Learning to wait...

I feel as though the last few years have been nothing but a time of the Lord telling me to wait. I have so many things that I want answers for now or to be able to do now but they seem to be moving further and further from my grasp. I was reminded today during my quiet time of this poem that has been a reoccurring theme during my life. When you were so sick and we wanted to know if you would be healed or if He would take you home this poem was something I clung to and read daily!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say, wait?!" my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By faith I have asked and I'm claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate

Hang in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

Oh, Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry;

I'm weary of asking. I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So I slumped in my chair defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,

And He tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun;

I could raise the dead and causes mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you will be;

You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You would not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You would not know the power that I give to the faint.

You would not learn to see through the clouds of despair.

You would not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You would not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

Sure, you'd known that I give and I save...(for a start),

But you would not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God Who makes what you have last...

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee."

Yes, your dreams for yourself overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And though often My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious reply is still, "Child, you must wait!"

Author unknown

So there is my prayer for today, that I will learn to wait well and with a heart to know Him more through the waiting. 

I love and miss you more each passing day!

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley 

Lincoln meeting auntie Stacey yesterday!

Meeting Lincoln

Tonight we brought little Link to "meet" you. I had so many emotions this week knowing we were going to take him to your grave. I figured since we had already done it with Lucy it wouldn't be as hard...but it was just as difficult as last time. My heart hurts to have to bring my kids to their grandpa's grave. It just doesn't feel right. When we pulled up all the kids jumped out and said, "Let's go find grandpa!" and walked around trying to figure out which one was yours...it's just so...wrong. Every time we go there are new graves dug and already the area around you is all filled in. The tree next to you is getting bigger and bigger and is starting to provide much needed shade from the AZ sun. When they sit down and ask what part of you they are "sitting on" and whoever sits on your face usually gets a good giggle out of it. It makes me smile because I know if you were here you would share in their sense of humor. Each one of them has something about them that reminds me of you and is a very bittersweet thing! Colin's ability to make friends anywhere he goes. Cecily bites her toenails. Gross, but so you! Owen LOVES to make people laugh and is very good at it just by being him! Lucy is feisty as can be and provokes her siblings very well! Lincoln's little personality is obviously still developing so we will see what Grandpa Wayne trait he brings to our family. Here are the pictures we took. They aren't very good because the sun was down by the time we got there and he was NOT wanting to be set down. But hey, I will take what I can get! I wish you could hold this sweet boy but I like to think you somehow have already! I love you and miss you terribly!!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Lincoln's Birth-What Closure Feels Like

We have a new family member to introduce to you. Lincoln Russell was born on April 13th weighing in at 9.8lbs and 20.5in long. We are enjoying every minute with this little guy and I am so incredibly relieved to have him out! That was by far the hardest end of pregnancy for me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I had to work my rear off to be able to have him at home but God is so incredibly faithful and I was able to have him at home! The journey (to be) home (ha) was incredibly difficult and at times I felt so alone and disappointed but hindsight is 20/20 and I can see God so clearly moving amongst what felt like total chaos. He answered each one of my prayers in His perfect timing and it taught me so much patience and the beauty in giving Him control. Normally I get really irritated that my body doesn't go into labor easily despite all the contractions and early progression. However this time I was so thankful that my body "hates me" because it allowed me to have more time to get my body back on track and have the all clear for a home birth.
 So for his birth story: it kind of started on Thursday morning. I had tons of early labor signs and Bryan even commented that my demeanor was that of being in labor. By Thursday night I was frustrated that nothing was getting more intense and knew it would likely fizzle out though I was hopeful maybe it wouldn't. Friday morning came and I still having a lot of contractions but nothing more intense than the day before. By Friday night everything started to slow down so I knew he wasn't coming after all. Saturday and Sunday were slow days and we finally got around to finishing a large chunk of our to-do list. Monday I had a midwife appt at momdoc and we had an ultrasound to check on how he was doing in there since I was a day shy of 40 weeks. She asked if I wanted her to check me and I said sure since I hadn't been checked in a while. I was 4cm and she said my water was bulging with the contractions I was having. Her exam was kind of "rough" so she said she would be surprised if I didn't have him within the next 24 hours. I left my appt feeling like he was never going to come...but about an hour later I had (sorry TMI dad) bloody show and called Bryan to tell him I thought I might go into labor that night. He decided to leave work and meet me at home so he could finish some stuff up. The wonderful man cleaned the bathrooms and finished the dishes so that it didn't stress me out when I was in labor. Since I needed to get the IV's for antibiotics during labor I needed to call the nurse coming asap so we could get two of them in. By 4pm I was feeling like things were picking up and the cramps were now coming as contractions. I called the nurse at around 4:30 and she said she would be here in about an hour. We started the IV around 6:30 even though no one was convinced at that point that I was in deed in labor. I had to lay still for the IV because she didn't have a pole I could push around with it so I just laid on the bed and things started to slow. After an hour when it finished and she unhooked me I got up and started walking and they picked right back up. I knew I was around 7-8cm by the time the midwives got there but I could tell something was off. My contractions, though painful, weren't dilating me right from how I could feel them. I want to say at around 9pm I asked her to check me and she said I was technically fully dilated BUT when I had a contraction I was going to a 6 because his head was looking to the side. I KNEW something was off. I felt pushy earlier but knew not to push. So they had me try some different things to get him in a better position and after about an hour I was fully dilated and staying there during contractions. During that time they were able to run the second IV so I could get two in there before he was born. I hope to never have to have an IV in labor again but if i do at least I can do it at home! I got in the water to start pushing a little after 10pm and I *think* I pushed for about thirty minutes. Pushing always leaves me with a slight panic because I know full well now what to expect when those Bryan babies come out. It does not feel good! I always think to myself "maybe I can just hold them in a tad longer...." haha But they must come out so I eventually come to terms with it and realize they are only coming out one way and I gotta PUSH to make that happen! Lincoln decided to come out sideways with his hand up and I could tell without her even saying anything that he wasn't coming out normally. It felt so different and as if he was wiggling his way out instead of my body pushing him out. He eventually made his own way out and it was love at first sight! Immediately everything I had gone through didn't matter anymore and he was here and he was perfect! The day/night is a bit hazy but I think that is the jist of it. :-) I so wish you could meet him but one day...hopefully far into the future...you will! So that pregnancy/birth is over with and I am so happy to finally have closure to that crazy rollercoaster! The kids are already asking when their next sibling is coming and at the moment that thought sends me into a panic! haha I told them to give me a few years...that did not really make them happy but they aren't the ones sitting on an ice pack. hehehe
I love and miss you! More updates will have to wait until another time because little Link needs to nurse.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here are some pictures from his birth and first week. Mom is loving her newest grandbaby!

Needles and Heartache

Well daddy the end of this pregnancy has proven to be incredibly tough on me...partly physical but mostly emotional and mental. About 6 weeks or so ago (time is starting to mesh together) we found out that my iron was low...no biggie it's usually low mid pregnancy so I did my iron regiment and was pretty confident we were headed in the right direction. Three weeks later we check again...it dropped. How in the world could it drop when I was taking iron, eating high iron, and doing all the "right things" to help it absorb?!?! I guess these last few years when my midwives told me to take care of myself because pregnancy and nursing drains you, they weren't kidding! I have always figured that since we eat healthy and I rarely have junk food the need to take a multi-vitamin, supplements, etc. was not necessary and that my body was doing just fine tandem nursing two kids while pregnant. Joke is on me because I was NOT doing well and my body was struggling to keep up with the demand I was putting on it. I was critically low in quite a few vital nutrients and my iron and iron storage was dangerously low. Let me say this has been a very humbling experience! Bryan could have said quite a few "I told you so's" but thankfully he only said it one or two times. hehe We have a whole cabinet full of wonderful vitamins and supplements and he always asks me why I even buy them if I rarely take them and truthfully it's just laziness. My days are so hectic and I tend to put the kids first (they get their vitamins and supplements every day ironically) and then forget myself. Somethings a mother does just sacrifice, like sleep, but other things can't be put on the back burner because eventually it can mean serious health problems and that does my kids more of a disservice if their mother is incapacitated or worse! So now my list of supplements is HUGE and I get rather overwhelmed taking all of them and remembering to take all of them but I am trying my hardest to make it a priority for Bryan, the kids, and myself.
Part of getting my health back on track means needles...lots and lots of needles. One of my biggest phobias and the reason I avoid hospitals unless 100% necessary! I have major anxiety every time I have to get poked and at this point it's averaging 3x a week for the last few weeks with a few more pokes to come. One particular poke is my least favorite and that is the iron infusions. The infusions themselves though they suck aren't the most difficult thing. They happen to be at the Ironwood Cancer Center. I don't need to go into detail as to why that is hard. The very first time I walked in there my heart just fell into my stomach. It was national colon cancer awareness day, there were patients sitting in the waiting room obviously battling that horrible beast called cancer and their loved ones looked like they had been punched in the stomach....repeatedly. The blank stares of "What does the future look like? What does TOMORROW look like? Will they make it? Will I make it? How sick is this treatment going to make me?" just broke my heart into a million pieces. We have been there. We have had those questions. We have felt the punch in the gut feeling. The fear. The anxiety. The uncertainty. The grief. It's hard. So incredibly hard! And unless you have walked that road you have NO idea the deep fears and incredible darkness that comes with a cancer diagnosis. So twice a week I sit in a room, needle in my arm, bag full of coffee-like looking fluid hanging from my pole, looking around the room at the faces of the people in there whose lives have been forever changed. At this point I have seen many familiar faces sitting in there and they amaze me with their strength. They still manage to get up and walk around, chat, go to the bathroom, have a weak smile on their face, and encourage the other people in there. I had no idea the emotional toll it was taking on me until yesterday when I just looked at your picture in my hall and the sobbing broke loose. Deep, hard, make your stomach hurt sobbing. I barely could walk to my room through the tears but I managed to make it to my bed and I curled up and just continued to sob. I remember you going through those treatments I see other people enduring. I remember the way you walked from the neuropathy in your feet, the look your skin got, the way your hair fell out, the way your lips got dry and cracked, the leathery skin on your hands, and the sunken in eyes. We didn't just have a few weeks of watching your body give-way, we had 2 years of it. Two years of watching our once healthy father full of energy and life start to become frail, less energetic, unable to eat much, walk slower, become more susceptible to falling from nerve damage and dizziness, need to nap more often, etc. But what sticks out the most is your attitude. You never let that change who you were as a PERSON. You were always Wayne. You still sacrificed of yourself to help others. Even with a chemo treatment hooked up to your port you would be opening someone else's irrigation port for them, coaching Weston's basketball team, helping me with the kids, mopping the floor on your hands and knees while the cord dangled from your pocket, sharing Jesus with the other people in the oncology office with you, and pouring into your wife as much as you could because you saw how tired and emotionally weary she was from everything going on. Many people remarked that as you were laying there, dying, you still encouraged them more than they felt they were able to encourage you. You never doubted the faithfulness, goodness, love, peace, and plan of your Savior and that was evident even up until your last breathe. It shined so bright no one could deny you were at perfect peace and ready to meet your Jesus. The One who held your hand as you endured physical pain and discomfort that only few experience and continued to hold you as you left this world and joined Him in eternity. I often wonder what that moment looked like for you, but I know one day I will get to have that moment and it will be incredible!
Well now that I have made myself cry again and have 4 kids looking at me like I am a crazy woman (I kind of have been crazy the last few days. Pregnancy hormones do that to you) I should probably wrap this up and get them out the door to dinner.
I love you and I miss you so very much! I have grandkid updates for you but they will have to wait!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

I have to brag on your Weston because his team went to the championship game at the US Airways arena to play the WV and they BEAT THEM! OH daddy you would have been so proud! I couldn't help but be sad you weren't there to see this moment but I know you are so proud of him! He rocked it and played so well just like you!

 1 down

 Ready to meet this little guy

 2 down

 36 weeks...Feeling rather large!

 3 down...2 more to go!