Orphaned

So during my quest to understand the heart of God I read the story of Esther in a whole new light. When I grew up reading the story and hearing the message behind it, it was always about the power of one person to change a nation and bravery. What I had never thought about was the importance of the fact that God had taken Esther's parents home to be with him years before her encounter with the king unfolded. He knew that Esther needed to be raised by Mordecai so that she would be in the place He needed her to be, at the time He needed her, so they she could save her people. She could have easily been depressed and angry at the Lord for taking her parents which would make it difficult for God to use her, and I am sure she grieved them heavily, but she didn't remain bitter towards the Lord. She trusted that He had a plan and that His plan was good. And He used her in a mighty way! From our earthly perspective her life story seems like this horrible tragedy, orphaned at a young age, has to go live with her uncle, taken from her uncle to the palace to be groomed for Queen. But God saw the whole story and the redemption that would come from her losses. So I might not see the redemption that comes from your death while I am on this side of Heaven, but I am trying to trust that it's an incredible story just like Esther's story!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

We had a homeschool field trip today to the Sea Life Aquarium. It was a lot of fun and the kids had a blast! They answered all the questions before the other kids could and Owen talked about the midnight zone and the colossal Squid!

Fear

Well daddy it has been a crazy fast year so far! I am amazed at how quickly time passes when the days are so full! This time of year has been hard since you died. May was when we received the news that there was no more they could do,and then less than 5 weeks later you were gone. It was a whirlwind of a month, and so often I find myself wishing I could go back for just a day and spend more time with you knowing now how short that time would be. The last 4 years have been the hardest of my life and have completely changed who I am as a person. The last year has been a rather difficult one for me personally because I found myself feeling increasingly upset, depressed, and anxious at not knowing who I was or how I functioned in this new normal. I gave myself a while to get it figured out and finally my wonderful hubby said, "I think you just need to go talk to someone who can help you get your mind and heart sorted out." and he was right. I had been trying in my own strength to get back on my feet and it just wasn't working. I didn't like who I was as a wife, mother, and friend and I could feel myself getting more and more stuck in the vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. So I found a Christian counselor and have been meeting with her and it has really helped me start to sift through all the emotions and thoughts that have been going on since losing you. I lost a HUGE part of my life and who I was so trying to put the pieces back together when a lot of them are now missing was proving to be more than I could handle. She has been helping me create simple steps to help me thrive in this new normal. During this process I am realizing how much fear has been a driving factor in my life. Fear of the future (Who else will I lose? Will I have to watch another family member suffer like that? Will my family have to go through that with ME?), fear of trusting that God knows He is doing, fear of losing another person close to me, fear of moving on with life without you, fear of failure, etc. It has completely shut down my ability to function in everyday tasks. So she encouraged me to start by simply eliminating extra things, really take a look at what I NEED to do, say NO even if it's a good thing/activity, so that I can give my best YES to the things/people that matter, and that in turn will take things off my plate and not weigh me down so much. I used to be able to take on a lot at one time and spreading myself thin didn't seem to matter. But now it does, and I felt like my family was getting the short end of the stick. We are starting a Sabbath Sunday where we won't do anything other than church. No activities can be planned, no work, nothing. We just hang out, play games, relax, eat popcorn for lunch, and focus on what is in front of us. I am praying it will help me be more productive during the week to have that one day off and just relax. Ok well as much as you can relax with 5 kids. haha
Our last session we had together we talked about grief specifically and what it means to me to grieve. That was such a hard question and I am not really sure how to answer it. I told her that I felt like after  4 years I should be "over it" and she said, "Why? Who told you that?" and really, it's just the feeling you get. When you tell someone you lost a parent and they ask if it was recently and you say 4 years ago they get this attitude of, "Oh that was a while ago". She was quick to point out that even if it 20 years later you still cycle through grief because there are many points of grief. She said I will likely hit a point of grief again when I turn your age when you passed away. That is a hard one for people because it becomes so real that your parent died at the age you are. So I am allowing myself the ability to still grieve "even" 4 years later and not telling myself that I need to be "Over it." She encouraged me to find someone to talk to who has lost a parent at a young age and just tell them when I am struggling. Shooting a quick text of, "Hey can you pray for me, I saw something that reminded me of my dad" and being vocal about it instead of bottling it up. I am a very big Bottler. I bottle everything up because I don't like burdening people with my emotions and thoughts. Initially I was really good with vocalizing to Bryan when something made me sad/upset but after a while I felt like a broken record and didn't want to keep "bugging" him. She also had me write a list of things that bring me comfort so that when memories do hit and bring sadness I can go to something that comforts me and have my moment of grief, then move on. Instead of shoving it down and letting all of those moments pile up and pile up, then they become so heavy I can't breathe. That is the moment my depression rises up and I spend weeks in a dark place and unable to function. That, dad, has been my life for the last 2 years. Burying, shoving, weighed down, then depressed. I am very much looking forward to the release that is coming and being able to be ME again! I don't like feeling like this and I don't like not knowing who I am.
It is time to go get ready for church! Thanks for letting me get all those thoughts out! I love and miss you more each passing day and you are always in my thoughts.
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Some pictures from Lincoln's Log Cabin 1st birthday party.

 The kiddos found the camera and I discovered these when I uploaded the birthday ones. haha

Beginning of the End

This time of year is particularly difficult for all of us. March 2010 was your diagnosis, April 2010 confirmed our fears that your cancer was not just in your colon but had spread, May 2012 we were given the news that your cancer was no longer responding to treatment, and June 2012 you were gone. We are all feeling these emotions heavily, especially the wife you left behind. She hasn't said a word, yet her whole body is radiating the pain of what these next few months held only a few short years ago. Her smile is a little dimmer, her eyes aren't sparkling quite as bright, and her demeanor is more somber and reserved. I was trying to get a read on her last week and wondered what was going on in her head, and then it hit me what this month means to her. It marks the beginning of the end of losing her first love and best friend. The man she was married to for so long, had 7 children with, and the hopes and dreams of growing old together. No amount of time can fully take away that sting of what the past holds and the future is missing. I remember you coming home from Mexico that March and you had this cough. You kept brushing it off but deep down we all knew it was not a good sign, I could see it in mom's eyes. That cough was our first indicator that your body was beginning to shut itself down. I can't explain it, but I knew in my spirit it wasn't a simple dry cough, it was much more, and meant something much worse. I ache knowing what I know now and the gravity of that simple bothersome cough. It makes me appreciate those last few months that we had with you, and wish we had known to cherish them more, but hindsight is always 20/20 as you used to say!

My heart has been hurting as well and I am in a season again of trying to make sense of why God took you home so soon. We have had a few family moments recently that made me think, "Man, we could really use dad right now!" It's a hard pill to swallow. You were an earthly presence that can never be replaced. Those moments make me ever so grateful for the Heavenly presence that never leaves! And maybe that is part of the point He is trying to make....makes ya wonder! I do know that I have relied heavier on my Jesus than I ever would have if you were still here. And that is never a bad thing! hehe

I would love to continue my thoughts, but I am tired and have had a rough few nights (let's be real, years) of sleep so now that Lincoln is finally sleeping I need to try to sleep for the sake of my sanity and my kids safety. I love you daddy and I miss you more each day!
Your Favorite Second Born,
Carley

Here is a picture from Owen's dedication March 2012. The last one you were able to pray over your grandchild with us. Thank you for pouring into their lives while you were here, your love for them shines through even though you've been gone for what feels like ever!

Matching Hair

A new year managed to sneak up me and I have yet to write you about your newest grandbaby. Oh daddy, you would just be smitten with him! Stacey was an absolute rock star (or so I have been told since we missed his birth) and had him naturally at a Birth Center in MO. It all started on a Monday morning and we were packing up the last of our bags into the van to head to MO to be there for his birth. We called Chris to ask about the weather because a blizzard was coming and we didn't want to get stuck in it. He answers the phone only to tell us that they are at the birth center and baby Ben will be arriving very soon. We were so excited and yet SO bummed at the same time because we knew we were going to miss his birth! The whole drive there we were texting them to get updates and awaiting anxiously the news that he had arrived. That evening we got the news that he made his arrival and we were so overjoyed that everything had gone so well! I could not be more proud of Stacey and Chris for going through that whole birth with no prior experience and yet totally rocking it! Chris took charge and was there for her the whole time and did exactly what she needed! He was incredible...but don't tell him I said that or he might think I like him! hehe So we finally rolled in after a VERY long two day drive avoiding a blizzard and had to wait until Wednesday to see him because we got in so late. Our trip was wonderful and tiring all at the same time. I wish we could have stayed longer to soak in all of his newborn moments!  He has Stacey's eyes and Chris's nose and mouth. His dark brown eyes just melt this auntie's heart and he is wrapped around all of our fingers! One thing that was an absolute joy to us was that he has your orange red hair! We were all so surprised to see it because we assumed he would have dark hair. But God has a funny sense of humor and we love this little piece of you that we have here! We spent Stacey's birthday, Chris's birthday, and Christmas there so it was a very fun, full trip! We were quite sad to leave and tears were flowing! The drive home was way too eventful and we got stuck in Amarillo in the Goliath Blizzard of 2015. I never want to experience sliding down a road and not being able to stop again! That was not on my bucket list for a reason! Talk about scary especially with a car full of my loved ones! But we made it home and Skype them often!

Stacey and Ben were able to come out in February and stayed for a week which was great except that my kids were at the end of a cold so we didn't get to see them much. That was difficult! I was torn between not wanting to get Ben sick but wanting to snuggle the heck out of him before he went home knowing that when he comes back again he won't be a snuggly little newborn. Now I know how Stacey feels every time I have a baby...it sucks! I don't like being an auntie from afar! I hope one day to have them close!

So here we are marching towards March and I can barely believe it is that far into the year! We are busy busy with school, field trips, birthdays, friends, church, etc and sometimes I feel like I am wearing too many hats! Most days I feel completely inadequate but those are the days I realize I AM inadequate and only through Jesus can I get through this crazy thing called life. I find myself missing you more and more as moments come and go and the amount of milestones that you have missed are starting to pile higher than the ones you have were here for. I look for every little bit of you that I can to still feel some closeness to you. The trip to MO was especially hard for all of us because those trips have always had you in them. All the rest stops we stopped at are ones we took us to, and it just felt like something was missing. I think we all had another cycle of grief during that trip but the joy of Ben helped to soothe our bleeding hearts. Mommy missed you, I could tell, we talked about you a lot on the drive there and had lots of conversations about Heaven and what you are experiencing. It helps to remember how sick you were while you were here and how amazing you feel where you are now. No matter how much we miss you, I don't ever want to see you suffer like that just to have you back! I read in a blog post a statement that rung so true. This gal was talking about her daughter dying of cancer and she said something along the lines of the pain of cancer doesn't leave when the person dies, that pain is transferred to the loved ones and we feel it long after they are gone. And that is the price of loving someone who has passed away. We will feel this pain for a long time daddy, but God is still here in the pain and every step we are reminded of that truth.

Miss you so much it hurts,

Your Favorite Second Born,

Carley

These are the pictures we took at your grave when Stacey came for a visit.