Awareness and Overcoming

Cecily was only a new 2 year old when you passed away...truthfully I didn't think she would remember much about the experience and up until the last few weeks I was convinced she didn't really get it/remember. Well, something in her little head clicked and she is finding the words to express her perspective on her grandpa dying. It must be in her sub-conscience that your 2 year heavenly birthday is approaching because with no prompting she talks about you constantly. She says things like, "Grandpa Tim isn't in heaven like Grandpa Wayne." or "Grandpa Wayne died, and was in a box, and his eyes were closed." "Grandpa Wayne went up to heaven on an elevator." "Does Grandpa Wayne have his cell phone in his pocket? We should call him and tell him to back now, grammie, Weston, Mattie, Colin, and I miss him." "Grammie is marrying grandpa Tim because Grandpa Wayne died and can't come back." These conversations just kind of come up randomly and actually "seeing" her little mind process what has happened never ceases to bring a lump to my throat and a tug at my heart. Mommy's bunny Fiona passed away a few weeks ago and now she says that "Fona is with Grandpa Wayne and Jesus now!" Knowing that all of this was trapped up in her head is kind of crazy to me. I never really talked about it with her because I didn't think she needed to process it. Colin made it very clear he needed help and support but she seemed blissfully unaware of the pain of losing her grandpa. Little did I know she was very aware that her Grandpa is no longer here and misses him just like the rest of us. Tim has been such a blessing to her and I am beyond grateful that she has found that connection with him. She adores him and just giggles at everything he says! I am pretty sure she has a 4 year old's kind of crush on him! I know God brought Tim for mom's sake, but I am certain it was also just as much for the grandkids you left behind!

As your 2 year Entrance to the Heavenlies approaches I am filled with mixed emotions. The last 3 weeks or so have been so hard because quite a few people around me have lost loved ones in very tragic situations. The kind that no one expects or prepares for. Not that you can ever prepare for death, but in the case of illness you have at least an idea that the end can be drawing near. These were situations that no one saw coming, and just knock the wind out of you! Since your death I had only been able to go to two other funerals. I have felt so guilty everytime I passed up the opportunity to go and support someone during such a horrific time, but truthfully the pain was so intense I couldn't find the courage to go. Last week I finally overcame that fear and went to support a family that lost their boy in an unimaginable tragedy! I sat there the whole time just suppressing every urge to feel sick and fall to pieces. Knowing exactly what that family was feeling...and knowing they were feeling it so much deeper was intense/overwhelming...but it also allowed me to pray for them in a way I would have never known how before 2 years ago. It was a huge step for me to be able to go and feel myself moving forward and most importantly healing.

Your grandbabies are getting bigger everyday! Colin is growing like a weed and catching up to Weston (who is also growing like a weed and looks just like his daddy) and will be doing 1st-2nd grade this year. He loves superheros, playing games with Bryan, helping with Lucy, filling up water balloons, swimming, helping me cook, and talking. Cecily is still the same little princess she always has been...but with a little more "grossness". She tends to announce her bathroom encounters LOUDLY at restaurants or parties, finds gas hilarious, and washing her hands is optional. We are working on all these things. hehe Owen is seriously adorable and you would find him as irresistible as we do! His vocabulary has exploded recently and he says the funniest things! He sings Let it Go and the alphabet all day long, and is still obsessed with sharks, dinos, and Batman. Lucy is almost walking and as cute as a button. She adores all the attention that gets lathered on her all day, and thanks to my essential oils is finally sleeping really well at night. Now if only her brothers would quit having nightmares I would actually get a decent night sleep! Bryan is loving his new job and finding it a fun challenge! I love seeing him excited about work and feeling like his brains are being put to good use! I am the same as usual....beautifully struggling to be the best mom and wife I can be with lots of failures along the way. I am thankful for what HE says I am, and that my worth isn't determined by how much I get done in one day because if it was I'd fail daily! I miss you terribly and 2 years later it still stings like it did the day you passed away! We will be celebrating you with a graveside breakfast of donuts and bagels on Friday...I will bring some more orange balloons for the kids to release. In their little minds grandpa gets the balloons they send up!
I love you and miss you more than ever!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley