Time is something I seem to always be racing against these days! I swear I just wrote to you and suddenly it's a full month later and I am just now catching my breathe! Bryan and I have had a few discussions lately in regards to "How I am doing?" and this man never ceases to amaze me at how well he knows me. For the last nearly 2 years (has it been that long?! yikes!) I have struggled to figure out who I am with my dad gone and how this whole grief process has "rewired" my brain. I knew it had, but for some reason I could not pinpoint what exactly had changed. I knew I couldn't function the same as before. I knew my thought processes had changed from before. But I could not make sense of the mess inside of me. Well, the engineer inside Bryan just had to figure out what was going on inside my head. He spent a year just letting me be, and helping me along the way, figuring all the while I would eventually go back to how I was before watching you die. As time has gone on, he realized I was not going back to "Carley" and he was really struggling with how to help me because the ways that USED to help were no longer effective, they just pushed me away. One day it occurred to him (this will be in computer terms as he described it to me. He's so hot when he talks nerdy to me! ahahaha) that I used to be multi-threaded aka I could multi-talk easily. I could jump from thing to thing and not lose pace or get frustrated. Example: While making lunch the old Carley could make lunch with a screaming baby on my hip, fighting adolescents (probably over where they are sitting at the table), and a toddler trying to "help" but in reality just making it more chaotic, without even getting flustered. The new Carley ends up screaming over all of them to shut up because I can't think straight and grow increasingly frustrated with the toddler underfoot and end up in tears because the baby needs to nurse at the exact moment the rest of the kids need to eat and I have yet to eat anything for the day because my breakfast got stolen...twice. I then completely mentally shut down and (what Bryan called segfault-ing) spend the rest of my day in a totally emotional state and don't get anything done except cry a lot and yell at my poor children. It pretty much was a light bulb moment when he told me his "findings" because it is exactly what happens to me! It seemed so simple and DUH when he said it, but for some reason I couldn't understand WHY I couldn't do what I USED to do. I felt like I was broken...and I've heard many times along this journey that when going through a trauma like this your brain literally "rewires" and even your handwriting changes. But this just caught me off guard because I felt like I should have been back to "normal" by now. However, I have now come to the conclusion that this is normal. Sure I will function better as time goes on, but I better get used to being single-threaded and segfault-ing easily because that is just how I am wired now. I can't handle chaos. And that will just have to be ok. Sooooo with all of that we had to sit down and take a very serious look at my "load" and what things I can cut out in order to segfault less. (I just like that word!) I am stepping down from teaching at Beautiful Feet for this up coming semester, I am cutting back on what I agree to take on (parties, outings, etc), admitting when I need help, ask for it, and ACCEPT it, I got a fantastic mommy helper who comes once a week to watch the kids while I clean, and I am learning that I need to stay on top of things BEFORE it becomes chaotic so that I don't shut down. Chaos used to fuel me...I did some of my greatest work in chaos, now it stuns me and leaves me unable to accomplish anything. Not good when you have 4 little ones to look after! I have had to ask for grace from friends and family for falling short on many occasions in recent months, so hopefully they will forgive me! It's a very humbling experience to not be able to be the "Type A" personality I used to be...but I guess Type B isn't all that bad! hehehehe
We do have some new things that God has put in our paths and the timing is kind of funny because we were NOT expecting it and were quite comfortable where we were at...but when He says "It's time" It's time! I can't make a formal announcement yet...but soon I can! I do not do well with change (refer back to the precious paragraph) but I have such a peace about where He is leading us and what He is doing with our family. I am very excited to see what the next year or so has in store!
Well the kids are needing baths and bed so I will close this out! I have so much more to tell you and update you on...mom's wedding plans, Stacey's wedding plans, the kids continual growth, the list goes on. But I guess it will have to wait for another time!
I love you and my heart aches to see you again!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
For the first time as a mom I broke out the pack n play so I could get stuff done.
Love his little personality!
Lucy had some health issues so here we are waiting at Cardon's Childrens hospital for some tests. She did great...I am traumatized. Everything turned out fine and it was just a simple UTI with no further complications!
We planted some spring flowers! The first time in 7 years I have every done that!
Stacey came in town for a bridal shower and we all went to the new Cheddar's for dinner.
Cessy turned 4 last week and she couldn't be happier!
We went on our traditional Chompie's date
In April it was already swimming weather! Ugh!
Owen however did not like the feeling of the mesh underwear and cried hysterically for 30 minutes...
Homeschool field trip to the IDEA museum!
This is Lucy's camera face. I LOVE it!
Exhausted mommy but I wouldn't have it any other way!
More camera face
She's my love!
After all that posing she was tuckered out and fell asleep on Auntie!
Tim's dad sent Colin this fun water/oil toy. He loves it!
I got a new dishwasher because mine broke! I got Bryan to get the latest model...it's amazing how you can talk an engineer into the better appliance because it's "Made with metal not plastic parts"
Grammie getting lots of love from the kids. (Yes Owen was in a Princess pull up...we ran out of diapers! bahaha)
Your Wayne JR turned 18...not sure how to feel about this but I am happy he made it this far! lol
Lucy enjoying the festivities
That's the bets smile you get out of Wayne (unless you're a girl he likes)
Mommy is glad he finally 18 and responsible for his own actions now. bahaha
My blue eyed girl!
After an exhausting day at the mall...Owen walked in and fell asleep on the floor hahaha
I am having some health issues of my own and one of those came with the need to carry an epi pen....here is my trainer. Bryan thoroughly enjoyed jabbing it into my thigh!
