Lincoln's Birth-What Closure Feels Like

We have a new family member to introduce to you. Lincoln Russell was born on April 13th weighing in at 9.8lbs and 20.5in long. We are enjoying every minute with this little guy and I am so incredibly relieved to have him out! That was by far the hardest end of pregnancy for me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to work my rear off to be able to have him at home but God is so incredibly faithful and I was able to have him at home! The journey (to be) home (ha) was incredibly difficult and at times I felt so alone and disappointed but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see God so clearly moving amongst what felt like total chaos. He answered each one of my prayers in His perfect timing and it taught me so much patience and the beauty in giving Him control. Normally I get really irritated that my body doesn't go into labor easily despite all the contractions and early progression. However this time I was so thankful that my body "hates me" because it allowed me to have more time to get my body back on track and have the all clear for a home birth.
 So for his birth story: it kind of started on Thursday morning. I had tons of early labor signs and Bryan even commented that my demeanor was that of being in labor. By Thursday night I was frustrated that nothing was getting more intense and knew it would likely fizzle out though I was hopeful maybe it wouldn't. Friday morning came and I still having a lot of contractions but nothing more intense than the day before. By Friday night everything started to slow down so I knew he wasn't coming after all. Saturday and Sunday were slow days and we finally got around to finishing a large chunk of our to-do list. Monday I had a midwife appt at momdoc and we had an ultrasound to check on how he was doing in there since I was a day shy of 40 weeks. She asked if I wanted her to check me and I said sure since I hadn't been checked in a while. I was 4cm and she said my water was bulging with the contractions I was having. Her exam was kind of "rough" so she said she would be surprised if I didn't have him within the next 24 hours. I left my appt feeling like he was never going to come...but about an hour later I had (sorry TMI dad) bloody show and called Bryan to tell him I thought I might go into labor that night. He decided to leave work and meet me at home so he could finish some stuff up. The wonderful man cleaned the bathrooms and finished the dishes so that it didn't stress me out when I was in labor. Since I needed to get the IV's for antibiotics during labor I needed to call the nurse coming asap so we could get two of them in. By 4pm I was feeling like things were picking up and the cramps were now coming as contractions. I called the nurse at around 4:30 and she said she would be here in about an hour. We started the IV around 6:30 even though no one was convinced at that point that I was in deed in labor. I had to lay still for the IV because she didn't have a pole I could push around with it so I just laid on the bed and things started to slow. After an hour when it finished and she unhooked me I got up and started walking and they picked right back up. I knew I was around 7-8cm by the time the midwives got there but I could tell something was off. My contractions, though painful, weren't dilating me right from how I could feel them. I want to say at around 9pm I asked her to check me and she said I was technically fully dilated BUT when I had a contraction I was going to a 6 because his head was looking to the side. I KNEW something was off. I felt pushy earlier but knew not to push. So they had me try some different things to get him in a better position and after about an hour I was fully dilated and staying there during contractions. During that time they were able to run the second IV so I could get two in there before he was born. I hope to never have to have an IV in labor again but if i do at least I can do it at home! I got in the water to start pushing a little after 10pm and I *think* I pushed for about thirty minutes. Pushing always leaves me with a slight panic because I know full well now what to expect when those Bryan babies come out. It does not feel good! I always think to myself "maybe I can just hold them in a tad longer...." haha But they must come out so I eventually come to terms with it and realize they are only coming out one way and I gotta PUSH to make that happen! Lincoln decided to come out sideways with his hand up and I could tell without her even saying anything that he wasn't coming out normally. It felt so different and as if he was wiggling his way out instead of my body pushing him out. He eventually made his own way out and it was love at first sight! Immediately everything I had gone through didn't matter anymore and he was here and he was perfect! The day/night is a bit hazy but I think that is the jist of it. :-) I so wish you could meet him but one day...hopefully far into the future...you will! So that pregnancy/birth is over with and I am so happy to finally have closure to that crazy rollercoaster! The kids are already asking when their next sibling is coming and at the moment that thought sends me into a panic! haha I told them to give me a few years...that did not really make them happy but they aren't the ones sitting on an ice pack. hehehe
I love and miss you! More updates will have to wait until another time because little Link needs to nurse.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some pictures from his birth and first week. Mom is loving her newest grandbaby!

Needles and Heartache

Well daddy the end of this pregnancy has proven to be incredibly tough on me...partly physical but mostly emotional and mental. About 6 weeks or so ago (time is starting to mesh together) we found out that my iron was low...no biggie it's usually low mid pregnancy so I did my iron regiment and was pretty confident we were headed in the right direction. Three weeks later we check again...it dropped. How in the world could it drop when I was taking iron, eating high iron, and doing all the "right things" to help it absorb?!?! I guess these last few years when my midwives told me to take care of myself because pregnancy and nursing drains you, they weren't kidding! I have always figured that since we eat healthy and I rarely have junk food the need to take a multi-vitamin, supplements, etc. was not necessary and that my body was doing just fine tandem nursing two kids while pregnant. Joke is on me because I was NOT doing well and my body was struggling to keep up with the demand I was putting on it. I was critically low in quite a few vital nutrients and my iron and iron storage was dangerously low. Let me say this has been a very humbling experience! Bryan could have said quite a few "I told you so's" but thankfully he only said it one or two times. hehe We have a whole cabinet full of wonderful vitamins and supplements and he always asks me why I even buy them if I rarely take them and truthfully it's just laziness. My days are so hectic and I tend to put the kids first (they get their vitamins and supplements every day ironically) and then forget myself. Somethings a mother does just sacrifice, like sleep, but other things can't be put on the back burner because eventually it can mean serious health problems and that does my kids more of a disservice if their mother is incapacitated or worse! So now my list of supplements is HUGE and I get rather overwhelmed taking all of them and remembering to take all of them but I am trying my hardest to make it a priority for Bryan, the kids, and myself.
Part of getting my health back on track means needles...lots and lots of needles. One of my biggest phobias and the reason I avoid hospitals unless 100% necessary! I have major anxiety every time I have to get poked and at this point it's averaging 3x a week for the last few weeks with a few more pokes to come. One particular poke is my least favorite and that is the iron infusions. The infusions themselves though they suck aren't the most difficult thing. They happen to be at the Ironwood Cancer Center. I don't need to go into detail as to why that is hard. The very first time I walked in there my heart just fell into my stomach. It was national colon cancer awareness day, there were patients sitting in the waiting room obviously battling that horrible beast called cancer and their loved ones looked like they had been punched in the stomach....repeatedly. The blank stares of "What does the future look like? What does TOMORROW look like? Will they make it? Will I make it? How sick is this treatment going to make me?" just broke my heart into a million pieces. We have been there. We have had those questions. We have felt the punch in the gut feeling. The fear. The anxiety. The uncertainty. The grief. It's hard. So incredibly hard! And unless you have walked that road you have NO idea the deep fears and incredible darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. So twice a week I sit in a room, needle in my arm, bag full of coffee-like looking fluid hanging from my pole, looking around the room at the faces of the people in there whose lives have been forever changed. At this point I have seen many familiar faces sitting in there and they amaze me with their strength. They still manage to get up and walk around, chat, go to the bathroom, have a weak smile on their face, and encourage the other people in there. I had no idea the emotional toll it was taking on me until yesterday when I just looked at your picture in my hall and the sobbing broke loose. Deep, hard, make your stomach hurt sobbing. I barely could walk to my room through the tears but I managed to make it to my bed and I curled up and just continued to sob. I remember you going through those treatments I see other people enduring. I remember the way you walked from the neuropathy in your feet, the look your skin got, the way your hair fell out, the way your lips got dry and cracked, the leathery skin on your hands, and the sunken in eyes. We didn't just have a few weeks of watching your body give-way, we had 2 years of it. Two years of watching our once healthy father full of energy and life start to become frail, less energetic, unable to eat much, walk slower, become more susceptible to falling from nerve damage and dizziness, need to nap more often, etc. But what sticks out the most is your attitude. You never let that change who you were as a PERSON. You were always Wayne. You still sacrificed of yourself to help others. Even with a chemo treatment hooked up to your port you would be opening someone else's irrigation port for them, coaching Weston's basketball team, helping me with the kids, mopping the floor on your hands and knees while the cord dangled from your pocket, sharing Jesus with the other people in the oncology office with you, and pouring into your wife as much as you could because you saw how tired and emotionally weary she was from everything going on. Many people remarked that as you were laying there, dying, you still encouraged them more than they felt they were able to encourage you. You never doubted the faithfulness, goodness, love, peace, and plan of your Savior and that was evident even up until your last breathe. It shined so bright no one could deny you were at perfect peace and ready to meet your Jesus. The One who held your hand as you endured physical pain and discomfort that only few experience and continued to hold you as you left this world and joined Him in eternity. I often wonder what that moment looked like for you, but I know one day I will get to have that moment and it will be incredible!
Well now that I have made myself cry again and have 4 kids looking at me like I am a crazy woman (I kind of have been crazy the last few days. Pregnancy hormones do that to you) I should probably wrap this up and get them out the door to dinner.
I love you and I miss you so very much! I have grandkid updates for you but they will have to wait!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

I have to brag on your Weston because his team went to the championship game at the US Airways arena to play the WV and they BEAT THEM! OH daddy you would have been so proud! I couldn't help but be sad you weren't there to see this moment but I know you are so proud of him! He rocked it and played so well just like you!

 1 down

 Ready to meet this little guy

 2 down

 36 weeks...Feeling rather large!

 3 down...2 more to go!

Lincoln's Verse

A while back I wrote about the scripture verses that God gave me for each one of my babies. From The Beginning As soon as I found out I was expecting again I began asking God to show me the verse to be praying over him/her. After a few months I heard from Him Deut. 31:6.

I didn't know at the time that I was having a boy, but I knew this was the verse He wanted me to be praying for this child. Knowing I am having a boy makes it so much more amazing that this verse for him is about courage and strength. He will have to be quite strong to hold his own against 2 older brothers! hehe As he grows I am so excited to see what God has in store for Lincoln's life. We are so excited to meet this little man and to add another crazy boy to the mix! I wish you were here to see him yourself, but maybe God will give you a glimpse of him from Heaven!

I love you and miss you!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

Family Secret

We had a nice low key New Years. We spent it at mom's eating delicious food and playing games. We rang in the New Year with sparkling cider and fireworks. All 4 of your grandkids were awake and they actually stayed up until almost 1am!!! Party animal is in their blood I guess! They love watching the ball drop in Times Square and getting to drink sparkling cider. A very rare and cool thing happened right around midnight....it snowed!!! Didn't make it to the ground to stick but snow was falling and it was freeeezing for PHX! Definitely a New Years we will never forget!
  We have a little family secret we've been keeping since October. When we went to get our u/s we weren't planning on finding out the gender of baby #5....however when she told us that she was going to look at the legs/feet etc so if we REALLY didn't want to know to look away I honestly didn't think I would be able to tell from looking at it. I wanted to see baby's little legs and belly so I didn't look away and sure enough Bryan said, "I know what that is!" And there in all HIS glory was Lincoln Russell. Colin was VERY excited about having another brother...Cecily however is pretty distraught and says she hates him and she doesn't want another brother. I think she will warm up to him once he comes out...but I guess we will see! Owen loves baby "Winkin" and is constantly kissing my belly and saying, "I smash baby winkin!" haha They will be buds I am sure! So we decided to wait and tell family around the holidays. Candee filled a stocking for him, but unfortunately we weren't able to go to the Spears Christmas celebration because we had the chance of stomach flu hitting so I ended up texting people. I am kind of bummed to know on one hand, but on the other hand it doesn't really matter if we know or not and we will have more Lord willing so we will be able to be surprised next time! He is growing quickly and already hurts momma! I am anticipating another 9+lbs baby with a big head in true Spears boy form. My first comment when we saw his "peepee" was "Oh man, I have to push out another big head!" Bryan laughed and said he was just glad we get to continue our trend of alternating genders...next time our odds are much higher it will be a girl. He loves numbers so the nerd in him is very happy..and the symmetrical person inside of me is happy too! haha
  I better get to bed. We had a long day today and got very little sleep last night thanks to an almost 3 year old with a diaper rash! haha
Love and miss you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 Baby Lincoln at 25 weeks

  

End of the Year Reflections

About an hour ago, Bryan tucked me in and kissed me goodnight, within thirty minutes my acid reflux hit and baby started tap dancing. So I decided it was as good a time as any to post one last post in 2014. Looking back, this year has had some incredible highs and some difficult lows. January we celebrated Owen turning 2 with a huge shark party! It was so fun and a party I will always remember..though he may not! April Cecily turned 4 and we had a party fit for a princess! June Bryan and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and Stacey said I do. We also added a spunky, social, fun, puppy to our family, Mollie. She has been so fun for the kids and her and Lucy are BFF's! July Bryan and I both turned a whole year older and are starting to feel those years in our joints. hehe Lucy also had a birthday in July and turned a whole 1 year! An I Love Lucy party just seemed appropriate and boy was it ever over the top! One of my best parties..besides the shark! August 1st we found out we were expecting a new treasure! September brought about another birthday and your oldest grandson turned 6! We had a low key lego birthday and he thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with his friends and building legos with them! I also started a daily homeschool schedule with the kids, which as hard as it has been, it has been so rewarding to see them absorb what I am teaching them. October mommy got married and it was quite the big to do! Your yard got turned into a fairy tale venue and was simply exquisite! The last two months we have celebrated Thanksgiving and Hannukah and tomorrow we ring in a new year! It seemed to go by in a flash!

  We survived yet another year without you even though at times it seemed near impossible. I saw a "motivational picture" that said, "The hardest part wasn't losing you, it was learning to live without you." Those words echo in my head daily. Though it was so very hard watching you pass away, your body was so very sick and knowing the relief you felt the moment Jesus took you home makes my heart rejoice for you! But since then, living without you here has been such an incredibly hard learning experience! Learning to be ok with all the moments you've missed, the birthdays you won't get to celebrate, the holidays we won't get to spend with you, those are a wound that bleed without warning. All the times your grandkids did or said something funny and my first thought was "OH daddy would get such a kick out this!" And then my heart dropping when I realized I couldn't tell you. Those moments are hard. Today my heart was especially heavy as I learned about the passing of a few people's loved ones from cancer and an incredible young lady who is at the end of her battle and will soon meet Jesus. My heart aches not for those who are now with Jesus, they are in the place we all long to be, but for those they leave behind who have to learn to live without them. Our reminder this place is not our home!

  So as this year comes to a close, I have so many things God has taught me, and so much more to learn! I am looking forward to all that 2015 has in store and all the big changes it may hold for our family! We think of you often and hold your memory dear to our hearts! Give my baby a New Years kiss from his mommy!

Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

You would have gotten these for Hannukah this year. :-)