Surprise!

So back in February I decided that even though it was RIGHT next to my due date I was going to throw Bryan a surprise 30th birthday party. He hates crowds of people, parties, and being social, so I knew I was walking into dangerous territory but I couldn't resist. We have never had a party for him since we got married other than our combined Dave and Busters get together we have done in the past with close friends. But that in my mind doesn't count! So I asked Candee to help me out (the poor lady did WAY more than she was probably anticipating but she made it an awesome party!) since I knew it was going to be tough to pull off. Well, it was harder than I thought! I realized as the time drew closer that I really couldn't work on much for the party with the kids around because Colin would rat me out. So anything I did had to be when I was totally alone...and well that doesn't happen very often. After a not to long deliberation with myself, I decided catering it was the best option because I couldn't cook that much food without being obvious. Sadly his favorite place doesn't cater so I opted for the second best and did Qdoba and had a delicious nacho bar. We eat there once a week so it seemed appropriate! haha I have NEVER been able to surprise Bryan with ANYTHING. If I say, "Hey I got your bday present" He replies with, "Oh, it's ____ huh?" And he is right every time. I don't know how he reads my mind like he does, but it's scary! So keeping this a secret was TOUGH to say in the least. I had to say things to throw him off the trail completely, which even though he won't admit it, totally worked! He WAS surprised and I DID IT! We had a mad science party and Jack and Candee did a great job at all the decor! They made a science table for the adults and the kids, and had all sorts of fun gadgets for people to play with and experiment with. We also did a Periodic Table of the Elements cookie chart that was PERFECT and the gal who did it really went above and beyond! So all in all it was a great party...just missed having you there as usual. I had to get the ice myself which was just not ok and let's face it...you were always the life of the party! I don't know when I will get used to you not being there but it still just feels weird. In my mind I expect you to show up and be the fun talkative party guest who by the end of the nights knows more about everyone there than I do! Heaven must be having a blast with you there!
  Well, I have a thousand things to do, and no matter what my list keeps growing. We are trying to find a place to have ballet classes this year...it has been one of the most frustrating experiences of my life! I am trying to get Lucy to come out...also frustrating! I am trying to keep my house/laundry up to par so that when I DO have her it's all finished and I don't have to be stressing about it. Because you know I will! I am trying to be a good mom to 3 little kids who are not handling all the changes around here well so emotions have been high and tension even higher. And most of all, I am trying to mentally prepare myself that you won't be coming to meet Lucy when she is born. That right there makes me sick/cry just saying it.
 I love you and I miss you more and more!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Some pics from the party and my 37 week picture with Lucy. Oh how I wish she would get to meet her grandpa when she makes her debut!

These are from the 4th of July....we had a low key day and had dinner at the Spears then went to your house to light off some fireworks. Of course all the kids stayed inside because it was "too loud and scary" and the adults all acted like kids and had fun blowing stuff up! Mom was up north camping with homegroup...shocking I know! And in order to keep her from leaving early they failed to tell her they spotted a bear close to their campsite. Weston did not enjoy it so much I heard and was a bit of a party pooper but hey what do you expect from a little boy who is missing his daddy?!

Feelings of Frustration

That pretty much sums up my life right now....almost everything has frustrated me to one extent or the other. Some are more extreme than others...but overall...I am just mildly frustrated! I am blaming it on pregnancy hormones because otherwise I have to face the fact that I am having an attitude problem and I don't really feel like doing that. hehehe Here are a list of my frustrations (because I know you are just so anxious to know!)
Frustration #1: My kids. I LOOOVE them to death but the last few weeks have been nothing but what feels like losing battles. They wake up fighting, go to bed fighting, fight nap time, fight eating what I put in front of them (unless of course it's chick-fil-a or Jason's Deli), fight with their friends, fight with their aunties and uncles, it's just one big fight at the moment and I am beyond frustrated with how much I am needing to discipline them over it! I long for the days when I could just enjoy being their mom...play on the floor with them and not be refereeing the entire time...sitting down to a nice lunch instead of forcing them to eat or go hungry...taking them to mom's house and they play nicely instead of constantly telling them to apologize to this person or that person for being rude. I know a large part of this is coming from their insecurity of all the changes around the house. We started re-arranging things for Lucy's upcoming arrival, Owen got kicked out of our bed and is in their room which is whole other battle, and obviously mommy is not as able to be as active as I was even a month ago so their little worlds are being turned upside down. And it has only just begun! I am doing my best (ok, maybe not my best, but trying really really hard) to give them extra grace because they are having to make a lot of adjustments right now too. It's just really difficult when I am already exhausted from this last bit of pregnancy and everything I have to accomplish in one day.
Frustration #2: My body. For some reason my body likes to practice labor for weeks or dare I say months before it actually kicks the baby out. I have constant contractions, lots of pressure, pubic bone is separating again, hips are so sore I feel like I have the flu in my hips 24/7, I can't eat ANYTHING without it coming back up (even a peanut butter sandwich), I have horrible indigestion to the point of my chest literally hurting, and this time around I am actually getting swollen which is making my feet and ankles sore. Not to mention Lucy had a big growth spurt this last week so I am being internally bruised by her feet, knees, butt, etc. My ribs crack when she is active and my hip feels like I have a bruise the size of Texas in it from her shoulders. I wish I knew how much longer I had so I could mentally prepare myself if she decides to be late...but that's the thing about labor...you have NO idea when it'll hit! I could have her tonight...I could have her in August! It's anyone's guess and that is so frustrating at the moment! On the positive side I am keeping my house picked up so that in the event I go into labor I don't have to worry about a messy house...but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. hehe
Frustration #3: People! Oh man...sometimes I wish I could just go take my family and live in some remote area where I never had to see or talk to anyone. Ok, that's not true because I do love my friends and would miss them but oh man...some people are just downright annoying, flaky, immature, selfish, etc. I wish I could say I have had grace with the people that are frustrating me but sadly I haven't. I know I have been rude, snapped, or said things that (though true) were not necessary. Nothing frustrates me more than an adult having a temper tantrum or saying things to people that are totally uncalled for especially when they are going through a really hard time.
Frustration #4: The heat. Now, don't get me wrong, if it was just me, I wouldn't mind it one bit. But your grandkids HATE the heat this summer. Last year it didn't really seem to phase them...this year they are NOT happy about it! Yet, they still want to go places all the time. *sigh* Walking to Costco had all 3 of them in tears because they were "sooooo hot". I have carseat coolers so their seats aren't hot but they still freak out everytime we get in the hot car. Being 9 months pregnant does not help either because the heat makes me feel sick so I am not handling it too well either. I do have to say though I will take this weather over places that have snow, blizzards, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, etc. It may be hot...but if you have A/C it's really not that big of a deal...unless of course your kids are pansies. haha
Well I could go on but I will probably get myself in trouble so I will stop. Basically what it boils down to is I need to step up my time with God and get my heart in check. I will be much better off if I learn to just let things go and trust that HE knows what is going on and I don't always see the full picture.
Tamara took some maternity pics of me so here are some pictures of me and Lucy. I have to admit I have cried daily at the realization that you won't be here to see her after she is born, watch her grow up, etc. And when I say cry...I mean bawl. My heart is very heavy as her birth draws near and I pray that God gives me the peace I will need during and after her birth.
I love and miss you daddy!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Barely Breathing

Yes, I know, those are song lyrics, but it seemed an appropriate title. A year ago tonight we had just left your house...we decided to put the kids to bed since we weren't sure exactly how much longer you had. I kept my phone on my hand and stared at it for the next hour or so...time was standing still yet moving at the speed of a bullet. The hospice nurse who had been there that afternoon after you gave us a scare said you could hang on for a few more days or you could go that night. As the day went on though, we all just knew you were at the end. We had all prayed that God would take you peacefully and quickly because you had suffered long enough...though selfishly we wanted more time with you. I ache so badly to go back to those final hours and just sit with you...hold your hand...and be near to you. After only being home for a short time Stacey called me and said that your breathing had changed and it was time to come back. My heart fell to my stomach and I immediately got Bryan, we packed the sleepy kids up and headed back. I will never forget that drive. I just stared out the window, wishing...hoping...praying this was all a nightmare and any minute I would wake up. Was I really driving to your house to spend your last few moments with you? Would God heal you or take you home? Stuck in this weird place of hope and fear my chest felt like it was being crushed by the weight of the earth and I could barely breath. The air felt like it was being sucked out of me....if I could even get a breath at all. I tried my best to stay in the room the 2 hours we had left with you but watching your breaths become fewer and fewer was causing my own breath to speed up. I felt like I needed to breathe for you...like somehow it would help. I paced in and out trying to wrap my mind around what was happening, it was the closest thing I can describe as an out of body experience. There was a good sized group of prayer warriors outside who came to be there for you and for us in those final hours. It was such a precious things to us to see how loved we were (are) and that even in that dark night we weren't alone. If we bottled the amount of tears shed by everyone that night...we could fill a lake! And I am pretty sure if we bottled the last years worth it would fill an ocean!

You yourself have kept track of my misery.
    Put my tears into your bottle—
    aren’t they on your scroll already?

Psalm 56:8

 

 God had us wrapped so tightly in His grace, peace, and comfort, I look back and think "How did we survive that night?!" There are few things that cause Carley to be speechless and watching you die is one of them. I can't even describe it, I can't put into words the pain, beauty, anguish, heartache, peace, and grace that was felt that night. It literally leaves me without words.

   So here we are a year later...still having ups and down...today being a total down. At around 3pm my emotions came crashing down and I texted Bryan (couldn't even call I was sobbing so hard) that he needed to come home. I could no longer bottle in grief I had felt all day...so being the wonderful hubby he is, he came right home. Without any words he just layed next to me, put his arms around me and let me continue sobbing. After I had gotten my tears under control...well as controlled as they have been today...he asked if I wanted to just go do something fun tonight but truthfully fun seems like the farthest thing in my mind right now. So instead I opted for the 2.5 hour nap and we had pancakes with fruit and whipped cream for dinner. The kids didn't nap (again) so our evening was filled with lots of tears from the little guys too but since I am crying all the time I can't really get upset with them. They are all peacefully sleeping and Colin is excited to go to your grave tomorrow. Mom is going to have the lady at Mariposa Gardens put a banana peel on the grave for him to find, and we are going to release memory lanterns in your honor. It will be a sweet and difficult evening for all of us but those difficult things are often the most healing.

  Well I am reaching the end of my ability to think tonight. It goes without saying that this year has been the hardest of my life and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could see you again here on earth! I love you, miss you, and know that Heaven is a better place with you there...because earth kind of stinks now! :-)

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Owen slept on my chest tonight which never happens and I like to think it's because I was wearing your shirt. Oh how I wish he could have known his grandpa better!

Mom holding your hand in your last minutes here on earth. What a precious act of love to hold her husband in her arms while Jesus took you home. I to this day don't know how she did it with such calm and peace...I can only accredit it to God's covering over her because that is something no wife ever wants to do!

The Gradaute

Colin graduated from Pre-school with Ms. Tracy a few weeks ago. Looking back I am so thankful and humbled by God's provision in opening up a spot for him at the Friendship Garden because he really needed it but most of all, I needed it. It was so hard for me to lay my pride down and admit I couldn't handle homeschooling him last year, but I knew he really needed to be in a learning environment. He is such a smart kid and I didn't want to hold him back, yet I just wasn't in a place emotionally where I could take on that challenge. Ms. Tracy was a God-send and lovingly guided him through easy and difficult lessons. He isn't the easiest person to teach because if he can't do something perfectly or the right way the first time he tends to just want to quit or say it's stupid and he doesn't want to do it. But in reality he DOES want to do it, he just doesn't know how and won't ask for help. Her patience is amazing and despite a rough start he really blossomed and learned to persevere and that it's ok to accept help when you are struggling. He adores her and still talks about her on a daily basis, he misses it for sure! As much as I am sad he is done there, I admit it's nice to have my Tuesday/Thursdays back and I am sure Weston is too because we usually hung out at your house all day since it's a long drive from our house. hehe He got a little sick of us by the end of the year! He did so many amazing crafts, learned all sorts of things, and now thanks to Ms. Tracy wants a goat....yea not happening! He gardened, learned about plants, animals, made a robot, his ABC's, numbers (ok that one is a work in progress because that boy gets stuck at 15 EVERY. SINGLE. TIME), had a field trip to the zoo to see the different animals in their habitats, the list goes on. I don't know that I can top all of that, but I will try! He asked me if I was going to teach him just like Ms. Tracy and I told him I didn't know exactly how she taught but I would do my best. I will be starting school with him and Cecily in the fall which will be very interesting with a mischievous toddler and a brand new baby. I am just praying Lucy is a good napper so I can at least get some school done with them a few times a week while her and Owen nap. We will see I guess!
  Here are some pictures of the graduation as well as some of the projects he did during the year. He was so proud of himself and you would be so proud of him too! He wants to go to your grave and take a picture in his graduation cap so I will have to take him down there soon to do that. But until then...enjoy your grandsons hard work!
Love and miss!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Your little Graduate

 Seems like just yesterday this was you and Colin...hanging out during church so mommy and daddy could listen to the sermon.

 One of my favorite crafts...his little footprint as the manger. I use this dishtowel all the time!

 I adore seeing his handwriting even though I can't really read it too well yet!

 Ms. Tracy dressed him up as a shepherd, complete with a rabbit as a sheep. My favorite picture!

 His diploma...it's official!

 His gardening journal...also a favorite of mine!

 These are so precious to me! I love how many kids he put in our family!

 I never knew he wanted to be a police officer until I read this...melted my heart!

 He is my sunshine on a cloudy day!

 Getting ready for his big moment!

 The graduate and his awesome teacher!!!

 Cecily was so proud of brother!

 The adorable little graduates

 All ready!

 Pledging their allegiance to the American flag.

 Owen just wanted to see all the awesome animals Ms Tracy has at her house!

 Prepped in his cap

 Finding his spot

 All in a row!

Here is a video of him receiving his diploma

And that wraps it up! I have an adorable video of him doing their ABC song but it wouldn't upload...drats!