Never thought we'd say

Mom and I were discussing how it's easy to nag your spouse on things that drive you crazy, but after losing that person you would do anything to be "irritated" by them! Some things mommy misses: tripping over your size 13 shoes that were scattered all over the house, hearing you pass gas when you sat at the computer, singing and dancing all over the house to very obnoxious made up songs, doing your laundry, cleaning the water spots off the mirror after you brushed your teeth, having to put the toilet seat down when she goes to the restroom, the list goes on! Basically, she misses everything about you! Weston said yesterday, "I miss daddy so much I even miss him farting!" That pretty much sums up how all of us feel! We would give anything to have you back even having to endure your gas! hehe Luckily for Jesus I don't think gas exists in Heaven!
  We are finally back in our house today...9 grand later and we have an all new a/c unit and various other things that were broken, leaking, or about to break. We can't really complain though because it's an old house, we've been here for 5 years, and it was the only repair we've had to do. And when we sell it down the road it will add a lot of value to the house to have a new one. But hearing the total amount was enough to make your eyes pop out of your head! hehe We walked in and were embraced by beautiful cold air! It was lovely! I did feel bad for the tech guys though, they were here for 10+ hours on the hottest weekend so far this summer. You must really love your job to fix/install a/c units in AZ! To kill time we went to Kevin and Charlotte's and ate pizza and swam together. It was fun! Cecily has been rocking an 80's side pony tail today and it made her look a little more like her mommy...a VERY little! I have resigned myself to the fact that my children will never look like me. I just incubate them. I am ok with that though because they are pretty stinken cute! Owen seems like he may have his grandpa's personality. He loves people, loves to laugh, wants to be in the middle of the excitement, and has a love of family. I know he is only 5 months, but I felt during his pregnancy that God would give us a boy for a reason and I now know that reason was to 1) Be able to name him after you. 2) Give us joy during a very rough time. and 3) To remind us of God's faithfulness since his pregnancy was such a tough one for me. God always knows what He is doing! Even we can't see it at the time!
  I was watching a movie with Candee last night and one of the characters lost her mother. It hit me like a ton of bricks...I have lost a parent! Growing up I always watched movies where someone lost a parent and it was like, "Oh yea, that's sad." and that was the end of it. Even though it was just a movie, I find myself so much more aware of all the hurting people around me. I never expected to be one of "those people" who lost a parent at a pretty young age...but here I am. I have such a strong sense of sympathy and ache for those around me when I hear of some one who lost a parent. Something I know God will use down the road since He always uses our testimony to help those around us! He has used my loss of Geoffrey to connect with other hurting mom's so I am confident this will be another way that I can minister to those around me!
  Well after being gone for 4 days my house is in desperate need of my attention! Missing you much today and longing for Heaven even more!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

A would have been

We started the day off by waking up at 9:30am with Colin singing "I like to move it move it" and eating breakfast at Grammie Candee's. Then I took the kids to the mall and they played in the play area. Yes, you heard that right! The germ-a-phob let them play on a public play area! I did sanitize hands as soon as they got out! Then we walked around and got smoothies. It's hard trying to kill time in 110+ degree heat when you can't go home! I took the kids back to the Spears and we all napped. Colin fell off the bed and I wish I had my camera to take a picture because it was HILARIOUS how he ended up wedged in between the wall and  bed. He didn't find it so funny and it took a while to get the grump out of him!
Today would have been your 27 year anniversary with mommy! She spent the day approving your headstone, doing SS stuff, and going to Costco by herself which was always your Friday night date. Not at all how any wife wants to spend her anniversary! But she bore it well! I know inside she is grieving but she is holding it together for us. I had always imagined you and mom at a wedding 30 years from now being the couple that was married the longest for the anniversary dance. 27 years doesn't seem like long enough, yet I know some people aren't even given that long. As you know it's me and Bryan's anniversary too but with everything going on we just didn't feel like making a big deal out of it this year so we are keeping it low key. In fact it crept up on me and it was noon before I realized via text from Bryan that it was our anniversary! I am not doing a very good job at being an attentive wife at the moment, but I am slowly getting back to normal. Mattie Schuller, Maddie Schuller, and Tobin made spaghetti and meatballs with bread and salad. It was all delicious but I have a feeling the banquet table you are at is far better! We had a funny moment during dinner....Walgreens called to tell me that "Wayne Anderon's prescription was ready to pick up" I was surprised that mom hadn't taken care of that yet but with everything going I figured she just forgot. So I informed them that you had passed away and he said rather flustered, "Oh, I am so sorry! I will cancel it!" I hang up the phone and Wayne Jr. says, "Hey that was MY prescription!" I had no idea that he had dropped one off and assumed it was yours! So I had to call back and tell them my mistake so Wayne could get his prescription! I will have to get used to people calling him Wayne and not Wayne Jr! hehe We all got a good laugh out of it even though it was sad for us that it meant you are no longer here.
  Mommy then took Curly on errands with her...yes you heard that right, she took Curly on errands! She is quite attached to the little nipper and Curly loves her too! Curly reminds us so much of you! She is very playful, extroverted, and LOVES people! God knew exactly which dog to give us! We have all become the dog lovers we never thought we would become. Later on mommy and Owen looked at cruises. She asked Owen if he'd like to join her and he was very excited looking at the magazine! I think he'll make a great traveling buddy! So all in all today went pretty well despite it being a difficult date. Miss you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Cecily at the mall

Uneventful

Today was pretty uneventful. Stayed last night at your house since our air is out. Colin slept with mommy since she was lonely and he wanted to watch Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin. She said he only woke up a few times talking in his sleep...much better than the last time you slept on the couch with him and he did it all night! I did not sleep well at all though! I finally was able to fall asleep at 3am, then was woken up at 5am by mommy taking Curly out so I went into Tobin's room and slept on her bed. You'd think I would sleep well since I used to live there but I guess it's not my house anymore because I wasn't feeling at home. hehe A lady came and trimmed Curly up all cute and put a pink Princess bow on her neck. She did NOT like the bow and was doing somersaults trying to get it off. It was quite funny! Then while she took care of all the SS stuff I took the kiddos and Weston to Chik-Fil-A and Wal-Mart. I don't know what I was thinking because it was a terrible trip! They do not like the heat and were complaining the whole time! Just imagine Princess Cecily grabbing at my legs making me unable to walk to the store while holding Owen and trying to keep Weston and Colin from killing eachother. Poor Weston is quite Colin-ed out. Next week I am going to keep the kiddos away for a bit to give the poor guy a break. He has had them in his space for almost 2 months now on an almost daily basis and has been very patient! It takes a lot for him to lose it with his nephew but the other day he slammed Colin against the foot board of his bed in frustration when Colin wrecked his Legos. I couldn't even get upset at him because he has been very flexible with letting them terrorize his things!
  Mommy has been a champ at doing all the legal stuff. Let's face it, sitting at the SS office is about as much fun as going to Wal-Mart. Her feisty side is coming out though and she put the lady in her place when she was giving her a hard time. You'd be proud! hehe She was trying all day to get some Colin love but true to himself he wasn't really having it. I got a picture of her holding him down to get one...it didn't last long!
  Owen is sitting up really well now and only really falls over when his older siblings play "Be healed" on his forehead. Cecily thinks it's a really fun game and poor Owen has hit his head way too many times! But I have learned that a pillow is a must even on carpet!
  Well it's time to get the kiddos to bed. Hope you enjoyed hearing our boring day! We love and miss you!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Curly's new do

Wednesday Woes

It finally happened...our air conditioner broke. Yet another reminder that you aren't here...I would have called you right away to ask if you had anyone you recommended but instead we had to go on Angie's List. Helpful, but not quite the same as you! It seems so bizarre to me still that I can't just call you when I have a question. You are probably enjoying the break though. hehe Just wait til I get there...then there will be MANY MANY more! Mommy is letting us stay here tonight and tomorrow we will stay at the Spears. I feel so blessed that we don't have to do a hotel for 3 nights with little kids! God always provides! So we have spent all day at your house. I took Weston and Colin for haircuts and they are looking sharp now! Colin told me today that "He is so thirsty he hates this planet!" haha Still as dramatic as ever! Curly and him are still potty training and both even went in their designated areas at the same time! Colin congratulated her on her accomplishment. Then later on she had an accident in her kennel and he said, "Curly you aren't supposed to poop inside! You go outside!" We all found it hilarious that he was scolding her for something he does daily...having an accident! I told him to pull the plank out of his own eye before he tries to get the speck out of hers. He didn't quite get it..but it was funny none-the-less. Mattie made chicken wings as a haboob rolled in. We enjoyed eating dinner while watching the storm through the big windows. Colin of course freaked out when he saw the lightening and said he "hates the world when there is lightening" and asked the "sun to please come back". He's quite the character! Cecily is just your typical crazy girl these days. She loves the slack-line, jumping on the couch when not supposed to, letting Curly out of her kennel when grammie tells her not to, trying to get food out of the fridge by herself, and my all time favorite going outside without anyone being aware of it and giving me a heart attack! I am hoping we can train that out of her quick because it scares me! Last night when we were leaving she heard us saying goodbyes and apparently took that as a cue to leave and we couldn't find her anywhere...turned out she was already standing by the van! She is gonna be the one who gives me gray hairs like I did to you and mom! hehe
  Mommy has been taking care of all the legal stuff this week. It is such a challenge and very time consuming but she is doing her best and I am beyond proud of her! I had no idea how complicated it was when someone dies so Bryan and I are now getting our affairs in order in the event that something happens to one of us. I told mom that she isn't allowed to die anytime soon, no matter how much she wants to see you again! I told her that I let you be, but I WILL pray her back from the dead because I don't care how much she is enjoying Jesus' presence or seeing you, I need here with me! She got a good chuckle...but I don't think she realizes that I am serious! hehe Speaking of mommy, when putting Curly to bed tonight she shocked me with her orders to Dorothy. She told her to put her in the kennel in her closet, tear off a doggie treat to give her, then turn the music on low. Really?! Did you ever think mom would serenade a dog to sleep?! The other night when I went to leave I found her laying next to the kennel to put Curly down because she was lonely. Oh man! I know God has a plan for taking you but mom REALLY needs you! haha Well it's bath time for the kiddos. I love you daddy and we all miss you like crazy! Dust storms, chicken wings, and dog poop just aren't the same without you here!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Not cool

Today was one of those days that I have to admit I was not happy that you are gone. I am not angry at God, but I may have a few words with Him when I get there. hehe I don't feel ready to let you go...but when is anyone ever READY to let a loved one go and when do we ever have the CHOICE if it happens in the first place? I watched Everybody Loves Raymond today and usually it makes me laugh but today I found it upsetting me since it was one of your favorites and we have so many jokes about the similarities between you two. Needless to say, I turned it off. Then I realized that I had packages to mail which usually I gave to you to ship from the office because it's hard taking all 3 kids to the post office...but you left me with no choice but to do it myself! Not cool! It's such a depressing realization to think of all the things that you helped me with and now you are no longer able. I was so blessed by all you did for us and wish I hadn't taken that for granted! And I also have a bone to pick with you along the lines of cleaning...I told you 2 weeks before you died that I was only cleaning your floors until July then you had to be back on your feet to do it...now you're up in heaven worshiping Jesus and i'm still cleaning your floors! Not cool! hehe
  I gave your Tahoe a little attention today and drove it to a birthday dinner for Tamara. I got in it and immediately started crying because the last time I was in it the two of us were going to Costco together. I sat there and thought back (corny I know) to all the times that we went places together. I loved our Costco dates, trips to pick up dinner, etc. It hurts so much to know that I will never get to do those things with you again! I am grateful for the times that I did have to spend with you but was anticipating many more. But reality+expectations=disappointment and I am honestly disappointed that I won't have any more daddy dates with you! Even at 24 I loved my dates with you even if they were errands or grown up things! Just being with you, talking, and getting advice was the best thing a daughter could ask for! I also had a bittersweet moment walking past the Hale Theatre and seeing the play they are currently doing...To Kill a Mockingbird. Always one of my favorite stories of you growing up!
  Owen is fussing again...his teeth need to come in already! I miss you more each day and love you like never before!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Here I am driving your Tahoe...I was very gentle with her!

New perspectives

Today was a day of more difficult memories and reminders. I guess it's a good thing I have so many great memories and reminders of you because not every daughter can say that about their dad. You were the best! I had you wrapped around my finger! Hehe I remember all the orthodontist appointments that I cried my way out of when I wanted to do a sleepover instead. You couldn't resist your girls when we cried! Sorry for taking advantage of that! I want you back so bad it hurts! I keep thinking that I will wake up and this will all be a nightmare! I don't know when this will feel real but I almost dread that day. I am going to visit your grave this week for the first time since fathers day. It seems so surreal that in order to "see" you I have to go to a grave. I hope it gets easier with time! One good thing that has come from this is a whole different perspective on how to help others who have gone or will go through a similar experience. I now know what is helpful to say and what only makes your heart bleed more. As much as I wish I never had to walk this road, like all the other experiences God has given me I know He will use this to glorify Himself. And maybe even use me to help others! Well your grandson won't go to sleep so I gotta go rock him! I love you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Me and Owen at 1:15am...he was wide awake and very hyper!

Sunday Sadness

I should have known better than to wear make up today. I hadn't worn it in almost 2 weeks because of all the random crying but I had been doing so good the last few days that I thought it would be ok. Maybe it was because I was wearing it I don't know but I walked into your room and just lost it. I saw your side of the bed untouched in almost 2 weeks, the pictures that I framed mommy from your funeral, your wedding band sitting on mommy's jewelry box, your clothes all hung up just where you left them in the closet and I couldn't handle it. Colin came in and gave me a hug and told me not to cry. He then saw a picture of you sitting on the desk and said, "When my grandpa Wayne died I cried...but he always told me not to cry so I stopped." I told him that you wouldn't mind him crying when he missed you. He must be remembering all those times that he would cry when he was being emotional and you told him to stop! hehe I also came across what I think is the last picture I have of you holding Owen. It is on your couch and you are looking at him with such love and pride! I know Owen Wayne has big shoes to fill but he already has his grandpas love of people so he's well on his way! When we got to the house mommy wasn't there so we had to let Curly out and she was so excited to see us! She flew out of the cage and ran all over licking toes and happily kissing the kiddos. Cecily adores her and just follows her around saying, "Come here Curly!" but of course Curly doesn't listen. Curly is so much fun though and even your Mattie who hates dogs has come to love her! She bounces around the house and brings such a light spirit. God knew we needed her! We almost lost her to an owl this morning but mommy scooped her up and ran inside before she became a Curly fry snack. That owl would have been very disappointed with how little meat she has on her! She is all fluff!
  This week will finally slow down and I am looking forward to less stuff going on. Mommy has a busy week though doing all the fun grown up stuff. Social security, insurance, bills, etc. She is a strong woman and has God's help but I know she misses her love so very much! I will always remember the smile on her face when you came home from work! Bryan says that I am more devastated losing my dad than I would have been if it was him but I told him that wasn't true. But between you and me...he might be right! hehehe I love you daddy! Oh and my friend Beth lost her baby today, be looking for him/her so you can show him/her around and give lots of grandpa love!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
It's blurry but I took this picture for you of Curly giving Colin kisses tonight!

No orphans of God

Today was a full Saturday! I woke up at 10am (thanks to Bryan for letting me sleep in after being up a lot with Owen) then got ready and left to go antiquing with Candee and Melissa. We found some fun stuff and enjoyed catching up. I bought a box that has the words to the song It Is Well With My Soul on it. I have played that song so many times during your battle and I thought it a fitting box to put the keepsakes I have of yours in. I want to have something to show the kids as they grow up so they don't forget their amazing grandpa! While we were there though I kept seeing things that reminded me of you which was difficult at times. I know eventually it won't be as hard to see reminders of you but i'm not there yet and it's still painful. Later on in the evening I went and had tea with Lauren and enjoyed talking with her. She was telling me about a friend back home who only 2 days after you passed away she lost her daddy to a drunk driver. She had already lost her mother to cancer a few years back and my heart just broke for her and her family!! She still has little siblings at home too and I just can't imagine being young and orphaned. Immediately the song "Orphans of God" came to mind and I was encouraged by the words "There are no orphans of God." He never leaves us and He never forsakes us even in our darkest moments! We got on the topic of how it's difficult to trust that God knows what he is doing when stuff like this happens. How can God think it's a good thing to take both their parents while they still have kids to raise? How can God think it's the best plan to take you away from us while you have young children who desperately need a daddy?" I can't honestly say I have the answer to that. At this point I still don't know how it can be the best plan but that doesn't mean that I don't trust that he HAS a plan and that it IS for the best. I may not see the best from where I am now, but I know as time goes I will see what the plan is either in this life or the next.
  Well, your extrovert has reached her burn out. I am so peopled out and I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I can't even cry anymore when I think about you being gone because I am so worn out from the pain. I have watched your slideshow over and over and all I keep thinking is "He won't ever get to add anymore pictures to it". Totally depressing! The words "he is gone!" have been echoing in my head all day. You have only been in heaven for a week and a half and it feels like yesterday and an eternity all at the same time! Colin was asking to play with Grandpa Wayne all day so we took him over to play with Grandpa Jack so that he could get some grandpa time in. They had fun and Jack wore him out and visa versa. He will always miss his Grandpa Wayne but I am so thankful to have Grandpa Jack close for him to grow up with!
  Your little Owen is on my lap and your oldest grand kids are up at 11:20pm in their beds reading books. Life is carrying on...and yet standing still all at the same time! I miss you more and more each day! Come Lord Jesus, Come!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Live for the next one

We had your memorial tonight. So many people from all parts of your life came to honor and remember you. It was a beautiful service even though your grandsons both pooped their pants during it and had to leave! hehe But the part that I was able to see was just perfect! It was such a reflection of Jesus and because you strived to be like Him it was a reflection of you. I have always been proud of you as a father, but I am even more proud of you now! You truly were a phenomenal man! Your girls all danced to Blessings and it was healing for me (and we made everyone cry!). I imagined you up in heaven worshiping your Jesus and dancing for Him while we danced here. I did mess up sorry, even though i'm an Anderson, I am only half Anderson so i'm not perfect! hehe One quote Mark read that you told him and I had never heard before but now LOVE! "Life is uncertain...live for the next one." It is amazingly true! This life has NO guarantees...I could meet you in heaven tomorrow, but one thing we do know is that Heaven will be for eternity! As painful as this experience has been I am in awe of how many lessons God has taught me through it. I knew there were lessons to be learned, but He has taught me so much more than I ever though possible! And it isn't just a "log that away" it's a real, tangible, jaw-dropping lesson! One thing that has hit me this week is the one chorus of the song that we danced to, "The pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." Oh how true that is! The pain I am experiencing has reminded me daily that this isn't my home. It's only temporary. The pain and the longing to see you again is because my heart knows where it's home is, heaven. Now that the memorial service is over life will calm down a bit. To be honest I am nervous about moving on. Part of me still wants to cling to this time because life continuing on feels so final. It makes it real that we won't see you ever again here on earth. My head is still spinning and all of this feels unreal. Did we really bury you? Did we really have a memorial service for our dad? Do we really have to celebrate your birthday coming up without you here? You know i've been working on not using the word "sucks" but I am sorry daddy, this whole things sucks big time!
  When we got in the car to leave, yet again Colin said that he wanted his grandpa Wayne back. I still haven't gotten used to hearing him say that. This has rocked his little 3 year old world! I told mom a Wayne-ism yesterday that I was experiencing. "Expectations+Reality=Disappointment". Why did that come to mind? Because I had always EXPECTED you to live a long life. I always EXPECTED to see my daddy grow old together with my mommy. I EXPECTED that you would see grandkids grow up and maybe even great grandkids...but then reality hit...and so did the disappointment. I am daily battling feelings of disappointment that you won't be there for any of the things I expected.We never got to send you on that trip through Napa Valley...or go to Knottsberry farm one last time this summer. All things I expected and didn't happen. Even though I have those feelings of disappointment I know that even still God is faithful. His ways are not ours and His plans are sometimes different than are's but He is the one orchestrating all this together for good. I may not know what that good is until I get to heaven, but I am trusting in the One who knows why this happened and knows my heart. I love you daddy! Thank you for living an incredible God honoring life!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You holding me when I was a newborn. I know you always said I was adopted but I look and act just like you!

Eyes towards Heaven

All your girls practiced our dance for tomorrow night. It is very emotional for us because it's a song that you loved and the words are right where we are at! "What if Your blessings comes through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? And What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know Your near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" I can honestly say that this trial after only a week has changed and shaped my life in more ways that I could have ever imagined! I have learned, even though I knew it in my head, that life can change in an instant. We never know what tomorrow will hold so we need to live each day with the kingdom in mind. Looking back at your life, everyday you were reaching people with the gospel in even the little things. You never ceased to give of your time, money, and energy to help those around you. Even people that you weren't necessarily close to or that in some one else mind didn't "deserved" it. I pray that I can carry on that legacy and continue to be the servant that you were. You were pretty stinken incredible and it was all because of Jesus in your life! You let Him be your example and you did your best to follow it! The other thing this experience has put in me is a new sense of excitement for Heaven. Don't get me wrong, I have always been anxious to meet Jesus, but now I long for it even more so that I can be reunited with you! It will be such a glorious day when our family is back together with no more tears and no more pain!
   Tobin wrote down a bunch of Wayne-isms and we had fun laughing at them and realizing that you did have some pretty deep thoughts in spite of your silly side. Mommy then got a little sad when she asked what Cindy-isms she had and all we could come up with were "Do your school." "Quit fighting with your sister" or "All I want for my birthday is a clean house and no fighting." I told her that her legacy is that of a tender heart, a plethora of wisdom, and like you-her love of Christ. As much as she liked those things, she was still a little upset that she wasn't known for any funny sayings. So I told her she needs to start now so that in 40+ years when she meets up with you on those streets of gold she can have plenty of funny Cindy-isms for us to remember. Somehow I am not sure if that will happen since sarcasm isn't really mommy's thing and I don't see her starting now!  But that's why we love her!
  The kids had a fun afternoon swimming and enjoying the warm weather. It's not quite the same without you but we are doing our best to still have fun and enjoy each other. Colin keeps telling me that you are with Jesus until you stop throwing up then you will come back. He hasn't really grasped what has happened yet, he just knows that he really misses you! Cecily is still convinced that you are sleeping somewhere...which she is correct to an extent. The Bible does refer to the dead as sleeping! hehe
  This may sound strange to you but one way I have found myself coping is that throughout my day I imagine what you might be doing in heaven at that "moment". Talking with Jesus, other friends and family that have gone before, touring your new castle, eating at the banquet table, and lots of worshiping at Jesus feet! I told mom it is weird to think about the fact that you are living a whole different life without us. I am pretty jealous but I know my day will come! Until then I will do my best to further the kingdom down here and to honor Jesus in the calling that He has given me! I love you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Bittersweet reminders

Today has been a day of constant little reminders of you. It started with doing laundry...I was pulling shirts out of the hamper and came to the shirt that I wore the last time I saw you alive. Oddly, it was my Like Life shirt. I smelled it to see if it had your smell on it but all I got was Bryan's BO. hehe Then as I was putting laundry away I saw a few shirts hanging up that you bought me over the years including the most recent Coldwater Creek one that you got me after I had Owen. That one will always have a special place in my heart. Then as I was cleaning out some stuff in our garage I found a can of paint with Wayne Anderson sharpied across the top. And the one that finally broke me down...listening to my ipod in the car and the song that we danced to at my wedding for our Father/Daughter dance came on. I started crying and Colin was quick to try to comfort me. My mind quickly started thinking about how blessed I am that I actually have that moment with my daddy. Stacey, Tobin, and Dorothy will never get to have a Father/Daughter dance with you. It seems so unfair...but as you always said, life isn't fair. I am trying to come to terms with that! So many things in this seem unfair. Cecily walked into your room and saw a pile of blankets on your side of the bed and said, "Oh  grandpa is sleeping!" Mommy told her no that you were with Jesus, she then proceeded to look in the crack of the bed and said, "Oh here he is!" She misses her bampa!
  Stacey and I had a chat in the car today and we both said that it's easy to think that God taking you home was the best decision for YOU but we aren't at the place yet where we feel like it was the best decision for US. Another Wayne-ism, it all boils to selfishness. Sorry daddy, but we feel like being selfish right now! hehe  We do know though that your heavenly healing was far better than an earthly one, it's just hard to feel that way sometimes when we really miss you!
  I finished your slideshow for the memorial service. I don't think there will be a dry eye in the place! We are excited to celebrate your life and to share with everyone there what an amazing man you were...even though everyone coming already knows that! I added pics to your slideshow as well as some new music. It was really fun to see your baby pics and see how much Wayne and Weston look like you. They may end up getting lots of extra hugs and kisses when I miss you!
  I will leave you with a shocking story about Curly. Mom has been making her home-made dog food and letting her up on your bed! Did you ever think that day would come?!?! I sure didn't! She is the sweetest little puppy and has been great medicine for grieving hearts! I love you and miss you!
  Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Dancing for Grandpa

Tonight Stacey and Cathryn taught us the dance that we are doing for your memorial on Friday. I didn't realize how out of shape I was until I tried doing a lunge...yea that hurt! We did a few of your signature dance moves in honor of you, but mommy said we shouldn't add those to the dance since no one would understand them. I thought maybe doing a montage of some of your classic songs would be fun but again mommy disagreed since they aren't "church appropriate." hehe The one sad thing that happened today was while we were dancing Cecily came running in to join us. I asked her if she wanted to dance for grandpa too and she gave an enthusiastic YES and ran into your room...it took me a moment to realize what she was doing. She was looking for you! I cried a little realizing that she will never get to show you her dancing here on earth again. It even made mommy tear up.
   I looked through your phone tonight to see all the goofy pics you had taken of yourself! Some of them were pretty strange but I know there is some hidden joke in them! Pam was able to fill me in on some of them, it brought a smile to my face because our sense of humor is so similar! I am trying to make you proud and carry on that sarcastic torch!
  At this moment one week ago is when I got the call that I will never forget. "You need to come to the house, daddy's breathing has changed and he doesn't have much longer." We raced to get clothes put on and kids loaded up in the car. When we got there your breathing was very labored. We all hyper-ventilated a little watching you breathe and trying to breathe for you. It was so hard watching you like that but yet the look on your face was so peaceful. I think your spirit was already joining the heavenly realm. I was so proud of Gabby! While the rest of us had to go in and out in order to avoid a nervous break down she sat next to you the entire time and had her hand on your leg. She was incredibly strong!! Then when we knew your time was drawing to a close mommy put her arms around you so that she could usher you home. That moment forever changed me! Even as she watched her husband die she had a peace about her! She just watched you, held your hand, and whispered things your ear. As you already know, she is an amazing lady! God had her swimming in grace at that moment and has continued to lavish us with His grace ever since! Not a moment goes by that I can't feel His grace and peace surrounding me. It's truly incredible and even though this is the hardest path He has ever asked me to walk, the closeness I have felt to my Jesus has made it worth it! I love you and miss you even more as time goes on!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
(this picture was particularly funny to me. I guess Pam sent you a picture of herself with medical stuff attached to her head and so you sent her this picture. A true Wayne classic! I know you are up there making everyone laugh like you did here on earth!)

New normal

Tonight we went over to your house and had dinner, made by Candee. We all gathered around the table to eat and it had a sad moment for me. When mommy asked Weston to pray over it my heart dropped a little...that was your job yet you weren't there to do it. I remember you always saying, "Are you ready to pray? Let's pray." We would always giggle at you because you said it the same way every night for as long as I can remember. Oh how I wish I had recorded it so I could play it over and over. It's still fresh in my memory yet I know it will fade over time. Pam said something today that I related with, she said she never wanted to stop missing you but she wanted it to hurt less. I am so there! I will always miss you but wonder when or if it will ever hurt less. My heart is still bleeding but I pray over time it will heal and the memories won't hurt like they do now.
  After dinner we decided to go over to the Hobart house for a movie night. It was a fun little distraction for all of us. Stacey made cookies and Mattie made her popcorn drizzled with white chocolate and M & Ms. We watched Fletch and it gave lots of laughs. Although we had forgotten that it had to do with a guy pretending he had cancer so that kinda stung a little for all of us. But we still enjoyed the evening. Weston true to himself got tired and insisted that he needed to go home and go to bed so we left before the movie ended to take him and mommy home. He is a funny little guy! Most kids would love staying up past bedtime but for him it's torture! He asked mommy if he could sleep with her tonight and how could she say no?! Dorothy was having a hard night and crying quite a bit so we took her home with us for a little sleepover and shopping tomorrow. She hasn't had time to think about you or miss you with Colin talking her ear off! hehe I can't imagine what she is feeling right now! Losing your daddy at only 11 years old is just devastating! I know I can't fill the role of daddy but I am trying to help her and to guide her through her sadness and grief the best that I know how.
  We were discussing your memorial service today and decided that we would request people wear orange or another bright color in honor of you. You always loved the bright polos...I think it's because you liked to stick out in the crowd. Like you needed a bright shirt to do that?! :-) You always attracted people with your outgoing nature, tender heart, and how genuine you were in wanting to get to know them. One of a thousand reasons I love you so much! You made everyone around you feel loved and wanted!
  You would be so proud of your little Owie. Today he sat up for the first time with no help! He really wanted the popcorn in front of him and just sat there staring at it drooling. He has grown up so much even in the last week. Mommy got Colin a cool potty seat for her house because she is bound and determined to help me potty train him. He went on it twice while we were there and stayed dry!! She thinks this may do the trick but I have my doubts...normally it's exciting for him for a week or so then he's over it and stops caring. But hey, I'll give it a shot!
  We are all trying to figure out this new normal. Wayne is driving himself to the ortho tomorrow while mommy and Stacey go do the memorial stuff. I know that life must continue on after losing a loved one but it seems so surreal. A week ago I could still give you a kiss and tell you I love you and now I have to write it in a blog. I do feel cheated in that before you passed away you really weren't your normal self anyways. It has been 2 months since you were up doing things, working, laughing, doing yard work, etc. Then you starting not feeling well and it was all down hill. We never saw it coming or we would have enjoyed the time we had with you so much more! But it has taught me that we just can't take each other for granted. Here today, gone tomorrow. We have to live each day purposefully because we never know when it will be our last. Love each other unconditionally, capture memories, and not get caught up in the little things that just don't matter! I wish I had been more intentional in the months leading up to April but I can't dwell on that. There is nothing I can do about it now so there is no use being upset about it! My brain knows it but my heart is still catching up. So many things going through my mind tonight! I guess i'll stop and get some sleep. I love you daddy! Enjoy that big banquet table now that you can eat and not get sick! I wonder if they have Cafe Posada in Heaven?! :-)
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Father's Day

I made it through my first Father's Day without you here. I woke up feeling sorry for myself...then after some prayer I realized that I was being selfish. You are having the BEST Father's Day you have ever had!!! You are with your Heavenly Father being lavished with love and free of pain! You were an amazing example of what our Heavenly Father is like while you were here on earth. I can't tell you enough how grateful I am for all you did for us! You provided, protected, corrected, guided, and showed us Christ! The testimonies that people shared about you in church today were so true of you! I found myself smiling instead of crying because I was so proud to have you for a dad! Not everyone can say that about their dad!
  This last week has been sooo difficult, but yet every moment I have dreaded I have found grace overflowing in that moment! God has been so faithful to us. I don't know how people handle this type of grief without the precious love and grace of Jesus. We have the hope and peace that we will see you again! Since you went to be with Jesus I have had many questions about the events leading up to it. Why would I have heard from the Lord that you would be healed if He was going to take you? I have wrestled with the Lord over that and realized that you were healed. Was it here on earth? No. But none-the-less you are healed...you are perfect! I so badly wish it had been an earthly healing but yet I know that the healing you experienced was far better than being healed here on earth. It sucks (yes I said sucks) to not have you here and my heart hurts every time I think about it, but the grace comes and I am ok. Pastor John said something today that I found so true. He said that having the answers to the "why?" wouldn't make it any less painful. He is right! Knowing why the Lord took you home so soon wouldn't make my heart bleed any less. In fact, it may lead to more questions. So I am learning to just rest in the knowledge that He didn't fall off His throne when you passed away. He knew all along that you would go, and He has a perfect plan for it even if we don't know what that is until we get to heaven.
  To celebrate you we went to Cafe Posada for lunch. When we told the owner and his wife they were just devastated! He said that she went into the back and bawled. Even people who you only came in contact with once or so a week loved you! We then went to your grave and released balloons with messages on them for you. It was a sweet time even though everyone was complaining it was really hot! I found I didn't mind the heat because I was close to you. I have a feeling I will be visiting your grave a lot! (Bryan isn't going to like how much gas I will use doing so!) I felt bad though because Dorothy's ran right into a tree and popped. She held back tears but I could tell she was upset that hers didn't float away like the rest of us. We were able to get the note off of it and just stuck it on your grave. We are thinking about having the PW guys make you a pretty bench to put at your grave so that we can "sit" on you! :-)
  Colin is still asking for you to come back when you are feeling better and it breaks my heart every time. I find myself walking towards your room at the house to say good-bye to you when we leave, only to realize that your side of the bed is empty. Tonight I sat there for a moment and had a little cry. I have been meaning to get one of your shirts out of the closet to put on my pillow but I keep forgetting until I am already gone. We all agree though that they don't smell like you...which makes us sad. I am going to take all your old shirts and turn them into a quilt for mom so that she can "wrap" herself up you when she misses you. I have a feeling she will use it a lot! I hope (ok I know) you enjoyed your first Father's Day in heaven!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Final Good-byes cnt'd

Last night as Colin was going to bed he asked if we could go back to the "mineral" home to see grandpa Wayne. I told him we would go in the morning which finally put that to rest. Well as we were lowering your casket into the ground, he sadly asked, "when grandpa feels better is he going to come out?" it broke my heart for him! The whole rest of the day he just keeps asking to have grandpa Wayne back. It's killing me! You mean so much to him and were such an awesome grandpa! As we went to walk away from the lowered casket I told cecily to say good bye one last time and it went something like this, "bye drandpa, wuv you!" and she blew you a kiss! Just like she always did when she left your house. I don't know when she will understand what happened, but I am praying for lots of grace for the kids. Everyone keeps remarking how strong I am, and I don't know who they see because i'm a mess! I haven't even worn make up in weeks! Hehe tomorrow will be our first time going to church since you went home and to be honest I'm anxious about it. I know I will cry a lot and hearing everyone share stories about you is going to make me miss you even more! But it's part of the healing process so I will get through it with Gods grace! I love you more and more! In the words of pastor John, you showed us how to live a godly life, and how to die a godly death! Your favorite second born,
Carley

Final Good-byes

Your funeral service was today. It was such a love/hate thing for me. I was dreading the finality of it...but ready to celebrate your life while you were here. I hated the last time I got to kiss your forehead before they closed the casket. I can't believe that was the last time that I will see your face on this side of heaven. I have thousands of more kisses and hugs to give you but now they'll have to wait til I meet you again in heaven. I hear people talk about you in past tense and internally my heart sinks to my stomach. How can you be gone?! Just 6 weeks ago we were going to lunch after church to Cafe Posada, you were holding Owen, teasing Colin, and consoling your little princess Cecily when her brother was mean to her or daddy told her no. Those seem to long ago yet like they were yesterday. I miss your big booming voice echoing through the house as you cleaned or just played around with us. I come to your house and expect to hear it....and nothing. You are gone. In the words of Colin, "How did that happen?!" Pastor John made a comment today that it would seem unreal for a little while before reality set in and that is exactly how I feel. It is unreal. My mind has not grasped what has happened. *sigh* Back to your service. It was a beautiful time with family and friends! Weston said the verse that he shared with you everynight for the last few months. Isaiah 41:10, "Do not fear for I am with you. Do not anxiously look about you. For I am your God I will strengthen you. Surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my mighty right hand." Mommy also shocked people and shared the poem you love by Robert Browning. I will say this again, she is amazing! She is bearing this burden with grace and the with love of Christ! People who shared stories and memories about you were Grandpa and Grandma Strunk, Ms Doreen, Sharon Salvatore, Mark Koglmeier, Rick Cottle, Joe Farinella, Pam, and myself (yes I did it. It was so hard to get up there but there stories that I just had to share to make everyone giggle!) I shared about how you would put us to bed when we were little by pretending to be a charismatic preacher and you'd knock our foreheads back with the palm of your hand and say, "Be healed!". We thought that was hilarious and you'd usually have to do it 2 or 3x for each of us! I also shared your cheating side...in board games that is! I still know you didn't win that game of Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego fair and square! :-) You made my childhood so fun and joyful! You know you had a great dad when you have more memories of fun things you did than you can even begin to list off! I feel so spoiled that God gave you to me! I wish I had you longer...but alas God is on the throne, and I am not. His plan in this is perfect and I can't let myself doubt that! We sang some of your favorite songs, including In Christ Alone. It has so much more meaning to me now! Especially the last part, Til He Returns or Calls me home Here in the power of Christ I stand. It really is only by the power of Christ that I can stand. I was up most of the night last night dreading today...yet when the time came...so did the grace and the power of Christ. I could stand, I could rejoice, and I could look forward to heaven with even more anticipation! I love you daddy!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Late night aches

I'm writing to you twice today...I just really miss you! It feels like you're just on a business trip and that we'll see you again soon but reality hits and so do the emotions! I just can't wrap my mind around not seeing you again. I long for a big daddy hug or to hear you come into the door and say, "woman of my house!" when you got home from work! Every time I pull up to your house I see your Tahoe in the driveway and have a brief moment of "daddy's home!!" only to remember you aren't there. I think of your car racing down the street while you chat on your phone. I'm trying so hard to be strong but this is beyond anything I've ever experienced! I shouldn't let my mind wander but I find myself looking into the future and imagining family trips, holidays, births of grandkids, and visiting you at work and I can't help but feel overwhelmed with grief that you won't be there! I went to the mall tonight and saw a daddy shopping with his kids and I couldn't help but feel cheated. I never imagined I would lose my daddy at only 24 but I feel even more devastated for Weston, Dorothy, Wayne, and Tobin because they wont get to have you there guiding them as they grow up like I did. It breaks my heart for them! Your 27th anniversary is coming up and I know it'll be hard for mom. I've already thought of lots of ways to spoil her on that day just like you would have if you were here!
  Tomorrow is your funeral. I'm not ready to bury you, but like it or not, it must be done! Colin keeps asking to go back to the funeral home so he can see you. I don't think he's going to like it when we bury you and he can't see or touch you. He's handling it much better than I expected but I can tell he's really sad. We all miss you like crazy!!! I guess I should go to bed since tomorrow will be a long day. I love you daddy!
Your favorite second born,
 Carley

Sweetly Sleeping

Today was your viewing. I went into it with a lot of emotion, knowing it would be tough! I had friends pray for me and I know that they did because when we walked in, peace flooded over me. I shed many tears but I was at peace. I will be honest, part of me really really wanted to pray you back to life (hey it can happen!) but when I saw how peaceful you looked and imagined the joy you are experiencing in heaven, I just couldn't do that to you! The last month of your life you were trapped in a failing body and I wouldn't put you through that again just to have you back! You were so miserable in your final days that seeing your body here and knowing your soul was with Jesus was the best feeling! You are home! They did a great job at making you look "normal." Though, we all thought they should have had you with your eyes half open to make it more life-like. hehehe We picked out some of your favorite clothes, including your Kohl Han (sp?) shoes! You look very handsome!!! You would be proud of us, we were very brave and even though we all miss you we couldn't stop talking about how happy we were for you to be with your Jesus! The hardest part was when Colin grabbed your hand and then with tears streaming down his face said, "But I want my grandpa back!" I had held my composure very well until that point...then I lost it! We explained to him that what was in the casket was just your body but that you are very much alive in heaven and he would see you again. I teased him that when he got to heaven you two could have banana peel fights again! He got a big Colin grin and said, "and ice too!" Shortly after that Cecily told Bryan, "oooh my grandpa is sleeping!" Also a tear-jerking moment. But the hardest one was seeing your little Weston, all alone standing there, holding your hand, touching your hair, and silently crying. He misses you daddy! Mommy has been amazingly strong during this! Even after losing the love of her life she has an unwavering faith in her King and is rejoicing for where you now are! You picked an amazing lady!!!
  I worked on your slideshow last night it was one of the hardest things I have had to do! I kept thinking that YOU would see it, then would quickly snap  back and realize that you wouldn't be there to see it. I tried to pick pictures that showed your spunky, goofy personality and your love of your family and friends. Pam really misses you! I sent her a text from your phone so that she could have a text from "Wayne". She said she missed your morning "Wayne's Word" texts. I may have to carry on the tradition for you so that she can still get a goofy text every morning. I miss you terribly and now long to be in heaven even more!
Your favorite second born,
Carley

Showered with love

Day 2 of you being gone and it hasn't gotten any easier! Last night was rough...I cried, screamed, punched my pillow (sorry daddy, but I was angry), and poured out my heart to my Savior. And just like He always does, he met me where I was and gave me more grace to get through that moment of despair. It helps me to imagine you up there playing with your grandson Geoffrey and being the first to get to know Him. I am sure you are telling him all about us and how much we love and miss him! Now we have another reason to look forward to Heaven! I know there are no tears in Heaven, but I had the funny thought of you bouncing him at the banquet table like you used to do with Colin, Cecily, and Owen when they would fuss at restaurants. Speaking of dinner, you will be happy to know that we have been showered with care and love! Carol and Candee have come everyday to get lunch and dinner put together and then clean it all up! I think Candee is trying to suck up to you so that you put in a good word with Jesus. ;-) hehehe They are keeping us well fed and taken care of! We were teasing Candee that we could hear you up there saying, "Hey Candee, you know those people that you do your bible studies about...yea I met em! Peter, James, John, they are pretty cool guys!" :-) Facebook was just covered in people posting pictures and remembering how amazing you were here on earth! I am humbled and proud at how many lives you touched and how many people love you! You left a lasting mark on hundreds if not a thousand people's lives!

Well the unthinkable happened...mom bought a dog! Weston needed something to help him cope and she decided that a dog would do the trick! He was looking online and couldn't find a place in AZ that sold the breed he wanted. I made the mistake of suggesting Puppies N Love and he enthusiastically asked if I would take him. How could I say no? I didn't anticipate him finding one, but sure enough, at the front of the store was a little black Poochon with little round black eyes and he immediately said, "I am going to name her Curly!" At first mommy wasn't so sure she wanted to get one that night, but I think Weston's big brown eyes were irresistible so we went down there and brought her home. We shamelessly pulled the "His dad passed away today" card and they gave us $300 off! I think our puffy red eyes and dingy clothes helped convince them too! You would love Curly! She is a little black ball of fluff and just sweet as ever! You aren't going to like this, but we are going to put no climb up on the fence so she can't get out. I know you always said you refused to do that because you didn't want it to look ghetto, but we'll try to make it look as classy as possible! We are all taking bets that Curly will potty train before Colin...so far she is winning...good thing everyone bet on her and not Colin! Tomorrow is your viewing...I don't know how I am going to get through it but I know when the time comes, so will the grace. I asked Jesus to give you a hug for me, I am sure he did! Love you more than words can express!
Your favorite second born,
Carley

Heavenly Birthday

I'm writing this to you almost exactly 24 hours from when you took your last breathe on this earth and began your eternal life with Jesus. That is a moment that is seared into my memory forever! You were holding on, fighting, then mommy whispered in your ear to go, be free! You raised your arms towards heaven and Jesus scooped you up, and brought you home. The peace and joy that washed over your face said it all! You were in the presence of Jesus! We wanted, expected, hoped, and prayed for a miracle, but Jesus knows what is best, and you are home. We miss you! Oh how we miss you!! My heart has never felt this deep of pain! I know life must go on, but I dont know how?! Fathers day is on Sunday and I can't even bear the thought of my first Fathers Day without my daddy! I want you here for just 10 more minutes when you were healthy and alert so I can talk to you and hear your voice. You shaped my life in more ways than you could ever know! I would not be who I am today without you and mom guiding me, teaching me, and showing me Jesus along the way. I am so grieved at the thought that you won't get to see my kids grow up, but I promise I will make you proud in raising them! The legacy that you left behind is truly incredible and I'm so blessed to have had you for a dad these last 24 (almost) 25 years. I know time doesn't exist for you anymore, but these have been the hardest 24 hours of my life! Just as you would want me to I am trusting that the Lord has a bigger plan for this and I am doing my best to be at peace with that. I love you, daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley