalling."
From the time you became become obviously sick to the time you died it was just about 2 months. I prayed everyday for my little Geoffrey, and God took him home before I got to meet him. See? It was written for me! The song continues on to say,
"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens to us


Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive


This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held"
Throughout both those tragedies in my life I can honestly say that I was and have been held in His strong and loving hand. It has been during the darkest moments in my life that I have felt the closest to Him and the most loved by Him. I don't know why He has allowed me to lose a baby and my father, but He has kept His word, He has never left me or forsaken me!
   On our way to dinner tonight, mom and I saw an elderly couple walking through Agritopia holding hands. Immediately we both said how difficult that was to see. Mommy feels so jipped from growing old with you. She wanted to sit on the porch with you after you retired (ha, you retired?!) and sip tea and eat breakfast. Go on walks through the neighborhood holding hands. Go on fun little trips with you. All things that she never anticipated being so abruptly taken away from her. I always imagined you being the fun, old, grayed haired, grandpa playing with all your grandkids...teaching them bad table manners, throwing banana peels after mommy cleaned the floors, playing basketball, and just goofing around with them. Now I will never get to see you do those things with my kids or my future nieces and nephews. We are trying to not let our hearts get bitter or upset by all the "could have beens" but it's so hard not to think about what you will miss out on and what we will miss having you here for. I always got a birthday card with a picture of your face taped to it. I didn't get one this year...and never will again. Ugh, that just made my stomach drop.
   Ok, off of the depressing subjects. I DID have a nice birthday despite the emotions and was treated like a princess. Tamara took me to the Coffee Shop and treated me to lunch and a cupcake. Everything was delicious and she even got me a gift card for a massage! She knows me so well! I then took Colin to go pick out a birthday present for his friend's party tonight and he talked me into getting him a little something as well. He has me wrapped around his cute little finger! hehe Originally we were going to go to Kona Grill but I decided I wanted my free birthday meal from Joe's Farmhouse so we went and I got my once a year hotdog. (which by the way I am currently regretting now that I have horrible indigestion) Then we went to a meeting at Wayne's school about ways to pay for tuition through their gift card program. It was a very adult way to spend a birthday! haha Mommy then gave me a birthday present from them all and it was a beautiful new outfit that i can wear to church! I love it and I know you would approve!
   Well it's almost 11pm and my kids are still up and running around the house. I guess I should go take care of that! I love you daddy and wish you had been here to celebrate with us...because as you know...without you...there would be no ME!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
 Carley

Early Birthday Present

  I wasn't anticipating "getting anything from you" but mommy surprised me with some pictures and notes she found tucked away in your keepsakes box. It was so sweet to see that you had kept the notes I have written you including the funny fax conversation I had with Pete. I have fond memories of faxing all the people at your office though I probably drove them crazy! They were all so sweet and humored me anyways! I didn't think I would get that emotional (ok who am I kidding?! I KNEW I'd get emotional) as my birthday drew closer...but here I am only 2 hours from my birthday and I can't keep the tears away. I will only be 25 and I have to celebrate without my daddy here. I confess, I feel guilty that I had 24 birthdays to celebrate with you...none of my younger siblings can say the same. Weston only had 8...far less than a child should! I told God today in my prayer time that I can't pray hard enough that He will show Himself as a Father to my brothers in a very real way because they need a daddy. Mommy feels so lost as to how to raise them into Godly men without a Godly man along side her helping her, but we know that God as their Heavenly Father is all they need. It just at times seems like an earthly one would be nice. hehe
   I couldn't get the kids to nap today so at 4pm I gave up and decided to go over to your house. The kids missed Weston and Curly and wanted some play time. Mattie made her delicious Asian Lettuce wraps and wontons for dinner...everything was fantastic! Unfortunately, in the nursery yesterday I had forgotten to tell the lady in there that Cecily couldn't have the cookies so she ate a few before I realized they were in front of her. So needless to say...today was (literally) a crappy day and she wasn't in the mood to eat much tonight. I think her tummy is finally feeling better though so hopefully by tomorrow she will be back to normal. Oh, mommy bought Owie these adorable jean diapers and he rocked them with his chunky butt and round belly! You would have gotten a kick out of it!
  Right after you died I made myself a key chain with pictures of you in it so that I could see your face all the time. Well, it has kind of come to back to bite me because every time Colin sees it he cries and asks for you. I have been putting together your memory box and I am thinking I may have to get a bigger one! I have so many things to put in it that the little one I bought just isn't cutting it! That isn't a bad thing I guess...I have a lot of precious items I want to keep!
  I hope I can get through tomorrow with minimal break downs...mommy is taking me out to dinner and Tamara is taking me out for a birthday coffee and cupcake. Both will be lovely! Colin said he didn't get me anything...but I carried on mom's tradition and told him I just wanted "a clean house and no fighting." And oddly he gave a similar answer to what we always told mom, "I can't." I guess you really do reap what you sow! hehe I love you daddy! Enjoy some birthday cake up there for me and Geoffrey might like some too!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
  Carley

The last Lladro

   As I was cleaning today I went to dust my china cabinet and there they are...the beautiful Lladro's you have gotten me over the years. Tears started dripping down my face as I picked up the last one I will ever receive from you. It was my traditional last-day-of-Channukah present and has been so special to me! You picked them out with such care and they are all just beautiful! Bryan said he isn't sure he can afford to pick up that tradition but I told I didn't want him to because, "no offense, it just won't be as special!" So he is trying to come up with a new and cheaper tradition for me. hehe Such a thoughtful hubby! So, yet another thing to remind me of you...currently it's a little painful but over time it will be a sweet memory when I walk by my beautiful cabinet (that ironically you bought us as well).
   My day started with a headache and as it went on it got worse and worse and by the time church was out I had a bad migraine. So we got a quick lunch and I came home and laid down for a nap. I was hoping it would go away, but sadly it didn't. I tried to ice my head...no luck. After a very unproductive afternoon and really needing to plan meals for the week I gave in a took ibuprofen. It took forever to kick in but it finally did the trick and I was able to grocery shop and get some cleaning done! I had some thank you notes to write, my nightly journal for the kids, and of course this one. I am glad to actually be able to function again!
  Your little Dorothy is at camp this week and we miss her lots! Colin really wants her to have a sleep over when she gets back so hopefully she will be up for that! I don't know how she survives up there...but she isn't quite the princess that I am! hehe I do remember the one camping trip to (I believe) Canyon Lake that you took Stacey and I on, I swore a bear was going to get us! In hindsight...I don't think there are any bears there! But hey, to a 7ish year old...it was a real threat!
   Here is my God lesson for the day. I came across this quote this morning and it has stuck with me all day. “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” Corrie Ten Boom. At the moment I am in the middle of that tunnel. It is dark, and I don't see the light at the end of it. But trying to jump off would only leave me trapped in the darkness! I need to stay on this "train" and trust that the Conductor will get me through this dark tunnel unharmed and dare I say better than I was before I entered it! Sometimes I feel like standing up and crying out in fear, but in those moments of hopelessness, God has made Himself even sweeter to me. I long for the moment of seeing that light at the other side, but I am learning to just sit still, and let God work the controls! Not the easiest thing for me...but I am growing!
   Colin has asked for you a lot today! He is REALLY missing you! I find the days that it is hardest on him are the days it is hardest on me. I told mom, in his mind it is almost like you abandoned him. He doesn't know why you won't come back, and he thinks if he asks often enough, maybe you will. I can relate so well to that! Sometimes I feel like if I ask Jesus enough, He will break open that grave and you will come walking out of it! Oh wouldn't that be nice?! *sigh* a girl can dream!
    I should get to bed so that I don't get my Monday migraine for the 3rd week in a row. I am hoping today's migraine was monday's coming a day early! I love you...give my baby boy a kiss from me! 
   Your Favorite Second Born,
     Carley

A rainy day

Mommy wanted to celebrate my birthday with them before Dorothy left for camp tomorrow. So we went over there, the boys grilled burgers and dogs, and we had a nice lunch together complete with cake! Mommy didn't have enough candles for my old age (ha!) so I only put 1 candle to blow out. While we were there though, poor Dave S. got stung by bees around 30x thanks to the hive in the junky car next store! Mommy was very irritated and is trying to figure out how to get the hive taken care of without paying $200 again since it isn't even on your property! So he wasn't able to finish mowing the yard and mom couldn't take Curly into the backyard to do her business. Which is hard because she won't do it in the front yard...can't say I blame her though! It's not too private for such a personal thing. hehe We had plans to go to Dave and Buster's with friends tonight so we headed home to give the kiddos a nap. Shortly after we got home we had a wonderful and crazy monsoon storm hit and were blessed with lots of rain! Your side of town got hit worse than we did including a tree in Mattie and Christian's neighborhood that ended up on a car! Yikes! We just have a flooded back yard which means we won't have to turn the sprinklers on for a few days! YAY! Luckily the storm subsided right before we needed to leave so we made it there in one piece! It was a lot of fun and we enjoyed all the friends and family that came! It has been a fun annual tradition and the kids love it. We got over 2,000 tickets so Colin was able to get the baseball bat he wanted along with quite a few pieces of candy. When we got home however, we had quite the meltdown!!! Bryan asked Colin to wash his hands...and for some reason, I may never know, it caused an absolute panic attack! Bryan and I were literally standing there laughing hysterically (with our heads turned so he couldn't see us) because he was on the floor, pants-less, screaming, "NO! NO! NO!" and there was no reason why he couldn't just stand up and wash his hands! So after about 10 minutes of that, he finally got up and washed them. He had quite the headache after all his yelling! While that was taking place Cecily was on our bed with Owen and decided to entertain him by jumping on the bed...yea...she fell off, got her head on the corner of the frame and now has a HUGE lump on the back of her head! So I consoled her while Bryan dealt with Colin and praise Jesus Owen was just sitting there happily watching all the chaos! I found the whole thing very amusing and I know you would have too!
   So all in all it was a good day! A few kid updates, Cecily was given a pair of boots (from Chrissy) that she now LOVES and wants to wear them everywhere, she refuses to wear her swim top for swim lessons so she does it with just bottoms on like a true European girl, and she is still in love with Larry Boy. Colin is on his last package of pull ups and I have high hopes it's the last bag we will have to buy for him! Night time we will still have to put pull ups on him, but I am not too concerned about that yet. One battle at a time! Owen has discovered his voice and just screeches (he is currently doing it in my lap), giggles, coos, and babbles all day! The kids keep asking me what is wrong with him and tell him to stop but I keep reminding them that he is allowed to talk too! Poor kid!
   Well that about wraps it up! Wish you were here...it's going to be a difficult birthday week without you here! I wish you could be here for even just 1 day to celebrate with us! I love you and I miss you like crazy!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

1 month and 6 month Birthdays

Today is your 1 month Heavenly Birthday and Owen's 6 month Birthday. I have to admit his is a much happier milestone...I could have waited longer before celebrating your Heavenly Birthdays! We had Betsy's service today and it was beautiful but oh so difficult to sit through! I fought back tears the entire time! Owen pooped 3x during it and the last time he ended up leaking all over so I just stayed out in the lobby for the last part. It was kind of ironic to mommy and I because one thing Betsy was known for was her work on the lightrail. So now every time we see it, we will think of her. Just like every time we see picnic tables, grills, trash cans, benches, playgrounds, ramadas, etc. we think of you! So you both left something behind that when we see it, we will remember you guys and your contribution to the good ol' state of AZ! Her husband also made the comment that when going through her pictures he found a lot of pictures of architecture which was something she LOVED! Well when we went through YOUR pictures we found mostly pictures of playgrounds, new bench designs, trash cans, etc. You both have so much in common and I am sure you are chatting together up in Heaven about all the neat equipment and amazing architecture of all the beautiful mansions! hehe On my way home I was really struggling once again with the "why". Why didn't God heal you? He could have so easily, yet He didn't. Then ever so gently He said to me, "Carley, I watched my son die on a cross. I could have saved Him, but that would have defeated my greater plan of salvation." Ugh, if that doesn't make you feel bad for questioning God, I don't know what will! hehe And He is right, taking you is all a part of His greater plan. I don't know what that is now, but one day either here or in Heaven I will know what that plan is. Trusting His plan without seeing it is just tough sometimes!
    My dear friend Beth sent this to me today via FB and oh man is she right! I feel like every one else is moving on and yet I am still behind! Here are her honest words. "Don't you hate how everyone around you seems to keep living life as usual, and here you are struggling? I always said the world was moving on and leaving me behind. Honestly, to this day, I feel farther behind than the rest of the universe. I hated that others could just live like nothing had even happened. From family, to friends, to the world in general. I just had my heart ripped out, and you stand there smiling and talking about the latest thing your cat did. Sorry, I'm venting now...I still deal with things even now.:) point is, the world moves on. You can't. You will probably always be a few steps behind everyone. But eventually you create a new normal and your own world...and suddenly find yourself living again. I feel like I'm making absolutely no sense. It's hard to describe! Everything's just...hard. You make all the things I still deal with come to the top lol. And that's ok. Maybe we can just be a step behind together :)"
    At Chick-Fil-A tonight if you dressed up like a cow you got a free meal. So I whipped out my sewing machine and made the kids some cow costumes! They both got a kick out of them and walked around mooooing. They made pretty stinken cute cows! Cecily got a lot of "awwws" when she walked through the restaurant in her cow leg warmers! hehe Bryan and I both had a really good laugh though when the big cow came out. Like a lighting bolt Colin was under the table and clutching Bryan's leg! He had this panicked look on his face and didn't come out til he was sure the cow was gone. Cecily however got a kick out of it and even touched his "hoof". It was a nice time out with my family and a sweet little distraction. After dinner I made a Hobby Lobby run because I realized while sewing the costumes that my sewing stuff was just loose and I was losing things so I got a basket to put it all in. Now I am nicely organized and sewing will be easier when I don't have to look all over the house for the various things I need.
    Well there is laundry to be done...kids to bath and put to bed...a memory box for you to put together, and toys to clean up! I love you daddy!! Tell Betsy that she is very missed and we are all anxious to see you two again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Distractions

I'm gonna be honest...I've had a difficult day emotionally! I haven't cried (much)...haven't really shown my emotion to people...but man, internally I am a MESS! I can't think straight...simple tasks seem complicated and use way more brain power than they should! Even typing this out is using a lot of brain cells! hehe The reality (YOU ARE GONE) has really been hitting hard lately and I am struggling to figure out this new normal. And EVERYTHING reminds me of you! Today in a boutique the radio was on and of course an advertisement for MD Anderson Cancer center came on and I immediately felt sick. They had stories of survivors and how great their success rates were and all I could think was, "Why couldn't YOU have been one of those success stories?!" It sends an ache through my whole body when I think about it. Despite all of that I still tried to have a good day. I took mom on some errands and we brought food over to the church for Betsy's service tomorrow. Her service is on the 1 month mark of your Heavenly Birthday and it seems so unfair! Why did cancer have to take yet another person?! I find myself thinking, "Can't this just stop with you? Can't my dad be the LAST person to ever have to deal with this?!" I don't want anyone else to have to walk this road...yet many people face it daily. Today, someone else if not a few people, lost their lives to various diseases and accidents and it just breaks my heart for the families they leave behind. If they (those who passed) knew Jesus they are now spending eternity with Him but yet I know the pain it leaves behind for those of us here. I wish I could skip past the deep pain of this experience but I know the pain is what God uses to mold and refine us so I am putting on my big girl panties and trying to boldly walk through it! I'll be honest though, sometimes, like last night, I just want to "put a diaper on" and whine and cry and throw a big tantrum!!!
  We had some funny moments today at your house. Someone blew up a giant picture of you and cut the head out, so mommy put it on a pillow next to Weston so he could "sleep next to you." Stacey walked in and apparently almost had a heart attack to see your face on the pillow next to him! Cecily LOVES it though and walked around holding it saying, "It's my grandpa!" Colin however said, "I still just want my grandpa back!" when he saw it so I put it up in order to avoid upsetting him. We ran around the house playing with Curly, and Cecily enjoyed some pretzels while sitting in a bin of toys. All the normal things are continuing on and I guess that's a good thing! Mommy got Wayne's school uniforms in, booked the hotel to take Tobin to CA for her exam, Stacey did insurance meeting stuff, Mattie made mom homemade laundry detergent, Stacey made awesome shortbread cookies, and Dorothy is still making all sorts of cute things for her barbie house. Colin is doing better with potty training, though still not accident free and Cecily has found her voice and sings all day long! I LOVE hearing her sing and I know you would have too! It melts my heart!
  As always, I love you and I miss you!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
I caught this beautiful display tonight! I confess I always get mad when I see people taking pictures while driving..yet I did exactly that to get the shot! The shadow was just amazing! Oops! hehe

Inner Giants

For lack of a better expression, the last two days I have been battling a lot of "inner giants." Things that without Jesus, I could not face on my own! Partly why I didn't write yesterday, I just didn't know what to say. I wish you were here so I could talk to you and tap into your never ending fountain of wisdom but I guess it's just me and God! Who, truly has the never ending fountain of wisdom, so I know I am better off talking to Him about it anyhow! hehe I have never been good with facing conflict and tend to want to run and hide but as time has gone on I have learned it better to just face it sooner rather than later. I find a lot of you in myself! I remember mommy having to make you sit down and talk things through because you immediately would clam up when a problem arose. That is so how I am, and I guess because of you I have learned how to come out of that shell. Well, that and a VERY patient hubby who over the last 5 years has also worked on that area in my life and taught me the importance of clearing things up and sorting through problems right away instead of waiting for it to just "go away." Which we all know, it never does! So I guess I should thank you for showing me how to change and that it is possible to change! Looking back on my childhood I see so many things in your life that God molded, shaped, and refined in you! You showed me what a life surrendered to Him looked like and you allowed Him, even until your final breathe, to have His will in your life. Sure, you would rather have lived into a ripe old age, but I will never forget the strained yet strong words you said to me one night as you laid there. You said, "Carley, I am not afraid to die." You knew it wasn't the end, it was the start of an even better life...a life face to face with your King!
  I drove past your office today...I must admit I felt a bit sick to my stomach with the realization that I will probably never step foot in that place again. I used to bring the kids over to play on the equipment and we'd go to Moki's for lunch. Oh my heart aches to do those things again! I remember so clearly the last time we visited you there. Colin was always so excited to visit you, though I think it was more the playgrounds than seeing you that got him excited! hehe
  Cecily danced nakey on your side of the bed last night...good thing you won't be using your pillow! Mommy even let Curly up there! Sadly, I can't stick dirty diapers under your pillow anymore...but just you wait! When I get to Heaven...you may start finding them again!
  Well, the kids are still napping and I have a living room that looks like a tornado hit it! I love you! Oh, and happy 4 week heavenly birthday!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You at your office for Cecily's 1st birthday. Doing what you did best, holding little Evan and keeping him from fussing! Man I miss my baby bouncer! hehe

A crumpled drawing

I woke up with a bad headache today which kept me in bed until about 3:30pm. My wonderful hubby worked from home and looked after the kiddos. He is quite used to headaches and migraines sadly! I blame my grandmas since both are prone to them! hehe So after a long "morning" my head finally started feeling good enough to get out of bed. I still have a bit of one tonight but not the pounding kind...just a dull throb! I miss your "hope you feel better, love!" texts when you found out I had a migraine or headache. I looked through my old texts and found one so I just pretended it was from today! hehe
  We decided to make a Monday trip down to your grave. I asked Colin if he wanted to make you something and he immediately ran into the office and grabbed some blue paper to draw you a larry mobile! After drawing it, he crumpled it up, so I asked him why he was doing that and he replied, "I want to throw it at grandpa! He always throws banana peels at me!" I knew you'd approve! So we met mommy and the kids at Barros then headed over to the Gardens. Colin brought a different larry mobile drawing because the other one got torn (thanks to Cecily...that was a lovely fight! haha) and tucked it away in your flowers so it didn't blow away. Mommy told him that you might throw a banana peel down from Heaven and he giggled then looked up nervously! hehe She is taking on your sense of humor now! We walked around for a little while and I made my way over to the baby section of the graves. Oh how my heart broke when I saw all the tombstones. Some had only hours listed for the baby's life, other only a single day, and some only a few months to a year. One had twins that had died a few days apart. I couldn't even begin to imagine what those parents suffered losing both babies and at different days like that! Twice the grieving and heart ache! It reminded me of my sweet baby boy that you are now getting to know! Please tell him how much we love and miss him! We also met the parents of the young boy who is buried next to you. He was Tobin's age when he passed, also from cancer I believe. They are sweet people and we will probably see them often. As we were leaving Colin told them, "My grandpa is buried here. I really love him!" It melted my heart! Cecily waved and blew you a kiss! I am sure that kiss reached you in Heaven!
  On our way home I was texting a new and dear friend Gloria and she made a comment about her own life that rung so true to me. She said something along the lines of walking with a wounded awkward walk. I feel as though I will always have a limp now, but I know God will use that "limp" to reach those around me. The song lyrics came back to me, "I would not trade what is broken for beauty only." As much as I have gone kicking and screaming into this journey, I wouldn't want it any other way if this is the BEST road for me to be on. And I am confident that it is because He wouldn't ask me to walk it if it didn't have the best outcome!
  A beautiful quote from a blog I am following (the daughter was born with a rare heart defect)
 "Life isn't always easy. There are frustrations and pain and suffering, from little things to the big things. But God cares. And He loves us.

This is where so many people stand up and say, "But God didn't do _____________ for me. He didn't stop ____ from happening, or _______ from dying."

I get that. I really really do. He didn't stop Annabelle's heart from being broken when she was born. He could have. But he didn't.

I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I do know that my God takes care of me. I do know that if I trust him, and if I make the choice to praise Him during the tough times, that He will bring peace from our sorrows, and joy in the morning.

Ah, and what a morning that will be!"-Krista
Give my Geoffrey a kiss from me! And give Beth's little angels a hug from her! And while you are at it, give Rachel a squeeze from Nadia! I love you daddy!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
A few pictures from your grave. The first one is of the little twins that really touched my heart!

An Earthly Birthday

Bryan celebrated 29 years today! I keep teasing him that he is an old man...and I can do that forever because I will always be 4 years younger! He said birthdays don't make him feel older...life events do. Getting married, owning a house, birth of kids, etc. I will be turning 25 next week and that always seemed SO old to me when I was like...8 but now that it is coming up it doesn't seem so old! I still feel "young and hip" as you always used to say! I miss seeing you dance around and do your little one leg twist. Another thing I wish I had videotaped so that I could watch it over and over when I miss you. Oh well, I guess that is one reason Jesus gave us a memory...so we can look back on life and remember those funny moments! We wish you were here to celebrate with us but I have a feeling you ate some birthday cake in Heaven! Speaking of cake, Tobin made Bryan a beautiful white chocolate and strawberries cake! She was up til 2am making it! Such a sweet sister-in-law to him! Mommy got us some fun gift cards so we can take the kiddos bowling which is something we have wanted to do for a while now. And just so you know, Tobin and I carried on the tradition and did the "Birthday Candle Dance"!
  Tonight was hard...Colin asked multiple times to have you back. He said, "I want to see Grandpa really bad! I need to tell him I love him!" I think he is feeling a little guilty about all the times he rejected your love! hehe In all seriousness though, he really does miss you! And ya know, this never really occurred to me until he brought it up tonight but Jesus really made it tough for parents with the death conversation. He told me that you were coming back soon from the "mineral" (funeral) home just like Jesus did when he died and came back! Umm yea...try explaining that to an (almost) 4 year old! I explained to him the obvious-Jesus had to die to take away our sins and that he rose again to defeat death (like superheros when they fight their enemy and defeat them) and that He is now in Heaven and will come back for us one day. His little mind was working really hard on that information but I know a little bit of it got in. hehe
  My one lesson for the day that God laid on my heart during my quiet time was that up until now, I have always viewed "Living with eyes towards heaven" more in the "Live to bring others to Christ" sort of way which obviously is part of it. But now it has a whole new meaning because I have realized how temporary this place really is and that our eyes should be focused on our eternal home. When someone knows they will be moving they prepare...they get rid of clutter, they clean the house, etc. I need to not be living here like this is where I am staying, I need to be storing up treasure in Heaven and keeping my heart and mind clean. It's so easy to get caught up in the frivolous things of this life (tv shows, music, gossip, friendships, etc) but now all I want is Jesus! All those earthly things can't satisfy me, they can't mend my heart, they can't give me peace that surpasses all understanding. There is nothing wrong with those things, I just no longer feel like I need them. As my favorite song says, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."
  Looking forward to the day we are reunited! I love you daddy!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

The Birthday boy and his mommy!

Heavenly reunion

As I am sure you know by now, Betsy went to join you and Jesus in heaven today. My heart just broke into pieces when I heard the news! Just like you, I know she is home and heaven is the best place she could be, but I can't help but grieve with her husband! He is now walking the hardest road he has probably ever been called to walk! Some might think that for all of us it's "easier" because we knew it was coming, but nothing can actually prepare you for the moment that you see that last breathe! You just stare...and wait...and internally (or externally) plea for their chest to rise and fall again....yet it never does! Knowing ahead of time doesn't make it any easier when the reality hits...you're gone! Your soul is with Jesus and your body is now empty. It's the most difficult realization to ever have! Another reminder that this world is not our home!
  I read through the Fathers Legacy journal you wrote about 10 years ago. It was like talking to you again reading through all your funny childhood stories and precious journey with Christ. I learned that you loved your moms homemade pancakes with fresh berries you picked. And that your dad made a great split pea soup! It made me start one of my own for my kids, I want them to have something to read about my childhood stories and journey with Christ. That is one huge lesson this has taught me is that this life is so short and that the precious memories we make now are what our children and grandchildren will have to pass on to their children. I want my kids to know how precious Jesus is to me, that they are loved and cherished, and that I desire above all for them to have a relationship with Christ even stronger than mine. I know not when the Lord will take me home, and I pray that I live a long life, but if I don't, I want to have already written things down to encourage them in their walk with the Lord if I cannot be there. My dear friend Julie shared recently on her blog that her mom had left her stuff like that for her to look at after she had passed (also from cancer) and it made me want all the more to be thinking about ways to encourage my kids in their walk with the Lord even if I am gone!
  Tonight we brought a pizza over to the family for dinner. We all ate, shared funny tv show moments, and played outside with Curly. Life just keeps on moving! It has been almost a month since you left to be with Jesus and every day that passes feels that much more lonely without you here. I'm so grateful for my heavenly father who has held my hand and walked along side me during the darkest time in my life!
  I better get to bed! Tomorrow is Bryan's birthday and we are having your family over for lunch. It will be sad not having you there but maybe you can eat some cake up there to celebrate with us!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
   Carley
I passed this while getting something out of your closet. My heart bled a little seeing your rings together...you may be gone but you are still very loved and cherished by your wife!

Helpess

Today has been a day of pretty much feeling helpless. Mom has had a really rough time and I feel so lost as to how to help her! All she wants is to be left alone to grieve her husband and yet she has so much being demanded of her physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. I wish I could help take some of it off her plate but all I can do is pray for her and help keep the house a little tidy. It's days like today where I find myself questioning God over and over again "Why did you take him?! We need him here!" I don't ever want to doubt God's plan but I find myself struggling with that very thing at this moment. I know you wouldn't ever want me to doubt God's ability to work everything out for His best and our good but..ugh...it's so hard! Seeing your mommy break down like that is just...it tears your heart out! I imagine myself in her place...trying to take care of her children, mourn for her love, be a strong woman, and above all honor God through this situation and I feel overwhelmed just IMAGINING what she is going through let alone actually walking it! I never even realized how big of a headache it can be when someone dies just working out all the money stuff, legal stuff, house stuff, insurance, medical bills, blah, blah! It's just...a nightmare!! You had a lot of things in place to make it easier but somehow it has still managed to be difficult for her. She has so many meetings to go to, paperwork to fill out, people to talk to, etc. and she has had no time to just fall to pieces and begin to heal. I am hoping that after things "settle down" a little she will let us send her on a little weekend get-away because she NEEDS IT! I don't want her having a nervous break-down on top of everything else going on.
   Moving on...after trying to "help" I just decided that I needed to leave and give her some time to herself. So I took the kids home...crying the whole way while praying. Colin is going to think his mommy talks to herself a lot because car rides lately have been a lot of "mommy talking to herself" aka praying outloud! hehe He sometimes gets irritated if I talk louder than his Veggie Tales songs...so I try to keep it down. I was so emotionally gone by the time Bryan got home he took us out to Jason's deli and to Lowe's to pick out a new faucet for mommy! Her old one (as you know) is old and broken so we got her a pretty new one! Now I just gotta find someone to install it since that is so not our thing! Computers...Bryan's got it covered...plumbing...not so much! hehe
  Well my kitchen is in desperate need of some TLC...i've neglected my duties long enough! We love and miss you something fierce!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Clockwise: The kiddos played spy ninjas and ran around the house hiding. Curly likes to sleep in her toy bin. Bryan and Cecily sharing some yogurt. And Owen's first time sitting in a high chair!!