It's Baby Time!

Oh dad, it's been a very fast year! I can scarcely believe it is coming to a close. 2015 was a year of amazing high and some pretty difficult lows. I was pushed to face fears that I never wanted to have to face but I feel like I am so much stronger now that things I wouldn't have dreamt of doing a year ago, I can now face with minimal anxiety and that is HUGE for me!

So one thing I am noticing about this thing called grief is that it seems to get harder at certain times of the year....the holidays being one of them. So many memories are made at the holidays and not having you here to make them is incredibly difficult. One such memory is the any-moment-now arrival of your Stacey Jo's first baby. Little Choate as we call him (I will let her do the name reveal) is one loved and cherished little boy already and we haven't even met him! It knocks me off my feet every time I think about the fact that you will never get to meet him. I have 3 such memories of you meeting my children and it seems so unfair that you don't get that with Stacey's firstborn. Mommy is doing her duty in spoiling him and we are all going out there to help her out for the first few weeks, but it's not the same without you here. You've been gone so long now it sometimes feel like you were never really here. Yet that deep hole in our hearts is a constant reminder that you did exist and nothing will ever be quite the same. We will all do our best to talk to little Choate about you and let him know that his amazing grandpa loves him even though he never got to meet him here. What I will always remember about you is how much you loved your grandkids and took on the roll of grandpa with pride and joy! Thank you for giving my kids 4 amazing years with their grandpa Wayne! You impacted their lives more than you will ever know during those 4 short years.

Some long overdue grandkid updates: Colin is now 7 and he is an amazing big brother! Sure he doesn't always love being the oldest and having the most responsibility but he bears it like a champ...most of the time. He is doing amazing at school and piano and I am not just saying that because I'm his mom. He catches onto things so fast and just blows me away with how quickly he picks up on new things. He has already finished one book in Sparks and is barreling through the second. He is doing great at soccer and loves that both him and Bryan play now so they can practice together. Cecily is 5.5 and growing like a weed! She is catching up to Colin in size and just as eager to learn. Cecily's strength is that it might take her a little longer to pick up on something new but when she does...she never forgets it. She plays piano, has finished one Sparks book as well, is breezing through her first grade work, and is becoming an amazing little helper around the house. She LOVES when I ask her to help me clean or organize something...we will see how long that lasts. Owen is almost 4 and this kid is FINALLY getting the hang of potty training. It's been a struggle like it was with Colin but he is doing much better and dare I say may be potty trained by his 4th birthday. He is doing preschool work and Cubbies. He can memorize things that I never thought were possible and he is coming to terms with the fact that he isn't going to get any more milky turns. Lucy is 2.5 and this girl is just a gem! Joy after sorrow has been the theme surrounding her birth and she has lived up to her Verse. She is so passionate, caring, spunky, adventurous, and lights up a room. She loves to make people laugh, always looks for who she can take care of even if it's just a hug, and loves to wear tutus over her pants. She loves to copy everything she sees which is both great and scary! I hope she never loses her incredible spirit to take care of those around her! I am loving getting to know this girl and being her mom is simply the best! Lincoln is almost 8 months and I can hardly believe it! He crawls and has 4 words in his arsenal. Mama, Dadda, Ba-ba (Brother), and Boob (It sounds like Boom and he says it when he wants to nurse). Bryan is pretty proud that he has successfully taught two of our children to say boob before they were 8 months old. He seems to be very extraverted, likes eye contact, hitting things/people, talking, and when he is upset he SCREAMS not just cries. It's more like an angry growl really. He is either over the top happy or HULK SMASH! This could be interesting! hehe

Then there is me...I am ok. As I said before the Holidays are tough. A month ago I was great and felt like I could take on the world and now I kind of want to just stay home and cry while I eat some room temperature ice cream. Did I mention I have a crown that hurts like the dickens? I am not a fan of dental work and this stupid crown has me VERY grumpy! It hurts all day and all night. I need to go back in but after months and months of this I am kind of over it and feel like just dealing with the pain for the rest of my life or just pulling the freaking tooth out myself. I am looking forward to seeing Stacey and being there for baby Choate's birth! I don't know what I am going to do when we have to leave...I am seriously considering smuggling him and Stacey in the van...Chris won't notice right? If you could put in a good word with Jesus that I need my kids to sleep....I'd super appreciate it! Getting 3 hours a night for the last few weeks is starting to make me a crazy person...seriously!

Well I have a feverish Cecily who needs some momma time. It goes without saying that I miss you intensely and I love the heck out of you!

Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some of our family pictures...aren't they so grown up?!

His TImeline

I finally hit the big 2-8 last week! On one hand I feel so old but on the other hand I feel like I am a toddler still. Trying to navigate this crazy thing called life and raise these kids God has so graciously bestowed on me and Bryan. I sat through a mommy "pep talk" a week ago and one thing she said really stuck with me. She said something along the lines of, "You were put on God's timeline at the EXACT moment He needed you. He said, 'Now is the time for {Carley} to enter my story so I can use her for my Kingdom', and it was so." Truthfully dad I am a very fearful & anxious person when it comes to my future. I always have been, as you know all too well. I spent many nights laying on your floor terrified of what might happen or crying during a panic attack 100% certain I was dying. My life's verse seems to be

 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 1 Timothy 1:7

I have spent so much time living in fear of what the future would be like for my children as the world around me falls deeper and deeper into the abyss of immorality and sin. I look around me and get this pit in my stomach that my children will have such a difficult time standing up for righteousness and the even more nauseating thought of, what if they don't?! "Maybe I was selfish to bring them into this horribly messed up world" the thought often creeps into my mind. But her words echoed in my head, God NEEDS these little ones for HIS story. On 9-11 He decided it was time for Colin to enter His story. Then on 4-7 it was Cecily's time. Again on 1-13 Owen would fulfill God's calling to enter the world. He needed another Light (as her name means) and on 7-23 His Light shined brighter and Lucy entered the world. His story needed another character so on 4-13 Lincoln was born. Yes they will come under much attack both by the enemy and those around them, but God has something so amazing in store for them if they surrender to His purpose and will for their lives. So many times I have wondered what my purpose is in this life. Why was I put here when I was? I may never know on this side of the Heaven but I am certain of one thing: My life and everyone that will come because of my life, has an incredibly important role in making HIS story something GREAT!


So this new year as a 28 year old will bring many new things for me, of that I am sure. One thing will remain the same, my desire to fall deeper in love with the One who made me!


Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 Your 1st grandson lost his 3rd tooth! He's pretty excited!

 Birthday treats from a dear friend!

 Found Colin holding this while listening to In Christ Alone. He told me you were the funniest grandpa he has ever had!

 Bryan took me to a nice birthday dinner. I am blessed to have this man!

 Birthday party for me, Bryan, and Lucy. We missed you!

THRIVING

It's been a crazy first half of the year! Lots of changes, uncomfortable situations, joyful moments, growth, and challenges. We have become stronger as a family which is a beautiful thing to see! We are still house hunting but I have resigned myself to just letting Bryan do his thing and when it's the right one, he will know it and feel confident in his decision! Our goal is to find something in the fall/winter so we aren't moving over the summer. It's all in His timing though! I am content in this house, however storage is something I am greatly craving! I actually have sad feelings about moving because I have now birthed 5 kids in this house and you were a big part in our early renovations. The backyard was totally your vision and you put all the work into it. How blessed I feel to have had you there for my early years of marriage! You helped two naive "babies" navigate the crazy world of homeownership and I am forever grateful and humbled by your generosity and love!

Speaking of moving, we finally have a church that we are so very blessed to be a part of! In the fall when we were discussing what we were going to do and had visited lots of churches we joked that we would know it was where God wanted us if we didn't scare people off with how many of us there are. After a few weeks of trying "Pipe Jar Fellowship" Bryan made the comment that so far no one seemed to be running. And since then we have found the opposite to be true. They have embraced all of our crazy and taken us in and LOVED us for who we are as a family of 7. Bryan said one of his biggest desires was for us to find a church that I could plug in and connect with ladies there and if he so happened to connect with the men, that would be a bonus! We are so humbled and blessed that we BOTH have connected with the couples there and better yet our kids all have such a fun time together and are building sweet friendships. We could not have asked God for a better place to be at this point in our lives! It's so incredible for me to see that each of the ladies in the group are exactly what I need at this point in my life and have blessed me more than they could ever know! Last year I was feeling so alone and so disconnected and truthfully just depressed. I feel like I am starting to do life again for the first time since your death and I am beginning to not just survive but THRIVE. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and knowing we have a community of people that are here for us, love us, support us, and encourage us has been a sweet drink to my soul. The song Never Once has been echoing in my head today and specifically the words "You are faithful God, You are faithful" resonate so deeply in my heart. 

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we've come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You've done
Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I can't tell you how many times daddy I felt like I WAS alone, then on cue He would remind me so tenderly that He was still beside me carrying me when my own feet were not enough. These past 3 years have taught me what feels like a lifetime of lessons yet I know I still have so much more to learn. I have begun to sift through the HARD questions of loss and how they have affected me and so much healing has begun. I know I am not the same person I was 3 years ago, but because God has redeemed me and my life, there will be a beautiful ending to my story! 

Your grandbabies are all doing so well and I wish I could pause life for just a minute to soak up these precious days! Colin is almost 7...how?! Just yesterday we were giving him bubble baths on your kitchen counter in the blow up bathtub and singing "Colly Wally you're the one, you make bathtime so much fun!" While he giggled and splashed and now he is going into 2nd grade and just as inquisitive as ever! He asks me so many questions and wants a solid answer...half thought out answers don't suffice! Google is my best friend these days for those questions that I just can't answer! haha Yesterday on his date with Bryan he was telling him how he dreamed he was a pronghorn and could even run across the water! I love the imagination God gave him! Then there is Cecily, sweet Cessy just turned 5 and is as stubborn and endearing as always! She has Grandpa Tim wrapped around her finger and can get just about anything she wants out of him. Their relationship is something that only God could have orchestrated. I know you would have been equally as smitten with her and she with you, but God in his faithfulness brought a man into mom's life that would treat your princess as royally as you would have. For that I am truly humbled and thankful! She is going into 1st grade this fall and will be starting ballet up again soon. She LOOOOVES to dance and when music plays, she shows off her stuff! My inner ballet dancer melts when I see the smile on her face as she performs for anyone who will watch. Owen, that little boy has a smile that is contagious and laughter that could lift the spirits of even the grumpiest of people! He loves to make people laugh, and while typing this came up to me just to stroke my face and kiss my cheek in between playing. He is going to be doing preschool this year and I know he will rock it! Animals are a favorite of his and he can tell you all about the vampire squid, whale shark, blue whale, caracals, crab spiders, and more! I often wonder if he will be a zoologist when he grows up. It is such a passion of his and he is always seeking more information on what they do, what they eat, where they live, who their predators are, and if he can have one as a pet. Lucy, or crazy Lu as we call her is just as feisty as ever! We adore our little firecracker and not a day goes by that I don't just stare at her mischevious faces and thank the Lord for our Joy after Sorrow. At any given moment you will find her jumping on the couch, trying to fly off the back of the couch, climbing the kitchen counters, giving Mollie things she shouldn't have, and loving on her little brother. She will be 2 soon and I can hardly believe she is that old! Seems like only last week she was my little pink bundle keeping me up all night in the sweetest way! Last but not least, little Lincoln. He is growing like a weed true to Spears form and is trying to catch up to his big brothers! He is only 2 months old yet wearing 6-9 months clothing, weighs over 15lbs, and is starting to try to sit up. He refuses to be left behind and I feel that may be a trend with him as he gets bigger. He sleeps for 8-9 hours at night STRAIGHT and if it wasn't for his older siblings waking me up I would be full of energy! :-) We are so in love with him and grateful for God's goodness in allowing us to raise him!

Well that about wraps it up for us! I have some SUPER amazing and exciting things to share with you but nap time is over and kids need a snack! I love you so very much and my heart looks forward to the day when I see you again!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Some picture for your viewing pleasure. I don't have time to caption them, but you will get the gist of it! ;-)

Learning to wait...

I feel as though the last few years have been nothing but a time of the Lord telling me to wait. I have so many things that I want answers for now or to be able to do now but they seem to be moving further and further from my grasp. I was reminded today during my quiet time of this poem that has been a reoccurring theme during my life. When you were so sick and we wanted to know if you would be healed or if He would take you home this poem was something I clung to and read daily!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait?!" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By faith I have asked and I'm claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hang in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

Oh, Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry;

I'm weary of asking. I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So I slumped in my chair defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun;

I could raise the dead and causes mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you will be;

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You would not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You would not know the power that I give to the faint.

You would not learn to see through the clouds of despair.

You would not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You would not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

Sure, you'd known that I give and I save...(for a start),

But you would not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God Who makes what you have last...

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee."

Yes, your dreams for yourself overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though often My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious reply is still, "Child, you must wait!"

Author unknown

So there is my prayer for today, that I will learn to wait well and with a heart to know Him more through the waiting. 

I love and miss you more each passing day!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley 

Lincoln meeting auntie Stacey yesterday!

Meeting Lincoln

Tonight we brought little Link to "meet" you. I had so many emotions this week knowing we were going to take him to your grave. I figured since we had already done it with Lucy it wouldn't be as hard...but it was just as difficult as last time. My heart hurts to have to bring my kids to their grandpa's grave. It just doesn't feel right. When we pulled up all the kids jumped out and said, "Let's go find grandpa!" and walked around trying to figure out which one was yours...it's just so...wrong. Every time we go there are new graves dug and already the area around you is all filled in. The tree next to you is getting bigger and bigger and is starting to provide much needed shade from the AZ sun. When they sit down and ask what part of you they are "sitting on" and whoever sits on your face usually gets a good giggle out of it. It makes me smile because I know if you were here you would share in their sense of humor. Each one of them has something about them that reminds me of you and is a very bittersweet thing! Colin's ability to make friends anywhere he goes. Cecily bites her toenails. Gross, but so you! Owen LOVES to make people laugh and is very good at it just by being him! Lucy is feisty as can be and provokes her siblings very well! Lincoln's little personality is obviously still developing so we will see what Grandpa Wayne trait he brings to our family. Here are the pictures we took. They aren't very good because the sun was down by the time we got there and he was NOT wanting to be set down. But hey, I will take what I can get! I wish you could hold this sweet boy but I like to think you somehow have already! I love you and miss you terribly!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Lincoln's Birth-What Closure Feels Like

We have a new family member to introduce to you. Lincoln Russell was born on April 13th weighing in at 9.8lbs and 20.5in long. We are enjoying every minute with this little guy and I am so incredibly relieved to have him out! That was by far the hardest end of pregnancy for me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to work my rear off to be able to have him at home but God is so incredibly faithful and I was able to have him at home! The journey (to be) home (ha) was incredibly difficult and at times I felt so alone and disappointed but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see God so clearly moving amongst what felt like total chaos. He answered each one of my prayers in His perfect timing and it taught me so much patience and the beauty in giving Him control. Normally I get really irritated that my body doesn't go into labor easily despite all the contractions and early progression. However this time I was so thankful that my body "hates me" because it allowed me to have more time to get my body back on track and have the all clear for a home birth.
 So for his birth story: it kind of started on Thursday morning. I had tons of early labor signs and Bryan even commented that my demeanor was that of being in labor. By Thursday night I was frustrated that nothing was getting more intense and knew it would likely fizzle out though I was hopeful maybe it wouldn't. Friday morning came and I still having a lot of contractions but nothing more intense than the day before. By Friday night everything started to slow down so I knew he wasn't coming after all. Saturday and Sunday were slow days and we finally got around to finishing a large chunk of our to-do list. Monday I had a midwife appt at momdoc and we had an ultrasound to check on how he was doing in there since I was a day shy of 40 weeks. She asked if I wanted her to check me and I said sure since I hadn't been checked in a while. I was 4cm and she said my water was bulging with the contractions I was having. Her exam was kind of "rough" so she said she would be surprised if I didn't have him within the next 24 hours. I left my appt feeling like he was never going to come...but about an hour later I had (sorry TMI dad) bloody show and called Bryan to tell him I thought I might go into labor that night. He decided to leave work and meet me at home so he could finish some stuff up. The wonderful man cleaned the bathrooms and finished the dishes so that it didn't stress me out when I was in labor. Since I needed to get the IV's for antibiotics during labor I needed to call the nurse coming asap so we could get two of them in. By 4pm I was feeling like things were picking up and the cramps were now coming as contractions. I called the nurse at around 4:30 and she said she would be here in about an hour. We started the IV around 6:30 even though no one was convinced at that point that I was in deed in labor. I had to lay still for the IV because she didn't have a pole I could push around with it so I just laid on the bed and things started to slow. After an hour when it finished and she unhooked me I got up and started walking and they picked right back up. I knew I was around 7-8cm by the time the midwives got there but I could tell something was off. My contractions, though painful, weren't dilating me right from how I could feel them. I want to say at around 9pm I asked her to check me and she said I was technically fully dilated BUT when I had a contraction I was going to a 6 because his head was looking to the side. I KNEW something was off. I felt pushy earlier but knew not to push. So they had me try some different things to get him in a better position and after about an hour I was fully dilated and staying there during contractions. During that time they were able to run the second IV so I could get two in there before he was born. I hope to never have to have an IV in labor again but if i do at least I can do it at home! I got in the water to start pushing a little after 10pm and I *think* I pushed for about thirty minutes. Pushing always leaves me with a slight panic because I know full well now what to expect when those Bryan babies come out. It does not feel good! I always think to myself "maybe I can just hold them in a tad longer...." haha But they must come out so I eventually come to terms with it and realize they are only coming out one way and I gotta PUSH to make that happen! Lincoln decided to come out sideways with his hand up and I could tell without her even saying anything that he wasn't coming out normally. It felt so different and as if he was wiggling his way out instead of my body pushing him out. He eventually made his own way out and it was love at first sight! Immediately everything I had gone through didn't matter anymore and he was here and he was perfect! The day/night is a bit hazy but I think that is the jist of it. :-) I so wish you could meet him but one day...hopefully far into the future...you will! So that pregnancy/birth is over with and I am so happy to finally have closure to that crazy rollercoaster! The kids are already asking when their next sibling is coming and at the moment that thought sends me into a panic! haha I told them to give me a few years...that did not really make them happy but they aren't the ones sitting on an ice pack. hehehe
I love and miss you! More updates will have to wait until another time because little Link needs to nurse.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some pictures from his birth and first week. Mom is loving her newest grandbaby!