Well daddy it has been a crazy fast year so far! I am amazed at how quickly time passes when the days are so full! This time of year has been hard since you died. May was when we received the news that there was no more they could do,and then less than 5 weeks later you were gone. It was a whirlwind of a month, and so often I find myself wishing I could go back for just a day and spend more time with you knowing now how short that time would be. The last 4 years have been the hardest of my life and have completely changed who I am as a person. The last year has been a rather difficult one for me personally because I found myself feeling increasingly upset, depressed, and anxious at not knowing who I was or how I functioned in this new normal. I gave myself a while to get it figured out and finally my wonderful hubby said, "I think you just need to go talk to someone who can help you get your mind and heart sorted out." and he was right. I had been trying in my own strength to get back on my feet and it just wasn't working. I didn't like who I was as a wife, mother, and friend and I could feel myself getting more and more stuck in the vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. So I found a Christian counselor and have been meeting with her and it has really helped me start to sift through all the emotions and thoughts that have been going on since losing you. I lost a HUGE part of my life and who I was so trying to put the pieces back together when a lot of them are now missing was proving to be more than I could handle. She has been helping me create simple steps to help me thrive in this new normal. During this process I am realizing how much fear has been a driving factor in my life. Fear of the future (Who else will I lose? Will I have to watch another family member suffer like that? Will my family have to go through that with ME?), fear of trusting that God knows He is doing, fear of losing another person close to me, fear of moving on with life without you, fear of failure, etc. It has completely shut down my ability to function in everyday tasks. So she encouraged me to start by simply eliminating extra things, really take a look at what I NEED to do, say NO even if it's a good thing/activity, so that I can give my best YES to the things/people that matter, and that in turn will take things off my plate and not weigh me down so much. I used to be able to take on a lot at one time and spreading myself thin didn't seem to matter. But now it does, and I felt like my family was getting the short end of the stick. We are starting a Sabbath Sunday where we won't do anything other than church. No activities can be planned, no work, nothing. We just hang out, play games, relax, eat popcorn for lunch, and focus on what is in front of us. I am praying it will help me be more productive during the week to have that one day off and just relax. Ok well as much as you can relax with 5 kids. haha
Our last session we had together we talked about grief specifically and what it means to me to grieve. That was such a hard question and I am not really sure how to answer it. I told her that I felt like after 4 years I should be "over it" and she said, "Why? Who told you that?" and really, it's just the feeling you get. When you tell someone you lost a parent and they ask if it was recently and you say 4 years ago they get this attitude of, "Oh that was a while ago". She was quick to point out that even if it 20 years later you still cycle through grief because there are many points of grief. She said I will likely hit a point of grief again when I turn your age when you passed away. That is a hard one for people because it becomes so real that your parent died at the age you are. So I am allowing myself the ability to still grieve "even" 4 years later and not telling myself that I need to be "Over it." She encouraged me to find someone to talk to who has lost a parent at a young age and just tell them when I am struggling. Shooting a quick text of, "Hey can you pray for me, I saw something that reminded me of my dad" and being vocal about it instead of bottling it up. I am a very big Bottler. I bottle everything up because I don't like burdening people with my emotions and thoughts. Initially I was really good with vocalizing to Bryan when something made me sad/upset but after a while I felt like a broken record and didn't want to keep "bugging" him. She also had me write a list of things that bring me comfort so that when memories do hit and bring sadness I can go to something that comforts me and have my moment of grief, then move on. Instead of shoving it down and letting all of those moments pile up and pile up, then they become so heavy I can't breathe. That is the moment my depression rises up and I spend weeks in a dark place and unable to function. That, dad, has been my life for the last 2 years. Burying, shoving, weighed down, then depressed. I am very much looking forward to the release that is coming and being able to be ME again! I don't like feeling like this and I don't like not knowing who I am.
It is time to go get ready for church! Thanks for letting me get all those thoughts out! I love and miss you more each passing day and you are always in my thoughts.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pictures from Lincoln's Log Cabin 1st birthday party.
The kiddos found the camera and I discovered these when I uploaded the birthday ones. haha
