A Friend in Heaven

This last week got even harder with the news that dear Jennie went to be with Jesus as well, the day after your 9 month birthday. I have to admit I was literally in disbelief up hearing the news! Even though I don't see her and her family often because of the distance, it somehow is not connecting in my brain that I won't see her again, talk to her again, or see her sweet posts on FB. I walked around the whole day in a daze, crying, and with an intensely heavy heart. I have said this so many times, cancer sucks! In less than 1 year I know personally 4 people ranging in age 8-47 who have all lost their lives to this horrific disease. It just makes me sick and I wish I could make it so that no one else has to die from it. So many lives cut short and so many families left here on earth with the deepest pain we have could ever imagine! Ever since Thursday I can't help but feel sick to my stomach when I think of what her 5 young children and her dear husband are enduring. I wish I could take some of that pain for them because it can become so intense as the days go on. Just another reminder that this earth is not our home...we were made for another place. Jennie lived an amazing life here on earth and was an inspiration and encouragement to everyone she came in contact with! She is deeply missed here, but I know she is enjoying the glorious presence of Jesus! And does she ever deserve it!!!
 Moving on, we had Trinity's 2nd birthday party today. Mom, Cecily, and I were the ones who were able to go, and Cecily had a great time playing with her minnie mouse kitchen. It was nice to see my cousins as well as Uncle John and Aunt Mary. 
Well, I am just so emotionally fried after this week I have very little left in me. We all miss you and long for the day we are all reunited!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
You and Trinity at Grandma's 80th birthday party last year. Makes me sad to know she won't get to know her (literal and figurative) great uncle!

9 month labor pains

Today has been tough. Really starting last night it was tough. The last few "anniversaries" hadn't really been too bad, but for some reason 9 months hit hard. I had NO idea last night it was even the 9 month mark of us gathering around you watching you slowly fade away, yet somehow my heart knew it was and all I could do was listen to your songs and sob. All alone in the dark of my room I held your clothing which no longer smells even slightly like you, listened to Beautiful Things, Nothing is Wasted, Do I Trust You, and Christ the Solid Rock, and wept. I held on to your fingerprint on my necklace wishing somehow it would make me feel like I was holding your hand but it was just not the same. I can still remember exactly what your hands felt like when they held mine, what your hugs were like, your comforting voice, and your bristly cheek when you gave me a kiss. I hope to never forget those things about you! I dreamt about you all night and my dreams were all the same theme....me getting into some type of trouble and you helping me out. I can't count how many times I called on you when I got into a pickle and you were right there to help me sort it out. You rarely scolded me, you lovingly assessed the situation and helped me make things right. Yet you always made sure I learned some lesson in the midst of it so that I continued to grow and mature into who God wants me to be. I woke up at 3am to find Cecily standing in the middle of the living room with a big smile on her face clutching a picture of you and mommy. She must have climbed on her step stool to get it down from the dresser and all she could say was "this my grandpa! he died!" Even though she had no way of knowing what that night meant, she still woke up and missed you. At 3am 9 months earlier mommy watched them come pick you up, wrap you in a quilt, and take you to the morgue. I can't even wrap my mind around what that felt like for her! Watching the man you have been married to for almost 28 years be taken away, lifeless, to be prepared for burial....there aren't words! My mind kept going back to the moment I got the call from Stacey to come back, we pulled up to the house and it was covered in people outside praying for you and for us. It is something I will never forget and I am so thankful they came to support us! I remember Pam holding your wrist and saying, "I don't feel a pulse anymore Carley" and my heart just sunk. It was a pain I have never experienced before and hope to never have again. I ran in to get the other kids who had stepped out for a breather and we all gathered around to see your last breathe. Even though you know it's coming, nothing can ever prepare you for that final breathe. It's final. Nothing you can do or say will make the breathe return to your body! Inwardly you want to scream "WAKE UP!" but you know it won't work. As I thought about all these memories/nightmares from 9 months ago a song came on my IPod and despite the deep hurt I was feeling, I knew it was God speaking to me through it.

Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there

My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
And You were there

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there

I've wandered at heaven's gates
I've made my bed in hell
You were there still

Always faithful, always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely
You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely

Even in the darkest moment of our lives, we still felt Him, and dare I say we felt Him stronger than we ever had before! The grace we experienced was unending and His comfort unfathomable. He always has us, and always will. Nothing we experience will we ever be alone. So, as much as this sucks beyond anything I can describe, His faithfulness to never leave or forsake us was so apparent I can't help but be humbled by His mercy!

 As not to end this on a totally depressing note I will tell you a little of life with the Spears right now. Bryan is still Bryan...working, being an awesome daddy/hubby, playing games, and SLOWLY getting stuff done around the house. hehehe He installed a new entertainment center and we are really happy with it and all the added storage! Now he is in the process of getting all the big household repairs figured out. Colin is learned more and more everyday and I now find little notes all over the house with new words on them. He loves to write and even wrote grammie Candee a thank you note yesterday for taking him out on a Colin date. He is so great with the little ones and helps me out with (little) complaining. Cecily is becoming a great helper too and loves to lift up my shirt to see my "baby tummy". She says it's Owie in there but eventually she will catch on that it's Lucy. You will be proud because her favorite movie line right now is, "I grabbed onto that pink fleshy thing that dangles at the back of the throat. I held on to that sucker and I swung back and forth, and back forth..." It makes her laugh everytime and she has now learned the words! I wish you could hear her! Owen has been sick the last 2 days which has been ROUGH. He is a naturally clingy child so to add being sick on top of it, I don't think he has left my side since the day before yesterday! He just lays on me and whines and cries. I hate seeing him so uncomfortable. I really hope this is the last time we are sick this season because I am getting really tired of having sick kids that in turn get me sick! Me...well I am in the middle of a HUGE learning process. So many things I have been challenged with lately and have made me realize things about myself that I didn't know were there. I am learning to let go of grudges, get my short tempter under control because sadly Colin and Cecily have both become very short tempered with little things and I know they got that from seeing me, managing my time better, budgeting (YUCK!), and not being scared to stand up for righteousness. I feel like I am being hit with a lot of big lessons all at once, but where the need is great, so is the grace! Oh, and how can I forget little Lucy, she is kicking up a storm, growing big and strong, and I am so so excited to have another daughter! Mommy bought her (emotionally shopped, can you blame her?) some ADORABLE little outfits and I can't wait to see her in them!

Well that wraps up today's happenings. I have a fun story to catch you up on, but that will have to wait until next time because poor Bryan has had a crabby baby on his lap this whole time so I could type without him assaulting the keyboard. So I should help him out! Missing you deeply and loving you more than ever!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Mommy went to your grave to put some Spring flowers up for Passover. We decided we just couldn't celebrate passover this year because it was that week after passover you went downhill and it's the last time you sat at the table with us. It is just too painful this year!

We love Lucy

Wednesday was our ultrasound to see baby Spears and to find out the gender. We had the ultrasound tech write it down and seal it up while we had our eyes closed. It is always so amazing to me to see my baby for the first time when it actually looks like a baby! Little fingers, toes, hands, and feet all moving and wiggling around in there happy as can be! Colin said it looked like a cow, he always has an opinion on what baby looks like! Cecily was an alien and Owen was a bird. Cow seems a bit obscure to me...but hey it's Colin! After the appt was over we went home and the gal making our gender reveal cupcakes came and picked up the envelope. For a little over 24 hours only 2 people and Jesus knew if we had a boy or a girl! That was fun! Candee set a really pretty display and the cupcakes were adorable! Everyone came over and we enjoyed a nice dinner together. It came time to do the cupcakes so we all took one and bit into it at the same time. Sure enough, Dorothy got the winning cupcake that revealed we are having a GIRL! Bryan and I had come to a compromise that if it was a boy I got my name and if it was a girl he got his. So, we are welcoming Lucy Rebecca into the family! Somehow I feel like it fits, even though I had another name in mind. I know you would be so excited to have another granddaughter and we will be sure she knows all about her amazing grandpa! You don't need to worry about spoiling, grammie is taking care of that! I heard the word sewing come up....so I think some home made monogrammed outfits and blankets may be coming her way! Colin was not super happy about the news, in fact his words were, "I wanted a boy! I am going to cry!" He said we have to have 5 boys and 1 girl....looks like his sister number is going to be higher than that! Once she comes I know he will adore her just like he did with Cecily!
  Speaking of Colin, last night was rough. He woke up around 4am and came in the room in hysterics. I felt sick to my stomach wondering what in the world was causing him to be so unusually upset! Eventually I realized he was asking for you, and must have been having dreams about you. He spent the next two hours crying, calling out in his sleep (while laying next to me), and wandering the house trying to find you. It broke my heart more than words can convey! There are no words you can tell a 4 year old that will mend his little heart! He misses you so terribly and his grief is still overwhelming to him even in his sleep. All I can do is pray for him and know that Jesus will bring him comfort during his times of sadness.
  Well, it's supposed to be nap time but thanks to a horrible storm (hail, thunder, lightening, etc) my kids are not settling down. So I need to do tend to them! I love you and I miss you more as the days pass!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Getaway

So back in the beginning of February mommy SOOO graciously agreed to watch the kids while Bryan and I took a late honeymoon just the two of us! It's hard to say no to me as you know, so she didn't really stand a chance! hehehe It was seriously just what we needed to recharge, relax, and have some awesome adult conversation about life, our family, and continuing to heal from losing you. In the weeks leading up to our trip I was really really struggling with keeping it together in every area of life! I don't know if it was because my brain knew we were going to be going away or if it was just God timing that we planned this trip (I am going with the latter), but it was just what the "dr" ordered! I hate to admit that my attitude towards my kids had gotten really lousy the last month before and I was losing my temper frequently. I was so frustrated with myself that I was lashing out at them when they really didn't deserve it! I came back with a much better attitude and refreshed ability to bestow grace in situations that before had me fuming!
 Our trip started on a Sunday and we had an afternoon flight to Kona. Everything went smooth...the flight was slightly bumpy but nothing too terrible. We arrived a little early and the airport there was so unlike anything I have been to. It was all outdoors and in what I would describe as "huts". Pretty neat! We decided to rent the black convertible to drive around in because we knew this was going to be a once in a lifetime thing! So with the top down we drove to our hotel taking in the scenery! From the highway you could see whales coming up out of the water on one side and lava rock as far as the eye could see on the other with the volcano in the middle. It was breathtaking! We felt like giddy newlyweds as we drove around and *gasp* held hands as we walked into the hotel! Our hotel was stunning and really was perfect! We got so blessed to be able to afford to stay where we did and the view from our room was spectacular! Every morning we opened our curtains to see whales splashing around and at dusk dolphins would entertain us with their flipping. Words don't even do it justice! Monday we made it a drive around, relax, explore, and sun burn day. We hung out by the amazing pool, walked to the beach which was just on the other side of a bush from the pool, and explored cool lava tide-pools. We found black crabs, sea cucumbers, lots of neat little fish, and even spotted a sea turtle. Tuesday we drove to Hilo to see Aunt Deb and check out the volcano. She warned us the drive could be dangerous and she wasn't kidding! One side was the straight cliff with rocks falling, and the other the ocean...not too relaxing but Bryan is a great driver so I only got a nervous a few times! hehehe The volcano was awesome and we saw the steam vents, went inside the crater of the volcano, and saw the steam coming out of the middle of it. We weren't allowed to go down to the shoreline where the lava spills into the ocean because it gives off fumes that aren't good for pregnant women, but I can imagine it was spectacular judging from the pictures we saw! It gives me a whole new appreciation for people who live there because it just felt dangerous to live somewhere that has an active volcano on it! haha I told Aunt Deb she was living on the edge! On our way back down from the volcano she took us to a beautiful waterfall and we explored that for a little while before heading back to her house. It was a really nice day and I am SO thankful we got to see her! Uncle Gary had to work but I know he really wanted to see us! We couldn't stay until he was off because it gets VERY dark there with no street lights and the thought of driving back next to a drop off to the ocean was a bit unnerving! Wednesday was our shopping and Luau day! I bought the kiddos and siblings some souvenirs and we had our wonderful Luau by the beach at sunset. They had buried a pig and during the Luau two men unburied it then it was served up for dinner. They had so much food it was a pregnant lady's dream! After dinner they had a show and the dancing was so neat. True to Bryan's self, they tried to pull him onto stage and he strongly refused! haha No surprise there! Thursday was our beach day which sadly ended after only an hour because I got sick, but it was fun while it lasted! We went to the "white" sand beach and I laid out while Bryan played in the water. He was a little bummed I didn't go out in the water with him but I was just not feeling well! So that day was kind of a bust! We spent most of it in the hotel with me in bed or in the bathroom but hey at least the first few days were sickness free! (When we got back I got a prescription for phenergan because I was done with the whole being sick thing!) Friday we had to check out of our hotel but we first had a glass bottom boat tour which was wonderful! We saw all the coral, fish, sea turtles, etc. God's creation really is amazing!!! After we checked out we headed back to Kona from Waikoloa and visited a coffee plantation. That was so neat and we learned a lot about coffee plants, the process of meaking coffee beans, and some facts about decaf that are gross. Did you know that decaf coffee from cheap places is made by soaking the beans in formaldehyde to draw out some of the caffeine. Better coffee use some type of spring water to get the same affect but it's more expensive so most places go the other route. So note to self, don't get decaf anymore no matter how much you want to avoid a caffeine rush! We finished up there and had hours and hours to burn until our red eye flight. We had the epiphany that we could GO SEE A MOVIE! We saw Identity Thief which was ok, a little crass but funny in some parts! It was so weird to have those moments of "Hey, we can do whatever we want, whenever we want!" haha After the movie we drove around trying to find a place to eat but Kona is apparently crazy at night so it was a nightmare! After about an hour we said heck with it and headed to the airport....worst idea ever! The trip up until that point was awesome...the last 5 hours were MISERABLE! We hadn't eaten since about 11:30am....it was now 7pm, we dropped off the rental car, took the shuttle over to the baggage check in, and what do you know, it didn't open until 9:30! Do you think they had a vending machine or anything to eat before you get through security? NOPE! Nothing!!!!! Do you think they had benches to sit on to wait? NOPE!!! Not one!! So as we sat on a little lava wall, my blood sugar dropped lower and lower and I felt sick, I ended up in tears because I felt so crappy! 2 1/2 hours later they opened up the ticket area so we could check our bags in (which by now there was a huge line so instead of being first we had to wait in long lines), go through security (I had to do the ever fun pat down since I didn't want to do the body scanner), then FINALLY to the little cafe that closed at 10pm. We ate quickly then sat for another hour until our plane boarded. I have never been so happy to get on an airplane! We took off on time, had a nice tail wind, and got home in only 5 1/2 hours! Mom was there as we walked out of baggage claim and instead of a "MOM! DAD!" We got a "*tears* but I want to stay at grammie's house!" haha Not quite what I expected but at least they didn't really miss us much!!! So that wraps up our trip! We enjoyed the time together and soaked in all the peace and quiet since we know it will be a very long time before we do that again!
 We miss you more and more and love you like crazy!!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Sorry, these are totally out of order but the uploader mixed them all up and I am way too tired to rearrange them! So use your imagination! hehehe