Transference

  I was discussing with mom how she is picking up some of your funny traits and bad habits. Which ones you may ask? Well for starters the lady who rarely ate at McDonald's...goes there a few times a week! You used to eat there weekly and your poison of choice was the Filet-O-Fish. I gag just thinking about it! I remember many car trips where you insisted on ordering 1 or 2 and they smelled the whole car up...both during and after consumption! We would all yell at you and you would just do your maniacal laugh and keep on eating! Mommy however does not order the Filet-O-Fish. And the day she does we will know she really lost it! She also has like 3-4 different text conversations with people throughout the day....CRAZY!!! Little miss anti-social is getting a social life! Bet you didn't see that coming! Then there are the sarcastic and witty remarks she has started making to us...she isn't quite the seasoned pro that you were...but she is getting there!
   Life...hmmm that is a tough one! I am so far behind on everything I now feel like it's gonna take weeks to catch back up! I finally got ALL the laundry in the house done and put away..Hallelujah! And that includes rugs, towels, etc. But toys, dusting, dishes, floors...yea...it's not pretty! Colin told me that I need to pick them up because he can't find anything! hahaha I told him he COULD pick them up himself...but I think he knows me well enough to know I would prefer he not do that since they won't end up in the right spot. I am also doing a major toy purge before the holidays because as it is we are totally running out of space and I refuse to buy more bins to store things in!
  I heard this song today and it's "my" song at the moment. It's called, "Need you Now" and it's kind of dramatic...but honestly, I feel a little dramatic lately. The part of the lyrics that echoed my heart were,
"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."
 Just last night Colin said to me with tears in his eyes, "I just really miss my grandpa!" In those moments I literally feel the breathe come out of me! And like the song says, He gives me strength to just keep breathing. It is so easy to become so overwhelmed and full of grief that even breathing seems difficult to handle. As time is going on that hard, knot in my stomach reality has set it, I really won't ever have you here again. There is so much denial at first which is something I never realized existed. I would see someone in my situation and hear them say it didn't seem real and I'd think, "How can it not seem real?!" but just like so many other things through this experience..I get it! Your brain takes a while to process what has happened. It has to catch up. Mine has caught up...and I don't like it one bit! Living in the false hope of MAYBE having you back made the pain less sharp. Now there is no denying...you are gone. A vapor in the wind...here today gone tomorrow. Well metaphorically since you've been dead almost 6 months! So there ya go...I am in the "Acceptance stage" of grief. Whatever the means!
  Moving on to your grandkids. Colin is becoming such a wonderful helper! It's amazing what a difference a 4 year old can make! He is almost totally self-sufficient and on top of that he helps me with Cessy and Owen. I can trust him to keep on eye on them if I leave the room and he is very gentle with them. Ok, he is gentle with Owen...Cessy well she pushes his buttons so I can't blame him when he lashes out! haha He's doing well in pre-school and told me all about what he learned about Thanksgiving last week. Squanto, how he helped the Pilgrims,the Mayflower, etc. He was very proud of everything he learned! Cecily, oh Cecily! She keeps me on my toes! She is sneaky, a tad mean, curious, BUT she is also loving, my little helper around the house, and a future ballerina! Her favorite thing is to put on tutus, ballet shoes, and a crown and dance around the house! Tobin let her wear a pair of pointe shoes yesterday and we couldn't get them off her! She LOVED them! Makes this momma happy! Little Owen...I hate to say this...but someone took my sweet baby and gave me a feisty toddler! He is trying to walk, learned to hit, bite, and yell when he doesn't get his way, and signs milky, more, and please. He spends most of his day playing with superhero action figures and growling. At only 10 months he gravitates towards the Ironman or Spiderman over the baby dolls or Barbies. It really is funny how boys just know what is "cool" to play with! I am spending most of my day though working on those above mentioned issues because when I say he hits and yells to get his way...I mean he does it allllllll day! He follows me around hitting me and yelling at me if I don't give in to his every whim. It's not pretty...mom was shocked when she saw him yesterday being so aggressive with me! I knew having older siblings would bring some of that out in him, but I didn't anticipate it starting so soon! It is not fun but I have to teach him now because other wise he is gonna be the terror every where we go! haha
  Well I better get to bed! I had a long day going on a field trip with Colin's class, then to Tempe Marketplace to pick up Cessy (she had a sleepover with Grammie. And mom texted me a picture in the morning just like you always used to! It made me smile!) then spent the day *trying* to clean my house and getting a snack for Cubbies tomorrow. I love you much and miss you more!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You and mommy in your younger years! Hot stuff!

These are from the happenings of the week. The Thanksgiving parade at Colin's school, a cool spoon I got Bryan that I know you would appreciate, Cessy and Tobin dancing, Cessy in your spot, and the field trip today. The picture of Owen is what his crazy siblings did to him a few days ago, and the one of Cessy is how she dressed herself...Princess Ballerina!

Sleepless in Chandler

  It has been a rough week (or maybe longer, I lost track) of little to no sleep. We have started introducing more solids into Owen's diet and it is not going well. He doesn't have any allergies per-say but he isn't used to the...poo's it creates so it really aggravates him from about 11pm-4am when he finally able to go then he sleeps fine after that. He hasn't dirtied his diaper in the middle of the night for a while so we feel like we have a newborn all over again! I wish he would go BEFORE bed but for some reason the "urge" hits around 3:30-4am and the hours before it make him really squirmy! "A healthy colon is a happy colon" as you always said, but apparently his isn't doing too great at the moment! hehe Hopefully he adjusts to solids soon and becomes a bit more "regular." Ok, enough of the poo talk, besides that he is doing great, and has totally developed this personality over night! He growls if someone (or a dog) does something he doesn't like, he says, "ticka ticka ticka!" while trying to tickle himself, he sticks his tongue out at you when he is being silly, he is taking steps, he is signing "milk" and "please" all on his own, and is still at the receiving end of Cecily's rough love. We are totally enjoying seeing him become a little person right before our eyes! His likes and dislikes, what excites him, who he favors, etc. 10ish month olds were always your favorite stage so it's sad that you are missing it...but mommy is enjoying it for the both of you!
  I am still in the vicious cycle of "I am ok" "I am NOT ok" "I am ok" "I am NOT ok!" but I guess that is to be expected. My house still looks like a tornado hit it...but I am trying to bring back my old habit of just doing 10 minutes worth of cleaning every hours so at least some things are being accomplished. The holidays approaching are mixed with such different emotions! We are excited for the New Year because it means this horrible one will be OVER but we also meet it with pain and grief that you are not here to celebrate it with us.Thanksgiving is on Thursday and obviously I don't need to say it will be tough. I did however make my first turkey this year...it's for Colin's preschool class on Tuesday. I figured it would be better to give 4 and 5 year olds my first turkey because they won't judge me if it's dry! (Which...it kind of is because Bryan thought I said internal temp of 190 instead of 170...yeeeeaaa. Oh well!). But I bought gravy so they won't even know! haha I am just proud that I did it...ok Bryan may have done most of it because it totally grossed me out but I chopped the veggies to stuff it with and told him what to season it with! That counts for something right?!
  Cecily is currently serving me tea from her tea set while I type this. I told her I was writing to grandpa and she said, "oooh It's grandpa!" She loves looking at pictures of you and she says, "Where did grandpa go?! I don't know!" I am glad her little heart doesn't get it more than she already does because that's a lot for a 2 year old to carry! Last night as we watched a movie together, out of the blue Colin tearfully says as he puts his head in my lap (which you know for Colin is HUGE), "I really miss grandpa and want him back!". It broke my heart! I wish I could make his pain go away...it's not fair for a 4 year old to experience that kind of grief.
  Speaking of grief, this weekend has been another rough one...for no particular reason. I cry almost every minute I am alone...and some when I am not. My friend Julie of course posted a blog which nailed what I needed to hear. I have not been fixing my gaze on Him. To be honest, I have done very little time with God lately. Every time I think to myself I should...my heart becomes so clouded with pain I just can't focus on it. Which is exactly when I SHOULD be spending time with Him. So I asked Bryan to help me be consistent in my quiet times again. I know that is a huge reason why I am feeling so run down...but once you become run down...getting that momentum going is crazy hard! Being a grown up is tough! As a kid I always envied grown ups and how much they could do...now I wish I could go back and have the carefree life of a kid...my daddy was still alive, I could swing on the swing set all day and sing made up praise songs, dance in the living to Carmen with my sisters and play Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen with Melody. Ahhh the good ol days!
  Well I should probably get in bed. After little sleep last night I am really starting to fade! I love you daddy and I miss you more than ever!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Old pics of fun times...oh how I miss you!

"Misery"

It's not as depressing as it sounds...Bryan always jokes that Missouri sounds like misery. This one took a while, sorry! I have been doing a lot...yet not a lot has been accomplished! Fancy that! It's like I have toddlers. hehe Anyhoo....so after our trip to OK we drove to Springfield to see Stacey. The kids were so excited and asked every 5 minutes if we were there yet. The weather was really cold the first day but it warmed up after that so we didn't have to bundle up our thin AZ skin/blood! The first night we went to Kim and Jason's for dinner and got to meet their little girl! She is just a doll and the kiddos had fun playing with their boys. Even though she just had a baby she still made us all dinner...she's awesome! Saturday we went to Silver Dollar City which unfortunately everyone else within 100 miles had the same idea! It was PACKED! But we still had a great time and the kids really enjoyed all the activities, gun shows, and cool little shops. The weather was perfect, the leaves were GORGEOUS and all sorts of colors that I didn't know leaves could turn. I *almost* wouldn't mind living there...except for this pesky thing called snow! Colin was so funny with the train robbery reenactment! It was a total flashback of my childhood and how scared Stacey and I always were with stuff like that. You used to take us on rides knowing we would pee our pants....and at the time I thought you were so mean, but now I totally get the funny factor! Although, I secretly still don't like you for telling us the Pirates of the Caribbean ride had NO drops in it at all...yea it totally does and I almost tossed my cookies while passing out with fear! Anyhow, Cecily became quite attached to Cat-Cat (Cathryn) so they were buddies all weekend. She would help her with Macie including bossing Macie around and tell her "Sit Macie! Dood job Macie!" Owen pretty much just hit his poor head on everything that weekend...he was totally growing, mastering the whole standing by yourself thing, on top of his unusually large head...yea it was bad! He looked like he had been in a street fight...with the coffee table by the time we left. Sunday was our traditional Bass Pro Shop and Lambert's dinner. The kids LOVE the Bass pro shop and spent hours running from vehicle to vehicle trying them all out. Colin preferred the 4-wheelers while Cecily took a liking to the large boats. She got nice and comfy on one and I literally had to drag her off kicking and screaming! She was TERRIFIED of the large taxidermy animals which is funny because last year she thought they were great...this year she was in my arms shaking, crying, and burying her head in my shoulder. Poor girl! I bought the kids the little rubber hook-less fish that we used to have as kids to put in the bathtub. They loved it...except Owen who kept getting them taken away because he was trying to actually eat them. Stacey and I had a fun walk down memory lane looking at all the rubber bait worms. G and G Strunk used to get those for us and we would love to try and gross each other out with them! We used them for playing mountain girls too. Oh to be little again! In between the two outings Stacey took me to a really cool antique shop by her house. It was fun seeing all the antiques there because there were some very different pieces from what you see here. I always assumed all antique places have similar things, but it was a whole different set of stuff! I bought something for myself and something for Candee. How can you go to an antique store and NOT by her anything?! Dinner at Lambert's was delicious as always and we caught lots of rolls! The fried okra was great, and of course the chicken and dumplings was delish! It's a really good thing we have to travel 22 hours to get there or I would probably be obese! Well, there was much more that happened while we were there but since I took so long to write this...I have forgotten. Bummer!
  Today we went to the zoo with Megan and the kiddos and enjoyed the beautiful weather we are finally having! I thought it would wear them out for a nice nap...but I don't know what I was thinking because that never happens! They took short naps so Colin was a crab for Cubbies. But he said his verse and after getting to see Cubbie bear he loosened up a bit!
  I'm having a bit of an emotional setback...no particular reason...just because! Life has gotten overwhelming again which has affected my ability to function. Part of me wishes I could just quit everything and have this whole first year to just..sit...and eat. But I KNOW that is not healthy so I am relying on the Lord's strength to keep me going and to remind me that the pain is only temporary...Heaven is eternal!
  I love you daddy and I miss you so much my house looks like it got hit by a tornado!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Lots of pics again! I will start with the zoo one because it's from today and the one from my girl date with Cecily...the rest are from MO (they are not in order sorry! This blog is hard to arrange photos in!) Oh and notice Colin was not cooperating with getting his picture taken! For some reason he was a punk that whole trip everytime I got the camera out!