Beginning of the End

This time of year is particularly difficult for all of us. March 2010 was your diagnosis, April 2010 confirmed our fears that your cancer was not just in your colon but had spread, May 2012 we were given the news that your cancer was no longer responding to treatment, and June 2012 you were gone. We are all feeling these emotions heavily, especially the wife you left behind. She hasn't said a word, yet her whole body is radiating the pain of what these next few months held only a few short years ago. Her smile is a little dimmer, her eyes aren't sparkling quite as bright, and her demeanor is more somber and reserved. I was trying to get a read on her last week and wondered what was going on in her head, and then it hit me what this month means to her. It marks the beginning of the end of losing her first love and best friend. The man she was married to for so long, had 7 children with, and the hopes and dreams of growing old together. No amount of time can fully take away that sting of what the past holds and the future is missing. I remember you coming home from Mexico that March and you had this cough. You kept brushing it off but deep down we all knew it was not a good sign, I could see it in mom's eyes. That cough was our first indicator that your body was beginning to shut itself down. I can't explain it, but I knew in my spirit it wasn't a simple dry cough, it was much more, and meant something much worse. I ache knowing what I know now and the gravity of that simple bothersome cough. It makes me appreciate those last few months that we had with you, and wish we had known to cherish them more, but hindsight is always 20/20 as you used to say!

My heart has been hurting as well and I am in a season again of trying to make sense of why God took you home so soon. We have had a few family moments recently that made me think, "Man, we could really use dad right now!" It's a hard pill to swallow. You were an earthly presence that can never be replaced. Those moments make me ever so grateful for the Heavenly presence that never leaves! And maybe that is part of the point He is trying to make....makes ya wonder! I do know that I have relied heavier on my Jesus than I ever would have if you were still here. And that is never a bad thing! hehe

I would love to continue my thoughts, but I am tired and have had a rough few nights (let's be real, years) of sleep so now that Lincoln is finally sleeping I need to try to sleep for the sake of my sanity and my kids safety. I love you daddy and I miss you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here is a picture from Owen's dedication March 2012. The last one you were able to pray over your grandchild with us. Thank you for pouring into their lives while you were here, your love for them shines through even though you've been gone for what feels like ever!

Matching Hair

A new year managed to sneak up me and I have yet to write you about your newest grandbaby. Oh daddy, you would just be smitten with him! Stacey was an absolute rock star (or so I have been told since we missed his birth) and had him naturally at a Birth Center in MO. It all started on a Monday morning and we were packing up the last of our bags into the van to head to MO to be there for his birth. We called Chris to ask about the weather because a blizzard was coming and we didn't want to get stuck in it. He answers the phone only to tell us that they are at the birth center and baby Ben will be arriving very soon. We were so excited and yet SO bummed at the same time because we knew we were going to miss his birth! The whole drive there we were texting them to get updates and awaiting anxiously the news that he had arrived. That evening we got the news that he made his arrival and we were so overjoyed that everything had gone so well! I could not be more proud of Stacey and Chris for going through that whole birth with no prior experience and yet totally rocking it! Chris took charge and was there for her the whole time and did exactly what she needed! He was incredible...but don't tell him I said that or he might think I like him! hehe So we finally rolled in after a VERY long two day drive avoiding a blizzard and had to wait until Wednesday to see him because we got in so late. Our trip was wonderful and tiring all at the same time. I wish we could have stayed longer to soak in all of his newborn moments!  He has Stacey's eyes and Chris's nose and mouth. His dark brown eyes just melt this auntie's heart and he is wrapped around all of our fingers! One thing that was an absolute joy to us was that he has your orange red hair! We were all so surprised to see it because we assumed he would have dark hair. But God has a funny sense of humor and we love this little piece of you that we have here! We spent Stacey's birthday, Chris's birthday, and Christmas there so it was a very fun, full trip! We were quite sad to leave and tears were flowing! The drive home was way too eventful and we got stuck in Amarillo in the Goliath Blizzard of 2015. I never want to experience sliding down a road and not being able to stop again! That was not on my bucket list for a reason! Talk about scary especially with a car full of my loved ones! But we made it home and Skype them often!

Stacey and Ben were able to come out in February and stayed for a week which was great except that my kids were at the end of a cold so we didn't get to see them much. That was difficult! I was torn between not wanting to get Ben sick but wanting to snuggle the heck out of him before he went home knowing that when he comes back again he won't be a snuggly little newborn. Now I know how Stacey feels every time I have a baby...it sucks! I don't like being an auntie from afar! I hope one day to have them close!

So here we are marching towards March and I can barely believe it is that far into the year! We are busy busy with school, field trips, birthdays, friends, church, etc and sometimes I feel like I am wearing too many hats! Most days I feel completely inadequate but those are the days I realize I AM inadequate and only through Jesus can I get through this crazy thing called life. I find myself missing you more and more as moments come and go and the amount of milestones that you have missed are starting to pile higher than the ones you have were here for. I look for every little bit of you that I can to still feel some closeness to you. The trip to MO was especially hard for all of us because those trips have always had you in them. All the rest stops we stopped at are ones we took us to, and it just felt like something was missing. I think we all had another cycle of grief during that trip but the joy of Ben helped to soothe our bleeding hearts. Mommy missed you, I could tell, we talked about you a lot on the drive there and had lots of conversations about Heaven and what you are experiencing. It helps to remember how sick you were while you were here and how amazing you feel where you are now. No matter how much we miss you, I don't ever want to see you suffer like that just to have you back! I read in a blog post a statement that rung so true. This gal was talking about her daughter dying of cancer and she said something along the lines of the pain of cancer doesn't leave when the person dies, that pain is transferred to the loved ones and we feel it long after they are gone. And that is the price of loving someone who has passed away. We will feel this pain for a long time daddy, but God is still here in the pain and every step we are reminded of that truth.

Miss you so much it hurts,

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

These are the pictures we took at your grave when Stacey came for a visit.

It's Baby Time!

Oh dad, it's been a very fast year! I can scarcely believe it is coming to a close. 2015 was a year of amazing high and some pretty difficult lows. I was pushed to face fears that I never wanted to have to face but I feel like I am so much stronger now that things I wouldn't have dreamt of doing a year ago, I can now face with minimal anxiety and that is HUGE for me!

So one thing I am noticing about this thing called grief is that it seems to get harder at certain times of the year....the holidays being one of them. So many memories are made at the holidays and not having you here to make them is incredibly difficult. One such memory is the any-moment-now arrival of your Stacey Jo's first baby. Little Choate as we call him (I will let her do the name reveal) is one loved and cherished little boy already and we haven't even met him! It knocks me off my feet every time I think about the fact that you will never get to meet him. I have 3 such memories of you meeting my children and it seems so unfair that you don't get that with Stacey's firstborn. Mommy is doing her duty in spoiling him and we are all going out there to help her out for the first few weeks, but it's not the same without you here. You've been gone so long now it sometimes feel like you were never really here. Yet that deep hole in our hearts is a constant reminder that you did exist and nothing will ever be quite the same. We will all do our best to talk to little Choate about you and let him know that his amazing grandpa loves him even though he never got to meet him here. What I will always remember about you is how much you loved your grandkids and took on the roll of grandpa with pride and joy! Thank you for giving my kids 4 amazing years with their grandpa Wayne! You impacted their lives more than you will ever know during those 4 short years.

Some long overdue grandkid updates: Colin is now 7 and he is an amazing big brother! Sure he doesn't always love being the oldest and having the most responsibility but he bears it like a champ...most of the time. He is doing amazing at school and piano and I am not just saying that because I'm his mom. He catches onto things so fast and just blows me away with how quickly he picks up on new things. He has already finished one book in Sparks and is barreling through the second. He is doing great at soccer and loves that both him and Bryan play now so they can practice together. Cecily is 5.5 and growing like a weed! She is catching up to Colin in size and just as eager to learn. Cecily's strength is that it might take her a little longer to pick up on something new but when she does...she never forgets it. She plays piano, has finished one Sparks book as well, is breezing through her first grade work, and is becoming an amazing little helper around the house. She LOVES when I ask her to help me clean or organize something...we will see how long that lasts. Owen is almost 4 and this kid is FINALLY getting the hang of potty training. It's been a struggle like it was with Colin but he is doing much better and dare I say may be potty trained by his 4th birthday. He is doing preschool work and Cubbies. He can memorize things that I never thought were possible and he is coming to terms with the fact that he isn't going to get any more milky turns. Lucy is 2.5 and this girl is just a gem! Joy after sorrow has been the theme surrounding her birth and she has lived up to her Verse. She is so passionate, caring, spunky, adventurous, and lights up a room. She loves to make people laugh, always looks for who she can take care of even if it's just a hug, and loves to wear tutus over her pants. She loves to copy everything she sees which is both great and scary! I hope she never loses her incredible spirit to take care of those around her! I am loving getting to know this girl and being her mom is simply the best! Lincoln is almost 8 months and I can hardly believe it! He crawls and has 4 words in his arsenal. Mama, Dadda, Ba-ba (Brother), and Boob (It sounds like Boom and he says it when he wants to nurse). Bryan is pretty proud that he has successfully taught two of our children to say boob before they were 8 months old. He seems to be very extraverted, likes eye contact, hitting things/people, talking, and when he is upset he SCREAMS not just cries. It's more like an angry growl really. He is either over the top happy or HULK SMASH! This could be interesting! hehe

Then there is me...I am ok. As I said before the Holidays are tough. A month ago I was great and felt like I could take on the world and now I kind of want to just stay home and cry while I eat some room temperature ice cream. Did I mention I have a crown that hurts like the dickens? I am not a fan of dental work and this stupid crown has me VERY grumpy! It hurts all day and all night. I need to go back in but after months and months of this I am kind of over it and feel like just dealing with the pain for the rest of my life or just pulling the freaking tooth out myself. I am looking forward to seeing Stacey and being there for baby Choate's birth! I don't know what I am going to do when we have to leave...I am seriously considering smuggling him and Stacey in the van...Chris won't notice right? If you could put in a good word with Jesus that I need my kids to sleep....I'd super appreciate it! Getting 3 hours a night for the last few weeks is starting to make me a crazy person...seriously!

Well I have a feverish Cecily who needs some momma time. It goes without saying that I miss you intensely and I love the heck out of you!

Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some of our family pictures...aren't they so grown up?!

His TImeline

I finally hit the big 2-8 last week! On one hand I feel so old but on the other hand I feel like I am a toddler still. Trying to navigate this crazy thing called life and raise these kids God has so graciously bestowed on me and Bryan. I sat through a mommy "pep talk" a week ago and one thing she said really stuck with me. She said something along the lines of, "You were put on God's timeline at the EXACT moment He needed you. He said, 'Now is the time for {Carley} to enter my story so I can use her for my Kingdom', and it was so." Truthfully dad I am a very fearful & anxious person when it comes to my future. I always have been, as you know all too well. I spent many nights laying on your floor terrified of what might happen or crying during a panic attack 100% certain I was dying. My life's verse seems to be

 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 1 Timothy 1:7

I have spent so much time living in fear of what the future would be like for my children as the world around me falls deeper and deeper into the abyss of immorality and sin. I look around me and get this pit in my stomach that my children will have such a difficult time standing up for righteousness and the even more nauseating thought of, what if they don't?! "Maybe I was selfish to bring them into this horribly messed up world" the thought often creeps into my mind. But her words echoed in my head, God NEEDS these little ones for HIS story. On 9-11 He decided it was time for Colin to enter His story. Then on 4-7 it was Cecily's time. Again on 1-13 Owen would fulfill God's calling to enter the world. He needed another Light (as her name means) and on 7-23 His Light shined brighter and Lucy entered the world. His story needed another character so on 4-13 Lincoln was born. Yes they will come under much attack both by the enemy and those around them, but God has something so amazing in store for them if they surrender to His purpose and will for their lives. So many times I have wondered what my purpose is in this life. Why was I put here when I was? I may never know on this side of the Heaven but I am certain of one thing: My life and everyone that will come because of my life, has an incredibly important role in making HIS story something GREAT!


So this new year as a 28 year old will bring many new things for me, of that I am sure. One thing will remain the same, my desire to fall deeper in love with the One who made me!


Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

 Your 1st grandson lost his 3rd tooth! He's pretty excited!

 Birthday treats from a dear friend!

 Found Colin holding this while listening to In Christ Alone. He told me you were the funniest grandpa he has ever had!

 Bryan took me to a nice birthday dinner. I am blessed to have this man!

 Birthday party for me, Bryan, and Lucy. We missed you!