Sleepless in Chandler

  It has been a rough week (or maybe longer, I lost track) of little to no sleep. We have started introducing more solids into Owen's diet and it is not going well. He doesn't have any allergies per-say but he isn't used to the...poo's it creates so it really aggravates him from about 11pm-4am when he finally able to go then he sleeps fine after that. He hasn't dirtied his diaper in the middle of the night for a while so we feel like we have a newborn all over again! I wish he would go BEFORE bed but for some reason the "urge" hits around 3:30-4am and the hours before it make him really squirmy! "A healthy colon is a happy colon" as you always said, but apparently his isn't doing too great at the moment! hehe Hopefully he adjusts to solids soon and becomes a bit more "regular." Ok, enough of the poo talk, besides that he is doing great, and has totally developed this personality over night! He growls if someone (or a dog) does something he doesn't like, he says, "ticka ticka ticka!" while trying to tickle himself, he sticks his tongue out at you when he is being silly, he is taking steps, he is signing "milk" and "please" all on his own, and is still at the receiving end of Cecily's rough love. We are totally enjoying seeing him become a little person right before our eyes! His likes and dislikes, what excites him, who he favors, etc. 10ish month olds were always your favorite stage so it's sad that you are missing it...but mommy is enjoying it for the both of you!
  I am still in the vicious cycle of "I am ok" "I am NOT ok" "I am ok" "I am NOT ok!" but I guess that is to be expected. My house still looks like a tornado hit it...but I am trying to bring back my old habit of just doing 10 minutes worth of cleaning every hours so at least some things are being accomplished. The holidays approaching are mixed with such different emotions! We are excited for the New Year because it means this horrible one will be OVER but we also meet it with pain and grief that you are not here to celebrate it with us.Thanksgiving is on Thursday and obviously I don't need to say it will be tough. I did however make my first turkey this year...it's for Colin's preschool class on Tuesday. I figured it would be better to give 4 and 5 year olds my first turkey because they won't judge me if it's dry! (Which...it kind of is because Bryan thought I said internal temp of 190 instead of 170...yeeeeaaa. Oh well!). But I bought gravy so they won't even know! haha I am just proud that I did it...ok Bryan may have done most of it because it totally grossed me out but I chopped the veggies to stuff it with and told him what to season it with! That counts for something right?!
  Cecily is currently serving me tea from her tea set while I type this. I told her I was writing to grandpa and she said, "oooh It's grandpa!" She loves looking at pictures of you and she says, "Where did grandpa go?! I don't know!" I am glad her little heart doesn't get it more than she already does because that's a lot for a 2 year old to carry! Last night as we watched a movie together, out of the blue Colin tearfully says as he puts his head in my lap (which you know for Colin is HUGE), "I really miss grandpa and want him back!". It broke my heart! I wish I could make his pain go away...it's not fair for a 4 year old to experience that kind of grief.
  Speaking of grief, this weekend has been another rough one...for no particular reason. I cry almost every minute I am alone...and some when I am not. My friend Julie of course posted a blog which nailed what I needed to hear. I have not been fixing my gaze on Him. To be honest, I have done very little time with God lately. Every time I think to myself I should...my heart becomes so clouded with pain I just can't focus on it. Which is exactly when I SHOULD be spending time with Him. So I asked Bryan to help me be consistent in my quiet times again. I know that is a huge reason why I am feeling so run down...but once you become run down...getting that momentum going is crazy hard! Being a grown up is tough! As a kid I always envied grown ups and how much they could do...now I wish I could go back and have the carefree life of a kid...my daddy was still alive, I could swing on the swing set all day and sing made up praise songs, dance in the living to Carmen with my sisters and play Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen with Melody. Ahhh the good ol days!
  Well I should probably get in bed. After little sleep last night I am really starting to fade! I love you daddy and I miss you more than ever!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Old pics of fun times...oh how I miss you!

"Misery"

It's not as depressing as it sounds...Bryan always jokes that Missouri sounds like misery. This one took a while, sorry! I have been doing a lot...yet not a lot has been accomplished! Fancy that! It's like I have toddlers. hehe Anyhoo....so after our trip to OK we drove to Springfield to see Stacey. The kids were so excited and asked every 5 minutes if we were there yet. The weather was really cold the first day but it warmed up after that so we didn't have to bundle up our thin AZ skin/blood! The first night we went to Kim and Jason's for dinner and got to meet their little girl! She is just a doll and the kiddos had fun playing with their boys. Even though she just had a baby she still made us all dinner...she's awesome! Saturday we went to Silver Dollar City which unfortunately everyone else within 100 miles had the same idea! It was PACKED! But we still had a great time and the kids really enjoyed all the activities, gun shows, and cool little shops. The weather was perfect, the leaves were GORGEOUS and all sorts of colors that I didn't know leaves could turn. I *almost* wouldn't mind living there...except for this pesky thing called snow! Colin was so funny with the train robbery reenactment! It was a total flashback of my childhood and how scared Stacey and I always were with stuff like that. You used to take us on rides knowing we would pee our pants....and at the time I thought you were so mean, but now I totally get the funny factor! Although, I secretly still don't like you for telling us the Pirates of the Caribbean ride had NO drops in it at all...yea it totally does and I almost tossed my cookies while passing out with fear! Anyhow, Cecily became quite attached to Cat-Cat (Cathryn) so they were buddies all weekend. She would help her with Macie including bossing Macie around and tell her "Sit Macie! Dood job Macie!" Owen pretty much just hit his poor head on everything that weekend...he was totally growing, mastering the whole standing by yourself thing, on top of his unusually large head...yea it was bad! He looked like he had been in a street fight...with the coffee table by the time we left. Sunday was our traditional Bass Pro Shop and Lambert's dinner. The kids LOVE the Bass pro shop and spent hours running from vehicle to vehicle trying them all out. Colin preferred the 4-wheelers while Cecily took a liking to the large boats. She got nice and comfy on one and I literally had to drag her off kicking and screaming! She was TERRIFIED of the large taxidermy animals which is funny because last year she thought they were great...this year she was in my arms shaking, crying, and burying her head in my shoulder. Poor girl! I bought the kids the little rubber hook-less fish that we used to have as kids to put in the bathtub. They loved it...except Owen who kept getting them taken away because he was trying to actually eat them. Stacey and I had a fun walk down memory lane looking at all the rubber bait worms. G and G Strunk used to get those for us and we would love to try and gross each other out with them! We used them for playing mountain girls too. Oh to be little again! In between the two outings Stacey took me to a really cool antique shop by her house. It was fun seeing all the antiques there because there were some very different pieces from what you see here. I always assumed all antique places have similar things, but it was a whole different set of stuff! I bought something for myself and something for Candee. How can you go to an antique store and NOT by her anything?! Dinner at Lambert's was delicious as always and we caught lots of rolls! The fried okra was great, and of course the chicken and dumplings was delish! It's a really good thing we have to travel 22 hours to get there or I would probably be obese! Well, there was much more that happened while we were there but since I took so long to write this...I have forgotten. Bummer!
  Today we went to the zoo with Megan and the kiddos and enjoyed the beautiful weather we are finally having! I thought it would wear them out for a nice nap...but I don't know what I was thinking because that never happens! They took short naps so Colin was a crab for Cubbies. But he said his verse and after getting to see Cubbie bear he loosened up a bit!
  I'm having a bit of an emotional setback...no particular reason...just because! Life has gotten overwhelming again which has affected my ability to function. Part of me wishes I could just quit everything and have this whole first year to just..sit...and eat. But I KNOW that is not healthy so I am relying on the Lord's strength to keep me going and to remind me that the pain is only temporary...Heaven is eternal!
  I love you daddy and I miss you so much my house looks like it got hit by a tornado!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
Lots of pics again! I will start with the zoo one because it's from today and the one from my girl date with Cecily...the rest are from MO (they are not in order sorry! This blog is hard to arrange photos in!) Oh and notice Colin was not cooperating with getting his picture taken! For some reason he was a punk that whole trip everytime I got the camera out!

Slightly Less than Golden

Thursday was your little Weston's golden birthday! He turned 8 whole years! What a wonderful little boy he has become! He is so sweet to his niece and nephews...even when they are trying his patience by getting into his things, breaking his toys, asking to play on the Wii 1,000x in one day, etc. He is still OCD about cleanliness among other things and as mom puts it, "a bit of a freak out" with things that aren't going his way....you wouldn't know what i'm talking about because you NEVER freaked out if plans changed or didn't go according to how you wanted. hehehe Even though you're gone, we still feel like we have a piece of you here because Weston is so much like you! He even looks like you! I think he should have been the Wayne Jr...although I do find it funny when I think about how much of a polar opposite the real Wayne Jr is compared to you! Anyhow, Mommy wasn't feeling well on Thursday so when I stopped by in the morning while Colin was in pre-school I saw that she hadn't felt up to getting him his birthday doughnuts and he was a little...ok very freaked out about it. So I told mom I would go get them so he'd calm down. Which btw, I got totally lost, my GPS took me out to like Rittenhouse and Hawes or something like that, and my fuel light came on...kind of stressful! BUT I made it! We ate our doughnuts, and I told mom I'd take him to the mall since she had to take Dorothy to an appt. Picked up Colin at pre-school and headed to the mall, all the while your little boy was in the backseat looking completely sad and fatherless. I could just read all over his face how much he missed you, you would have been the one to take him out for breakfast, do something with him and Jake, etc. And instead is uncool sister and her 3 crabby nap-less children were trying to fill in that spot! I failed miserably! My kids were awful, Colin was being demanding, Cecily was being stubborn, and Owen wouldn't let me put him down. It was not very fun for either me or Weston. To make matters worse, mommy told Weston his birthday party would have to wait a few weekends because she needed to get his invites out still and oh man...that did NOT go over well! Refer to earlier statement...he does not do well when plans change or don't go according to his plan! So he spent most of his birthday a very sad/mad birthday boy! hehe But mom tried to make it up to him and took him and Jake to Wreck it Ralph yesterday, so I hope that helped a little...for mom's sake if nothing else! Because if Weston ain't happy...ain't no one happy!
   Last week went by quick...yet slow. Like most of my life at present! Cecily has had a very stubborn streak in her this last week so we have spent countless hours disciplining her just to do things like eat, put shoes on that actually still fit, get in HER car seat instead of her brothers, walk instead of be carried, let me do her hair, pick up the chips she dropped on the floor, stay in bed at nap time...etc. She has the will of a wild stallion! haha Things that shouldn't even be a battle...end up one because she just flat out refuses to do ANYTHING you ask. BUT we are winning whether she likes it or not and she will obey whether she likes it or not! She may call herself Princess Cessy (which btw, she told someone who asked her at the mall that her name was Princess Cessy) but I am Queen of this house, so I rule! :-D We went to the train park last week as well with Megan and the kiddos so that was fun. Owen loved the trains and was so excited to ride it! Colin was more into playing superheros on the train than playing...I dunno...A train conductor! haha But hey, what can ya do?! He had his 4 year check up and the dr said he looks great! He was telling him all about what he's learned in preschool with Ms. Tracy and Dr Jones said he was a genius to which he did a "Sheldon" chuckle and said, "Yea, I know!" Dr Jones said he is still in the 90th+ for height and weight and following his growth curve perfectly. He is starting to lose a lot of his baby-ness though which has my sad! He is beginning to look like a boy and believe it or not he is totally thinning out! His pants for the first time in his life are falling off without a belt!! Mom said he looks like he may be built more like Wayne Jr after all! Wouldn't that be weird to have the body of Wayne and the face of Bryan! ahahaha
   So, every since you died I have asked the Lord to give me a dream of you before you were sickly and obviously still alive. I have heard people who lost a parent say that it was so wonderful to have those dreams with them in it. I wanted to have that "time" with you too, but everytime I asked he replied, "You aren't ready". I could not figure out what He meant by that! How could I not be ready?!?! As always though, the Lord knows me better than I know myself, but He finally gave in and gave me a dream with my daddy in it. You came over for a little bit, we talked, I could actually smell you in my dream, and you gave me a hug just like how you used to...a big bear hug with my face planted against your boney chest. It wasn't long...in fact it was very brief...but when I woke up I was totally depressed! Normally you have dreams where something happens to someone and then you wake up and go, "OH WHEW! That was just a dream!" But in this case, I woke up and the reality is, you really are gone! So all day yesterday I was "messed up", crying, cloudy, sick to my stomach, and knew what God meant when He said I wasn't ready. I really was not ready to have "time" with you because my heart has not healed enough yet. So, now I am just praying I don't get another one anytime soon because it really did suck!
   Well it's actually a COLD (ok cold for AZ) November day, so I am going to make a chicken tortilla soup for dinner which needs to get started! We are going to meet the new youth pastor candidate tonight at church...I figure I should probably go because even though Colin is only 4...he'll be 13 before I know it! :-)
I love you and miss you much!!!!!!
 Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley
The first ones are of the train park, then I took some pics of Westy opening his presents. Cecily and Owen were being the annoying kids who try to open them before you do then totally hog them after! haha But he was a good sport anyways! And the last one is of how Owen fell asleep the other night. He was crying and being a stinker about falling asleep so I gave up, stuck him on the floor, and a minute later he found brother's blanket and crashed! Of course, Colin saw he was on HIS blanket right after this picture and pulled it out from under him which need less to say woke him up! GRH!